Monday, May 14, 2012
Bitch will not ruin my date.
I have to rant a little.
I am not sure if I ever mentioned of a Amanda Watson before... But if I didn't, she is Jake's ex-girlfriend. They went quite a long while together when he was in his early 20s. She's a year younger than him, and they are distant cousins (I know, strange right, cousins dating one another). Anyhow, he left her sometime in his mid-20s when Clare got pregnant (you got that right, he was two-timing both girls), and then married her. Jake told me Amanda and him were on-off, on-off since he was 18ish till 24ish.
As we all know, during the 6 years we broke up, he hooked up with a girl named Patty. Apparently, he was also on the on-off thing with Amanda back again, and subsequently went single for a couple of years (I am trying very hard to believe him on that). Then he found me. And we're back together (it's not an on-off thing with us).
Strangely enough, I never knew of a Amanda till early this year when we got back together. I knew about his other various girls from back then, but there was no mentions of Amanda. And I only got to know about her by chance... She called his cellphone while he was in the shower (remember our Marriott's stays), and after seeking his permission (it was a non-stop miss calls), I answered. Naturally, I went 'Hello, Jake's phone', and she was like 'Who's this?'. I was shocked to hear a girl's voice (he didn't save her number in his phone, so it wasn't ID-ed), but I replied 'I'm his girlfriend. Who are you?', and she said 'If I can't have him, what makes you think you can?' and just hung up. I did tell Jake about the strange call, and he finally told me about Amanda.
Anyhow, this Amanda is seriously taunting me. Jake has been hiding the fact that she's been calling him, and his reason to it was that he doesn't want me to get pissed off and upset. He reassured me over and over about how he will never cheat, that he is faithful, loyal, and how much he loves me. I gave him the heads up about how evil women can get, and to what lengths we will go to have someone we want so badly - I reminded him about what I did to his marriage to just have him. He said it was different as he was planning to divorce Clare anyways. Anyhow, that doesn't matter.
Apparently, Amanda has been trying to poison his mind about me. She has been saying the following things:
"It's okay, there are other ways to have kids" - I don't know how she knew about Jake's condition which all of you don't even know as I am very brief on it. Jake's response to her was epic "That's for me and my wife to talk about, and you are not even my girlfriend"
"How can she claim to love you so much when she easily left you when you had to go to the Middle East for war? I was at war, and I know how it's like. We're similar. We're meant to be"
"She's too young for you. She's manipulating you. She's using love as a cover. She just wants to be with you because you've got money, you're somebody in the army. And you're American. She's just using you to come to America"
"She loves you because of how you look"
"She's too far away from you when you come back to the states. How would you know she's not cheating on you, or seeing someone else behind your back?"
"How are you going to get married? Isn't it a hassle? How are you two going to work out the marriage when you have to be away at work, and she's either always at home in the states, or at home in her country? You will never know what kind of people she brings back home while you're away at work"
Jake blew up at her, telling her not to say those kind of things about his wife (ahem), that she knows nothing about me, and that I am nothing like her, not in the slightest bit. That she has no idea how I am taking care of him, how I love him unconditionally, etc.
I believe that Jake will not cheat on me, but I am just worried that he might unknowingly, and then the aftermath will be 'Oh my god, what have I done?'
I am paranoid, yes. Mainly because I did steal someone's husband away back then. I am trying to comfort myself by reminding myself that he loves me to death. I told Jake to sever all contacts with Amanda, or any of his psycho stalker ex-girlfriends or fangirls he has before he do something stupid whereby I can never forgive him. He agreed to it, and told me that we just really need to spend more time together in a certain way.
BLOODY BITCH. I SO WANT TO KILL HER.
Anyhow, I was telling Jake that I want to invite this Amanda to our wedding, just so I can say 'In your face, bitch' right to her face. Just to let her know it's really over, and that he chose me over her sorry ass.
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Anyhow, on a happier note...
Jake got a bloody promotion! He made it to Major General! So damn proud of him!!!!
And because of his promotion, he had a raise. So with that extra cash, he wanted to spoil the shit out of me.
We were just having a regular day out, when he said "I wanna make you happy. Is there anything I can get for you or buy for you? Is there anything you need?"
Any other girl will go ecstatic hearing that. Me? I went speechless and gave him a horrified look and went "I have everything I need, baby"
Yup, I just rejected a guilt-free shopping spree. We were walking around, and at every available store, he'll stop and ask me things like "Do you want this watch?" while pointing to an FCUK watch, or "Do you want this dress?" while pointing to a BCBG dress, or "Do you want a perfume?". I am amazed that I rejected all of it. How insane was I? My fiance just told me he's giving me a shopping spree! What other guys will do that???!!!!
He ended up taking me ice-skating, and it was a good choice. I had fun in that 2 hours with him. He refreshed my memory on how to skate properly, and before I knew it, I was skating solo. It was a reminiscence of old times. We used to ice skate when I was a teenager, and it just brought back so many happy memories. And he did a really good job taking care of me yesterday. I mean, he was an ice hockey player, so you can only imagine what a good skater he is. Yet, despite me telling him to go ahead and skate full-speed, he patiently waited for me, and played around me, and was instantly to my rescue when I start to panic in fear of falling. I never did fall even once under his watch.
Bringing me to the middle of the rink, and kissing me there topped it all off. He kissed me despite the many pairs of eyes watching from outside the rink. He has his own ways of making me melt every single time. I was thanking him throughout the 2 hours, and even after that, and he was like "Why are you thanking me? It's no big deal. I want to make you happy. Did you have fun?"
