Working morning shifts for 5 days straight is a total killer! My shift work starts next week. I've been taking cases, and I've been struggling so much as well. It's so not easy, and I always feel like committing suicide when I check the assignment files and find out that I've gotta take charge. Argh! I will end up doing all the junior work up till 9.30am, then start my dressings at about 10am all the way till 11.30 or 12pm, then start with my report. Then go for a short break, then come back and start fetching patients from wherever they are. Ughhhh.
Anyways, my preceptor is hated by many. I kinda dislike her too. She does everything by the book, and it's super annoying. She told me to do in-charge work as well as junior's work. How insane is that? And all she did was sit at the counter and talk on the phone.
Anyways... I'm out of plans now. Guess I'll just be reading my novels, and fatten myself up. And... I guess that's it.
Oh, and I went for GSS shopping last Thursday. Bought 2 tops, 1 dress, and leggings. Gonna do more GSS shopping next month after my pay day!
the beauty exposed ; 11:03 AM
Monday, May 26, 2008
I am so tired.
the beauty exposed ; 7:26 PM
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Graduation.
Graduation.
Although I was stuck with people I didn't know in the auditorium, I still felt quite sad. I was silently tearing to myself as I look around the hall, trying to search for familiar faces. I still can't believe 3 years went by just like that. It's so much faster than I thought. And the friends I've made in school... they're so much like a family. And I am sure that I am going to miss all the crazy times with my groupmates... The laughter, the tears, the joys, the hardships we all went through as a group. I am going to miss you guys. We've all changed in various ways: the way we dress, the way we talk, the way we present ourselves. I guess, with each others help, we somehow matured and became the person we are today. Anyhow, I gotta admit that my polymates brought out the best in me, showed me the side of me that I never knew I have.
Keep in touch, darlings.
(Now I feel like crying...)
To my subgroup members Part 1 (Hasnah, Pei Xuan, Sin Hwee, Hai Ping, Xue Lian):
I miss working with you guys. The tremendous amount of projects we did together. The last minute work we rushed through and practiced. The most memorable project we did was for mental health. It was so much fun. I really miss all those times we stayed back together to work on our projects. I'm sorry if I ever made any of you guys upset during those times (especially that one time... during our substance abuse project, if I'm not mistaken). But above all, I am so gonna miss you guys.
To my subgroup members Part 2 (Fairuz, Rania, Nadd, Nadiah):
Must keep in touch, okies. No matter what. Lol.
I had a blast doing the crazy projects with you. We did struggle, but we had our share of fun too. It was so not expected for us to get a distinction. Gonna miss our movie dates after school... skipping lectures for McDonald's breakfast, or more movies, or shopping... And all the stupid jokes... And all your evilness... And bitchiness... Basically, I'm gonna miss each of you..
Anyways, enough emo-ing.
Graduation pictures.
Don't I look soooo good in the gown.....? And thanks to the camera angle, I look super short here... although I am, in reality, really vertically challenged.
Hasnah && me! I can never forget how she keep saying that I've got an award-winning smile.
My sister && me! Remember my dear, if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me about it. I'll always be here for you, just the way you've been there for me.
Corrine && me! My lesbian partner always! We still have a date at Pepper Lunch, dearie!
Hai Ping && me!
With the mentor.
The people I'm gonna truly miss.
The clique. We've been through the thick and thin together. Keep in touch!
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives Where we're gonna be when we turn 25 I keep thinking times will never change Keep on thinking things will always be the same But when we leave this year we won't be coming back No more hanging out cause we're on a different track And if you got something that you need to say You better say it right now cause you don't have another day Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down These memories are playing like a film without sound And I keep thinking of that night in June I didn't know much of love But it came too soon And there was me and you And then we got real blue Stay at home talking on the telephone We would get so excited and we'd get so scared Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair And this is how it feels
As we go on We remember All the times we Had together And as our lives change Come Whatever We will still be Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs And we make the big money When we look back now Will our jokes still be funny? Will we still remember everything we learned in school? Still be trying to break every single rule Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man? Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan? I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye Keep on thinking it's a time to fly And this is how it feels
La, la, la, la: Yeah, yeah, yeah La, la, la, la: We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now? Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow? I guess I thought that this would never end And suddenly it's like we're women and men Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round? Will these memories fade when I leave this town I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
I AM SO GONNA MISS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
And is this who I wanna be? Is this what I wanna be? I hereby pledge to quit nursing asap.
the beauty exposed ; 10:04 PM
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
This isn't the season to go running away.
