Monday, October 29, 2007
Soon.
Soon, I'll be carrying my own.
the beauty exposed ; 8:21 PM
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Hasnah's House.
Yesterday was so awesome!
Met up with those peeps I'm missing due to all the vacation/attachments.
OMG!
I miss them all so very much!
-Sorry, no pics-
Hasnah's food, as usual, are superb! If I wasn't feeling rather unwell or in a better mood, I would have eaten up more. But anyhow, the food were great. I love the potato salad the most. Need to steal the recipe away. XD
I can't wait to meet Rania, Fairuz, Nad & Nadiah again on November 8th. This time, Deepavali celebration at Rania's house! Yay! I'll try my darn best to make myself available for that day. Some difficulties enjoy showing themselves up at the very last minute.
3 years with the peeps are so awesome. How we all changed to be mature adults (some are still in the process *ahem*). How we all sticked by one another. Amazing what friendship can do to your life. Love you guys. <3
Tomorrow's Monday. He's coming back from Thailand. And I sure hope that he thought hard about what I told him over the days he's at Thailand. Oh well. Even if he didn't think hard, I will make him think hard for this coming week. I may not get the last laugh, but neither will he. He cheated on me, and I'm gonna lie to him. Let's all break one another's hearts. Kenny is helping me out with loads of shit, but yeah well, it all ends up to fate. Fate fate fate. Fuck fate. Fuck destiny. Fuck it all. We shall all meet at the crossroad, and bash one another up.
Anyhow, I found the perfect song.
"Linger" - The Cranberries
If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.
I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.
I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.
But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?
__________________________________________________
There you go. For him, from me. I wish I could just stop stop stop missing him.
My plan for November: To stop myself from crying every single time he appears in my mind. To just stop crying. To just go fucking numb. If words don't mean a thing, why should I talk? If tears are nothing, why must I cry? ARGHHHHHHHHHH! I FUCKING MISS YOU! 1 month has passed by. And I died.
the beauty exposed ; 3:15 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
XD
De-baby-rizing.
[Ask Fairuz what that means]
Putting Kenny's brilliant idea to the test soon.
the beauty exposed ; 8:09 PM
Monday, October 22, 2007
=(
I'm so so so so sad now.
No, it's not a sudden impulse.
I'm really upset.
Now, I don't feel like meeting him anymore.
I just don't feel like knowing him anymore.
But then again, I am not too sure.
I don't know anymore.
3 weeks.
Without him.
I don't know how it's like when I see him in 2 weeks time.
I just wanna cry.
He's been seeing her at least twice or thrice a week.
I just wanna breakdown.
And give it up.
the beauty exposed ; 6:14 PM
Thursday, October 18, 2007
-sigh-
I'm just back from work. So tired.
I miss school.
A patient's relative was grilling me with questions on medications, and I explained to her the best I could, and she wasn't satisfied. I even took the drug guide, read it, and explained the same thing again to her, and again, she wasn't satisfied. I repeated myself like 5times, and I was so pissed off, I just stared at her, and started to raise my voice. Untill the SN came, and explained the same thing, and finally, the relative was satisfied. What a bitch. If I could punch her in the face, I would. I was so pissed off at that bitch. I really lack patience. After that, I was pretty much slamming the IMRs and meds while dispensing. And that stupid bitch kept looking at me. Urgh! If I ever see her outside, I swear I will punch her. Or harrass her. Don't ever, ever push me off my limit.
Anyhow, took my first case. It was kinda... easy for me. Simple case, I guess. The SSN was really nice. She was really teaching, and really made me feel like part of the team. I really appreciate that.
So here I am. And I miss him. Wish I could tell him. But what the heck. Life doesn't always go my way. But one day, it will. One day. Things will be back to how they were. And maybe then, the wounds will heal.
"Je t'aime et tu me manques beaucoup" - I love and miss you alot [in French].
8 more days to finding out
15 more days to seeing him
11 more days to end of my attachments
Oh... if only I could see him this weekend like I always did for the past 1yr 9months. I wish.
the beauty exposed ; 10:36 PM
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Dream
I had a dream last night.
It was a rather weird dream.
In my dream..
I was hugging someone.
My face was buried in that person's chest.
And then I looked up.
And saw him.
Smiling.
And I buried my face again.
Smiling as well.
-Sigh-
Dreams are what reality aren't made up of.
Only I will know how much he means to me.
Only I will know.
And all I've been doing is..
Hoping. Wishing. Praying.
Will it be fulfilled?
-Sigh-
Sighing is all I can do.
And wait.
9 more days to know.
16 more days to see him.
12 more days to end of my attachments.
[9 & 16 are approximate countdowns. Might be shorter, might be longer.]
the beauty exposed ; 6:50 PM
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sick.