Your whole life could end in an instant You’ll just disappear So let me put this into perspective Let me make this clear
The weather is fucking hot. Humid. I need to blast out my fan to feel a tad cool. Yet it isn't much help.
My feet is aching so much, and my body is seriously longing for a massage. I long to just slack at home. Someone marry me, and let me be a housewife... I wanna be a 'tai-tai'. Can?
Work isn't going too good for me. I'm not catching up as fast as I should. I'm still lost. I still don't know what do, when to do.
Anyhow, yesterday's cheesecake day was a total bummer. Everyone left early. They had to leave early. Boo. Jeremy... another cheesecake day? Puh-leeazeeeee?
I don't wanna be a nurse. I see those old nurses, they all look like they're gonna die. They reek of death. I don't wanna end up like that.
I wanna be the photographer I've always dreamed to be. The makeup artist with colorful spectrum of palette.
Give me a reason to Wake up and face the light I've been searching for A way out of this life How will i make it through This long and bitter night?
the beauty exposed ; 8:04 PM
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Space by Something Corporate
Home, is this a quiet place where you should be alone? Is this where the tortured and the troubled find their own? I don't know, but I can tell this isn't you, your cover's blown But oh no, don't you dare hang up this phone
Hey! Give me space so I can breathe Give me space so I can sleep Give me space so you can drown in this with me
In this place The lonely escapade in outer space There's no anecdote for irony, You say that you have, when you know, That you don't, and you say, that you can, When you know, that you won't
Hey! Give me space so I can breathe Give me space so I can sleep Give me space so you can drown in this with me
Hey! Give me space but I can't breathe Give me space but I can't sleep Give me just one inch I swear that's all I need, oh
These battered walls and TV screens Sometimes they make me want to scream
Hey! Give me space so I can breathe Give me space so I can sleep Give me space so you can drown in this with me
If I could scream aloud, right at the top of my lungs, I would. That is not what I want, but it is what I need.
Cornered with my back against the wall The lights are dimming by the minute Can someone call my other self Let them know ill be just fine
the beauty exposed ; 3:58 PM
Friday, May 16, 2008
Working life is too drastic.
2nd day in the ward.
My feet is aching soooo badly now. All thanks to the stupid uncomfortable shoes provided. (I'm soooo buying the adidas shoes next week)
It's such a culture shock.
I'm super blur, lost, dumbfounded. I don't know where to find what.
I did dressings today.
Complicated dressings. Not those simple dressings we used to only do as students. Since now we're SNs, we're expected to do those big huge dressings.
I took one hour to assist bath one patient. And I was cursing inside... And at one point of time, I just felt like pushing her off the commode, and tear open her stapled wounds.
I am sick.
No chances of working with Jeremy's brother, Jonathan, yet... since he's on permanent nights. Although they are brothers, they look different. In my humble opinion, Jeremy is the good-looking brother. But I guess they are both similar at some things: really vain. Cologne. Tons of cologne. Male nurses.
Haha.
My soon-to-be preceptor is a nice petite lady. She's as small as me, and she teaches me alot of stuff. Ward policies/protocols. Different dressings. How to function as a junior properly.
But I'm still asking for transfer after 6 months.
And I still haven't apply for my leave for this graduation day.
You're so pathetic, you let it seep right into your brain It's insane how much you feel the constant need to complain
the beauty exposed ; 7:28 PM
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Completely wrong.
Ward 57.
Discipline: General Surgical.
The question is: WHY?
I wanted to cry when Sharania told me I was posted to W46A. And I totally lost it when I found out I was actually posted to W57. I couldn't express any emotions, aside from saying 'I'm not okay'.
I don't know how to write report. I don't know how to fill in forms. I forgot all about the basic nursing care. It's been forever since I took nurses' report. I've never followed a doctor's round.
And I'm not ready to be backstabbed by my own colleagues. Or have serious two-faced colleagues.
I want to cry so badly, but no tears are coming out. My voice quiver each time I talk about it. My hands tremble in fear each time I think about it, and my body temperature will just drop.
Maybe, for real, I will kill someone.
Maybe, for once, my attempts will succeed.
What attempts? Go figure.
Anyways, Corrine, I love you to bits. I really appreciate all the sweet, kind words you gave me. You gave me invisible strength that I really need so badly. Love you, my dearest!
To all those who are trying to cheer me up: Thanks. Let's see how tomorrow goes. (:
Tomorrow, I'll be going drinking after work. Saturday, going to get drunk after work. Sunday, more drinking. Monday, sober up.
Anyhow, if I really can't stand it, I'll resign. Simple.
the beauty exposed ; 7:30 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Those that annoys me.
Maybe lately I've been having some mood thingy. Cuz today, I feel like bitching.... again.
But first off, I had fun today AND yesterday. It's just that these tiny tiny minute facts keep creeping into my mind, and it totally annoys the shit outta me. So I thought, maybe voicing it out might help.
Crowds. Frankly speaking... Everyone dislike crowds. Even I do. But it annoys me when someone or anyone keep repeating that same god-damned fact over and over again. "I hate crowds". Imagine having someone repeating it over and over again like a broken tape recorder, or seeing it over and over again on your cellphone inbox. Stop saying you're agoraphobic. Do you even know the meaning to the word?
Let me state it out for you: 1. abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or unescapable situation that is characterized especially by the avoidance of open or public places. 2. Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place
First, you DO NOT feel helpless, but you feel ANNOYED with public places that has lots of people. You feel IRRITATED. You get ANGRY with crowds. There. You're ENOCLOPHOBIC. But ARGH! What's there that you could possibly do? Hide yourself in your god-damned room for the rest of your life till you rot to death and never see sunlight again? You are living on earth, shared with probably 8-billion people, in a country with probably 6-million people. WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU POSSIBLY DO? Wherever you step foot on doesn't mean that place belongs to you. It's a PUBLIC place. They have the right to walk wherever they want, even cross your path. Yes, it is FUCKING annoying, but what can YOU do about it? NOTHING. I am pretty tolerant, but I've got a limit. And you're reaching it. But then again, do you FEAR crowds or just HATE crowds?
Sunlight. So you hate the sun that much huh? Let me dig you a nice little cave, and you live there. WITHOUT LIGHT. Not even the light from a fire. Why? The sun emits heat, doesn't it? It makes you sweat. Yet at the same freaking moment, it gives out light. Same thing with fire, right? And you hate it so much when the sun shines into your eyes. Sure, everyone hates it. But you don't have to verbalize and curse at the sun EVERYTIME. There are such thing called shades. Wear 'em. A blind person yearn to see the sun which you despise so much. Maybe being blind would do you some good. Singapore IS fucking hot, I agree. And if you hate the humidity so much, migrate. Move. Don't just talk about the plan, and then come up with a million reasons as to why you can't migrate. I am not up for that shit.
Racists. We are all racists. Don't try to deny that fact. We all dislike a race for some reason or another, even subconsciously. But try to do your research, studies or whatever before you verbalize your racism. Your friend termed you as the 'racist leader' and is superly shocked to know that we're actually "friends" with benefits. It's amazing we're friends despite the fact that you hate a certain race so superly much. If you could join the KKK, I think you would. Or if you could be recognized as a skinhead, I think you'd shave yourself bald.
People who stare. If something or someone catches our eyes, we will turn to look. LOOK. Not STARE. I dislike people who stare. It's uncomfortable. It sets me to think "Is there something on my face? Or stains on my clothings? Is my makeup smudged?", when all in all, they are just staring. Sure it's a flatter when you look, but staring directly for more than like 10seconds pisses me off. If you wanna look any longer, go ahead and snap a picture, and don't forget to ask for my autograph as well. And quit staring with the up and down motion (from the head to the toe, back to the head again). I am not a freaking alien. Don't ever make me stare back and you and use my choice of words on you. Don't.