Feeling nauseated.
Tired.
Vomitted earlier today.
My breakfast/lunch wasn't digested.
Stomach cramps.
What's happening?
Food poisoning?
11 days to finding out
18 days to seeing him
14 days to end of attachments
the beauty exposed ; 8:27 PM
Friday, October 12, 2007
Broken. Again.
He finally placed up a picture of him and his new gf on his Friendster.
Go see if you wanna know how she looks like.
It really broke my heart. For the fourth time. It broke me.
I just need to cry. I just need to break down and cry.
I really need to break down and just cry.
Just scream
And scream.
And cry.
Shout.
Yell.
I miss him so fucking much.
And he's out there with another girl.
With his arms wrapped around another girl.
I so miss him.
Why is this even happening?
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially dead.
I can't even believed he even talked about marriage with me.
I can't believe that we even talked about it. We discussed about it.
How I was gonna tell my parents about him.
-Cross my fingers- I really am hoping, wishing, begging that I'll know what I wanna know in a couple of weeks. Just a couple of weeks. And then I'll know. And this time, I'll know what I'll do. I won't make the same mistake. I hope.
15 more days (excluding weekends) to the end of my attachments.
14 more days (including weekends) to know what I wanna know.
21 more days (including weekends) till I see him again.
For his bday this year. I'm getting him a cookie monster stuffed toy. And a card.
I actually planned on getting him something different. Planned on getting him a watch. 25 hours. Cost $130 something.
Then for 2nd yr anniversary. Wanted to get him a photoframe. With a picture of us + a poem.
Then for Vday. Wanted to get him a new cologne. Or a leather belt + wallet gift set.
WISHFUL THINKING.
I love you. I miss you. I hate you. I want you. I need you.
the beauty exposed ; 5:15 PM
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Days.
17 more days (excluding weekends) til the end of my attachments.
23 more days (including weekends) till i see him again.
How am I holding up?
Not good. Not bad. Idk.
I'm just still at a very confused state.
Still clinging onto nowhere.
If it's the one thing he don't know. He doesn't know this blog exist.
He doesn't know I type out everything I feel here. He never knew.
Anyhow.
Dennis (his ex-colleague) has been rather nice to me. Been checking up on me every other day or so, worried if I'll do something stupid. Oh well.
Mikey has been nice too. In a weird way. Has been asking if I just wanna head out for a drink to relieve off my mind.
But I'll be drinking with him in 23 more days. That is, if he buy booze.
Kenny is a total sweetheart. Sometimes, I wonder why we aren't dating, and why I pushed you away all the while. Until you found Kriz. I think I've got the answer: It's because I love him.
In another couple of weeks, I'll find something out. And hopefully, it'll be one of the happiest day of the month, or something.
And I haven't been coping well with fasting and working in the afternoon shift. Always feeling faint. Always tempted to break my fast. Always hiding in the toilet to just sit down for 5 mins. I just can't take it. Thank goodness it's just for another 2 days.
I'm looking forward to the 23 more days.
the beauty exposed ; 11:16 AM
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Missing him.
I miss him so much.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
It even relieves some of my pain to just have a quick chat with him on MSN. Even if it's not about us. About other things. He told me he'll treasure whatever that happened on 05/10/07. And so will I. Only time will tell.
As for now, all I can do is miss him silently. Let this kill me silently. Love him silently.
the beauty exposed ; 12:50 PM
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The distance.
I wish I could stop feeling this way
Stop being so insane
Being so paranoid
Being so psychotic
I really wish
But my feelings are not letting me
My heart isn't letting me
My mind isn't letting me
The day you left
Was the day my soul flew away
I hope that you're putting this distance
Between you and me because you know there isn't any
Because you know it's meant to be
Because you know about our story
Make me stop feeling this way
Make me stop crying all day
-sigh-
I hope yesterday meant something to you. I hope you felt something. I hope it touched you in a way or so.
If it didn't, thank you for breaking me for the third time in a week
the beauty exposed ; 4:53 PM
Friday, October 5, 2007
What happened?
I met him at his place at about 5pm.
And the moment I was in front of his door, I just started to tear.
When I got into his room, I just broke down and cried.
And cried. And cried. And cried.
For about an hour. Till my eyes were so dry.
I just had to blow up. I had to explode. I shouted at him for letting all this happen. And I threw the ring hard on the floor, it bounced right onto his feet.