So now that I'm done with my drink, and feeling kinda tired from the long weekend I had, it's time for me to crash. I have more pet peeves, loads, in fact... but these are the few that's been in my head lately.
P/S: I still love those that annoys me... Well, I don't have a choice, do I? You gotta learn how to love other people's flaws.
[Just for the fun of it, I miss these people: Kyle (wtf ever happened to you, man? ever since u had a gf (and now a new gf), i was totally ignored. i miss movie sessions with u). Eric (boo. ever since u entered college, and i stop hanging out at VF, you totally abandoned me. oh wait, maybe it was ever since sarah thought i was stealing you, you "dumped" me outta your life). Mikey (one of my fave bitch. we never agreed on lots of things, but we do agree on music. miss those times hearing you strum your guitar, girl). Stevie (since you and darrin broke up, and you moved back, you've been gone). Dave (i hate the fact that you reside in canada and found a job. lol). Geo (i still remember that one time when you helped me out with my project. it was kinda lame, but it still helped). Frankie (now that you're kinda famous and own your own photography/modelling company, and got busy with life travelling everywhere to work...). There are more, but I guess these are some I haven't been in touch for the past half a year or more.]
the beauty exposed ; 9:40 PM
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Bitching Moment.
Watched Ironman with Sharania && Nadiah yesterday evening. Super awesome. The music was cool. The effects were awesome. Loved it. Gonna watch it again someday soon.
In regards to my previous entry, NO criticism is allowed. I don't care about what you think of me. But you may ask me anything in order to get to know me better and realize how screwed up I probably am. Other than that, your personal opinions or judgement don't matter.
Anyways, I wanna be a bit of a bitch today. (Wait, haven't I always been a bitch?)
Anyhow, there's this damned fatass sitting behind me in lecture hall. And I'm gonna bitch about her. I dunno why she's like super vain or a narcissist or whatever. And I can't stand the fact that she tries to act bitchy or cool or whatever. I mean, HEY! YOU'RE A FUCKING FATASS! Haven't you LOOK IN THE MIRROR lately? OR EVER?! Wait, the mirror would probably crack. Or just shatter into pieces. Immediately, even at the sight of her shadow. Fuck. Like Rania said, she's 3 mean girls in 1. Not that she's REALLY bitchy, but Rania meant size-wise. She's probably 3 times my size. And her thighs are probably like 3 of my thighs combined together would be equivalent to 1 of her damned thigh. DOESN'T SHE EVER HAD ANYONE TELLING HER HOW FUCKING ANNOYING SHE IS IN THE FACE?! She enjoys chattering about "crushes" or "cute boys" or "how cool she is". And she likes to bitch around, and make super lame jokes. Fine. Whatever. But does she have to talk THAT loudly? Nope. Maybe it's no wonder she only have ONE friend. And I PITY her. Fuck. She probably had her uniform made-to-measure. She probably also go to stores that only provide XXXXXXXXXXL clothings. She probably use an entire bar of soap to just wash her ass. I don't want to know what's "hidden" in between her flabs of fats on her triple chin and her uncountable layers on her stomach. She probably have to get someone to help her lift her stomach up, and spread her damned thighs to just find her vagina. Fuck. Go on a freaking diet. Or stop trying to be bitchy.
I know I'm fucking mean. But I've HAD ENOUGH of her crap every day for the past 2 weeks. It's pure torment to be sitting there and listen to her ANNOYING, IRRITATING voice. Can't she fucking whisper? YOUR FRIEND IS LIKE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!! DID THE FUCKING FATS LIKE BLOCKED YOUR FREAKING EARDRUM?!
Whatever.
Let's burn a hole, so we can climb out. Of these paper walls, and this empty house.
We're the only thing that's real.
These visions we have of ten years ago, Of stars in the sky and us down below. In streets and east coast lines, We kept this scene alive.
Here I am, still hold on to this, Dream we had, won't let go of it, Hear me now, you will never be alone..