Then he told me: 'The reason why, I finally realized, is because you're always scolding me'
And I told him: 'In which relationship doesn't a couple scold one another? Do you even know you scolded me? No. Why? Cuz you're ego's too big. And it's good for you that you move on easy'
He told me: 'I did? I don't even realize that. I'm sorry. It's so easier for me now cuz you're raising your voice at me. It's just me. I don't like to be scolded'
I was sitting on his chair, then I moved and lie down on the bare floor. He was at the window, looking out and smoking. After he's done, he lie down on the floor as well. And we talked.
And he said: 'You know. It's so easy to like you when you're calm like this. But when you're mad, it's so easy to forget you'
And I just looked at him. And we talked. About many things. And he finally told me to lie down on the bed cuz the floor's cold and blah blah. And I did. And he hugged me. For 2 hours. It breaks my heart. I cried so hard in his arms. And he looked hard at my face, and dried my tears, and kissed my forehead. And hold me tight.
He brought me out for dinner at Swensens. I didn't eat much cuz I had no appetite at all. He kept telling me to not worry, and that everything'll be fine. I wish I could believe him. I told him in his room that 'I don't wanna wake up from this dream'. He sent me home by cab, and in the lift, he hugged me and told me that we'll meet up, and he'll send me home each time, and he'll hug me each time. Before I left, -personal info here- and our hands finally untangle.
I gave him the mixCD. I hope he listens to it.
I know you're not dead. But the difference is what that's hurting me.
I Love You. I had the most wonderful evening, and I so badly wanted time to stop. I just didn't wanna wake up from that wonderful dream. But reality struck me soon enough.
the beauty exposed ; 11:14 PM
It seems like everyday for the past week, I've been writing poems. Everyday.
It doesn't help healing my pain, but it's pretty much how I feel.
I wish he'd read it all and understand, but he never will.
I'm meeting him today, later on. Am purposely sitting here to blog, cuz I wanna drag the time.
Friday came too soon. I've always wanted it to come, but at the same time, I don't want it to come. But it's here. And it's too soon.
It might be the last time I see him. Might be the last time I'll hear his voice. I'm going over his house to collect my stuff back. I'm not sure if he still wants his guitar. The one I gave him for V'Day this year. I hope he didn't wipe off the markings I put on it.
I made him a mixCD. It's a compilation of all songs that means alot to me. And I'm sure he wouldn't care. I placed it in an envelope, together with the lyrics to 4AM Forever by Lostprophets, and a small tiny note with quotes from I'll Always Love You by Whitney Houston. I'll tell him to only open up the envelope if he wants to. If he don't, he could throw it away.
I was watching the movie 'London' the other day. It's pretty much how I feel. It's about this couple, who are deeply in love with one another, but they could never agree with one another either. They argue even on the smallest of things. And also, the guy could never say the 3 words first. It's always the girl saying it first, and then he'll reply. She was quite angry about that. They broke off, and 6 months later, the girl was having a farewell party as she is flying away to LA to be with her new beau. The guy heard about it, and crashed party. He sat in her bathroom, drinking and doing coke. And reminisce on all the times they shared together, good and bad. Finally, he plucked up the courage to face her, and asked her to head out with him for a quick chat. She followed him into his car.
He said 'I still think about you'.
She said 'Me too. I've been crying for months just thinking about you'.
He said 'I miss you'.
She said 'I guess we haven't really moved on even tho it's been 6 months'.
And they kissed. And he drove her to his place. And they spent the night together. But it's not a happy ending. The next morning, he drove her to the airport, and while she was finding for her ticket, he said 'I Love You' first for the very first time. She turned, walked to him, and kissed him. And turned back, and checked into the plane.
The quotes are in my own words, cuz I can't really remember the exact words they used.
Watch the movie.
All I've ever done was love you
And even so, you still left me
You never looked back
You never cared
Stab me a milion times
Place myself on fire
The pain I'm feeling now is unbearable
I never thought you were a liar
I think about you day and night
Think about my future with you
All you did was start a fight
And ended it with no more 'I Love You's
London talked about my life
But I never knew it
It was just the opposite
Cuz she left him and not he left her
We had something going on
But you just didn't see or feel it
Then there you go playing my favorite song
You thought all we had was nothing but shit
It hurts, it hurts
It hurts so bad
And now I'm so tired
I want back what we had
The ring he gave me is now hooked onto my cellie. Idk if I should give it back. I miss him. It breaks me completely. Sigh
the beauty exposed ; 2:26 PM
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Chasing Shadows
I think I need a savior
Someone to mend my broken hear
Piece it back together with wire
I don't even know where to start
This room is so small and suffocating
I can hardly breathe
You left me alone and suffering
You even broke my heart and leave
I guess all this is wrong and ugly
The way you leave me be
But there's nothing I can do but say I'm sorry
With tears you cannot see
I saw forever in you
I don't know why you didn't do too
It's just how much I love you
That's breaking my heart into more than 2
I wish one day you'd remember me
Realize what you have done
How you slowly killed me
And never got it undone
It burns me to know
That you've got a new beau
I guess that's something I gotta get used to
As that's nothing new
I wish you'd wake up one day
With a thought striked in your head
That come what may
I'm the one you love, miss and needed.