Don't listen too close, they're words are like guns. With bullets that fly and kill what you've won. Some love to hate, and some tell you lies. So lets make a toast, and kiss them goodbye..
We'll kiss them all goodbye..
Here I am, still hold on to this, Dream we had, won't let go of it, Hear me now, you will never be alone..
Here I stand, won't turn back again. Won't leave you, know how hard it's been Hear me now, you will never be alone..
Let's take what hurts, and write it all down. On these paper walls, and this empty house. And when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground..
the beauty exposed ; 2:47 PM
Thursday, May 8, 2008
As much as it hurts...
Borrowed 3 books today. So proud of myself.
Went to Hasnah's chalet yesterday. Loads of fun. Too bad couldn't stay over. Saturday, crashing at Kenny's house. Booze! Sunday, crashing at Tony's house. More booze!
Anyways, I was in the bus today, and there was a couple behind me. I couldn't help it but overheard their conversation.
Boy: Could you please explain it to me? Girl: Explain what? Boy: About us. I want to talk about us. What do you think about us? Girl: Tired. Boy: Tired? Why are you tired of us? Girl: Because I still want to play. Boy: Play? Didn't we had fun? Girl: It's not that. What I meant by play was, erm.. I wannt be free. Boy: Free? What do you mean? Girl: I want to be free to flirt with other guys, something like that. Boy: You want to end our relationship just because you want to flirt with other guys? Girl: It's not just that. Boy: It's him, isn't it? Girl: ... Boy: You told him you liked him last week, right? How? In a few days? How? Girl: It's difficult to explain.
And that's all I heard... cuz I alighted the bus. My heart goes out to the guy, really. I feel sad for him.
On a lighter note: Rania should open a new blog. RAAANNIIIIAAAAA!
And, like Nadd had said in her blog, it has become an infection. Temptation IS a sin. Ugh. Here are random true facts about me. (Inspired by Kuls, Nadd, and Rania)
1. My parents separated when I was like 6. My father never lived with us. He only visits on Sundays. My parents finally got divorced when I was 16. Now he visits us once in a few months.
2. I am ALWAYS financially tight.
3. There's a story behind as to why I listen to loud music. It relieves my stress, allows me to ventilate it out, the lyrics hold a lot of meaning to me. It is my friend in disguise. It talks to me in some weird way.
4. I am suicidal. I've attempted a lot of times. My mom will find me half-dead, and check my wrists and neck for wounds, or stick a finger down my throat and make me throw up. (Go search for my previous entries whereby I list out the different methods of commiting suicide)
5. I have a fear of extreme heights. I'm not talking about 16th storey or 20th storey. I'm talking about thousands of feet, being held up high in the middle of nowhere.
6. I dress up in black not because I am emo or scene or gothic or whatever. It's because I look the nicest in it. Eyeliner? Enhance my eyes. Ooh.
7. I've got unsightly scars on my legs... leading to the fact I don't often wear skirts or dresses.
8. I always daydream of becoming a rockstar at least twice per day.
9 . I have a thing about gay guys.
10. I am obssessed with my fingernails.
11. The career of my choice: rockstar; makeup artiste; actress; photographer. But ever since I was young, I've always wanted to be a photographer. Pictures amaze me.
12. I have crushes on so many boys. (I don't want to name them, tho)
13. I want to get married by 21. Have 4 kids (a pair of twins) of my own. Adopt 2 kids (a girl and a boy) from Russia. (No, I am NOT trying to be the next Angelina Jolie.)
14. I look up to no one but myself, for there is no one I could possibly trust. I seek advice from no one but myself, but I do take whatever people say into consideration.
15. I am a narcissist.
16. I am an insomniac. Why? Recurrent nightmares, thinking too much about useless stuff. I always end up fallng asleep in tears. I always wish that I was in someone's arms every night, so that I could feel safe and sleep in peace.
17. When I love someone, I will love them dearly, and hold them really close to my heart. I will take a bullet for them.
18. I'm a cheesecake fanatic.
19. I can cook. But only western stuff. And simple stuff.
20. I wish Ian Watkins; Shawn Milke; Keanu Reeves; Toby Hemmingway was my husband.
21. I am a sadist. I feed on people's misery. I like to inflict pain in people's lives.
22. My mother is super sensitive to the point where I can't even say anything stupid without her ending up crying and yelling at me.
23. I want a really big grand wedding.
24. I have no best friend. Mainly because the one person I used to call a best friend backstabbed me so bad the wound can't even heal.
25. I have no relatives. Or so I think. I don't know any of them. They don't associate with me. I only know my half-Korean cousins (and their parents), and my nieces (and their parents) and my grandmother (from mom's side). That's family, I guess.
26. I don't like my picture to be taken.
27. I talk to my plushies. All my plushies.
28. I have trouble spelling words. And I have trouble knowing the meaning of any word if I were to repeat that same word for more than 10 - 15 times.
29. I was physically abused by an ex. I can still remember his slaps and punches.
30. I might never be able to conceive.
There's more, but I am tired.
And Keng Soon is really someone really nice to talk to. He can be my personal counsellor.
the beauty exposed ; 9:52 PM
Monday, May 5, 2008
Walk Away.
Funeral for a Friend - Walk Away.
All the words that we have to say They don't leave when the moment comes We know we have to wait As the days go on and the places fade away to dirt and to dust, it all fades away
And the waiting is the hardest thing to take In a moment more before we break
If you have to let it go And these dreams keep you awake If you have to let it go Walk away
And the shapes we want to see Don't leave another piece that this puzzle needs
And the waiting is the hardest thing to take In a moment more before we break
If you have to let it go And these dreams keep you awake If you have to let it go Walk away
And the waiting is the hardest thing to take In a moment more before we break
If you have to let it go And these dreams keep you awake If you have to let it go Walk away
If you have to let it go And these dreams keep you awake If you have to let it go Walk away (walk away)
If you have to let it go And these dreams keep you awake If you have to let it go Walk away (walk away)
the beauty exposed ; 6:42 PM
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Mt. Faber.
Day 6.
I am gonna lose count soon.
Anyhow, half day today. So, like duh.... went out.
As usual, ate at Sushi Tei... It's like a norm to eat there the moment we step into ViVoCity.
Let's move on.
I HAD MY FIRST EVER CABLE CAR RIDE!
I almost died of height fear, and had a mini panic attack while going over the dense forests. OMG. So high!
Went to Mt. Faber for the very first time. For 19 years of my existence, I've never been to the place. I felt so much like a tourist there. I felt so lost, and was in awe at the same time. I was even freaking excited to use the binoculars! (It sucked tho, cuz I could barely see anything). The weather was terrible, with the scorching heat, and humidity. It felt like I was burning in hell... The weather got better at around 5pm, tho. Went to the Marine Deck, and I was practically jumping around the deck (there was no one else around), and pretended to be Captain Jack Sparrow's assistant.
I conquered the Marine Deck!
A flight of stairs a fatass will NEVER climb.... but I did!
In the damned cable car.
Anyhow, I had dinner at The Jewel Box (located at Mt. Faber, next to the Cable Car station). The prices were... ultimate. Boom! $50 for a steak?! I just ordered one of the cheapest main course available, and completed it with a strawberry margarita. Tony-darling was getting high with the Graveyard despite the warning the bartender gave us. Nevermind the price. The scenery was breathtaking. It was so pretty. Indescribable. It felt like I was in a totally different country. It was so peaceful, so breezy, so beautiful. It was, in fact, a perfect place for a man to propose to his girlfriend. It was perfect. (I was happily daydreaming throughout my stay at the outdoor restaurant). I would LOVE to book the entire place to have my mini wedding dinner! OMG. Won't someone propose to me at that place?! Do go there and enjoy yourself. Take in the scenery, and trust me, you wouldn't wanna leave that place. Well, I didn't want to, but I had to. Just bring a lil over $200 if you really wanna have a good time there.
Anyhow, after that, had dessert at Haagen-Dazs... And then head back home in a cab. Not that I'm wasted, it's just that I'm soooo tired, and I'm feeling a little sickish. I miss that place already.