When I hear you say those 3 words
Yet you never cared
I hope those words are as true
As they were last summer
I love you from the deepest put of my heart
The place no one else is in
A place reserved for you from the start
Is that such a sin?
You threw away our love
For a major crush you've got
Is it really that worthwhile?
Is that what you really thought?
You're willing to break me
But can't even say a word to her
Am I really nothing anymore
All those from past year
Let me tell you why
I'd die for you
Please tell me honestly
If you'd die for me too
All those tender loving kisses
Planted all over me
Are nothing but memories
Washed away at sea
Will she love you the same
The same way I did
Wil you repeat all those sweet nothings to her?
All those that's meant for me
Will you love her the same
The same way you used to love me?
Is this just another game?
Or is this pain never-ending?
I'm just chasing shadows
Chasing the past
Chasing for something that
I thought will last
P/S: DO NOT STEAL.
I wish he'll read that. Posted it up on MySpace, VF, Friendster.
He knows how i feel. Yet. He doesn't wanna hurt her.
But. He hurt me.
I'm taking the pills from him tomorrow. Let's see how that work. Booze + Pills. Will it work?
Cut cut cut. Will it hurt?
No.
And you don't call that a false hope. Thank you for breaking me further.
the beauty exposed ; 2:28 PM
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Cuz I'm broken.
Ditched by a bastard who was stolen by a bitch.
I can't stop crying.
Can't stop thinking of him.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why can't he see how much I love him?
How much I wanna be with him?
He picked her over me.
He's in love with her. And not me.
Suddenly.
Smash my heart into pieces.
My world's crumbling down.
My days are darkened.
I love him.
Still do.
Nothing I say or do is gonna bring him back.
My chest hurts.
I can't stop crying.
What we once were.... This was just taken on Sept 26th, 2007. At about 9pm. I love you.
the beauty exposed ; 9:29 PM
Monday, October 1, 2007
First day.
24 More Days.
Day 1: AMKH. Boring like fuck. Made a couple of new friends. Dunno their names tho. XD
Begging for the week to zoom by really really really fast.
Looking forward to Saturday.
I wrote a couple of song lyrics, or poems or whatever.
One was just a modified version of a poem I wrote last year.
The other is new.
The War of Everyday Life
It's amazing how things can
change
How your life can change in a matter of seconds, or hours
How a short nap may change your life course
It's simply amazing.
The beauty of it
The feeling of regret about it
The other side of things no one has seen until you go through it
The feelings no one can understand
What is done is done
It can't be changed cuz it's already gone for life
The thing time can do to you.
The thing what ex-boyfriends can do to you
Simply amazing
Loved you once, hate you, and then love you again
Making things so complicated
One moment they don't want you, the next moment, they are running after
you
How much of love do they have?
How true is their love for you?
The complication of life
The beauty of it
How do I tell if what he say is all true and not lies?
Do I accept him back, and let time tell?
But what do I really do?
The dilemma life sets you in.
The thing ex-boyfriends can do to you.
The beauty of how songs can mean so much to you
About how it seem like as though it was actually written for you by a
complete stranger
Of how much the song can make you cry over and over again as you listen to
it, repeating it
Of how every line means so much
And when I tell someone to listen to the song, does he interpret it the
same way as I did?
Did he listen in the same way I did?
Did he even bother listening to the song I told him to?
The thing music can do to you
All in all, the beauty of life
The ups and downs of everyday
Tears hidden behind fake smiles
Happiness never truly felt
The complication of everything
The war of everyday life
What more can a person seek for?
The answer is yet to be known
Farewell.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Heavy Hearted
Loneliness
Emptiness
Sorrow-filled heart
The nights are getting longer
Growing colder
All alone in the dark
With this heavy heart
That's left nothing but a mark
You walked out without a word
Doors slam shut
Shouting and screaming
Onto our faces
Hand across the face
Tears streaming down
No more smiles
No more promises
As you walk out of my life
With this hell ablazing
Nothing amazing
Storm clouds gather
outside in the sky
What do we know?
Where do we go?
Nowhere else to turn to
Doors slam shut
Shouting and screaming
Onto our faces
Hand across the face
Tears streaming down
No more smiles
No more promises
As you walk out of my life
To nowhere in life
And I will appreciate it very much for anyone reading this to not steal those.
Kenny, if you want it for your band's music, lemme know. Don't steal it.
the beauty exposed ; 6:12 PM