How often do you come across a man who sacrifices his own fun to just make sure his girl has fun and is enjoying herself? How often do you come across a man who is willing to spend his extra cash on his girl instead of splurging it on himself?
He is one in a million. Or billion.
As horrible as he can be, there is that part of him that is just as wonderful.
Now I hope you all know why I don't have the heart to leave him.
I thanked him non-stop for the best date ever during our way home, and all he said was "Good. Because there's more to come" and gave me the cutest smile ever.
And while on our way walking home... I just asked him "Do you remember how or why we spoke to each other on the phone the first time?" and I am amazed he remembers. He was recollecting what he remembers from the time we got to know each other, how we talked on the phone till 1am everyday till he cannot function at work (while he was stationed here), how he had no feelings for me in that way and that I had a huge crush on him, how his brother and best friend thought he was insane for dating a 15-year old teenager, that he was even questioning his own sanity for falling in love for a 15-year old.... And all the psychotic things I did when I was 15-year old (seriously, doing him in a cinema during Spiderman?).
It was good fun. He said I grew up a whole lot, from that troubled, psychotic, impulsive kid to the woman he is proud to call his wife. I still cannot accept the fact that he watched me grow up from a teenager to an adult.
I love this man to death. I honestly cannot wait to legally, officially call him my husband.
Despite knowing his incapabilities, I still do want to be with him. We worked on how we can have kids, and if all fails, we can always adopt (although he wants to have his own bloodline with me so badly, and wants me to experience the joy of pregnancy with him by my side).
I have finally came to agree on the 2 names:
Abby Seraphina Belmont for a girl. I'm sure he's agreeable to this one since he picked out the first name.
Dylan Vayne Belmont for a boy. I still have yet to discuss this name with him. He wanted "Jacob" to be part of his son's name... but we'll compromise for something. He told me before that if it's a boy, I will get to name our son entirely... but things will change.
Oh dear God, please let everything be smooth-sailing. I am tired of fighting to my extremes. Just for once, let us live life in peace. No more fighting. No more war. No more downhills. Please let me start a family of my own with Jake.
the beauty exposed ; 9:50 AM
Friday, May 11, 2012
Spiralling
Life has been a bit of a hurricane lately.
On Sunday night, I was told something which broke my heart into a million pieces. I tried to be strong, and stand up, and live with that fact. Tried to put on a brave front, and came up with alternatives.
On Monday evening, he went to the doctors without informing me. Agreed to certain procedures without discussing with me. And he only informed me after he confirmed and signed everything.
On Tuesday evening, noticed a huge difference in his behavior. I just brushed it aside, thinking he's maybe changing for the better. I never took much consideration about it. I just thought it was for the better.
On Wednesday evening, everything went wrong. Everything. There was a massive difference in Jake. Honestly, I was scared to death. There was just something about him that day that made me fear him so much. I couldn't even look him in the eye. It was intimidating. The way he speaks was a lot different. The way he behaves. The way he laughs at important things. I never had so much palpitations in my life before, and that night, I could feel my heart beating so heart, and so fast. I remembered feeling giddy, everything was spinning, my heart was thumping in my ears. I was scared. I took a good hard look at the man sitting in front of me, and realized that that man is not the same man I love. We went to bed a little after 2am after he placed his palm on my chest and realized I was having palpitations.
On Thursday evening, when I came back home, trust me, I was scared of having to face him. I don't know what to expect. I came home a lot earlier, reaching home at 4.30pm, and did my house work, took a short rest (I barely slept the night before). He came back at about 6.30pm, and we quietly went to start dinner. We ate in silence for a little while, and he finally just went 'I miss you'. I just looked up at him and started crying. Don't ask me why.. I have no idea why I cried, really. He just went 'I love you to death. I miss you. I miss this' and took my hand and placed his on his cheek. I teared hearing his words... He was telling me that he has always prayed for a mother, but he told me God gave him someone even better... that God gave him a best friend, a lover, a wife. That God gave him me. And that I was his everything. I hugged him for the longest time after that, in which he broke it and tipped my head up to kiss my forehead. We had an early night, sleeping in at 10.30pm, literally just holding hands and falling asleep. I woke up at 5am, and realized I never moved the entire night, and was still holding onto his hand. He was still asleep in the same position before I closed my eye, facing me. He woke up shortly after and gave me a smile (it was pretty cute, actually. You see him trying to fight off the sleepiness and trying to wake up, and struggling with a smile).
And today's Friday. I hope things will be better. We have 2 weeks before his 34th birthday. I have nothing for him. No gifts - he understands that I'm broke. I have nothing substantial for him, but I have plenty of love to give him.
It was the weirdest week ever.
Spoke to MK for a little bit (seriously, this guy is SO damn hard to get a hold of), and he is facing his own personal hell. Again, he is having marital issues... which he said he will elaborate more about it when he has the time. He will be coming down in 2 weeks or so for a short visit. Poor guy.
I just really hope that things will stop going insane. I don't think I can take anymore stress. I was so drained the entire week that I fell asleep while working. I fell asleep at every opportunity I get. I had bad palpitations, bad headaches. But I just hope for things to be alright. To work out.
If I agree, I will be married in 14 days. I am still deciding.
the beauty exposed ; 9:21 AM
Monday, May 7, 2012
What would you do?
What will you do if you found out that you cannot have offsprings?
What will you do if you found out that you can never bond with the love of your life in that way? In the way how a couple shows that they truly love and desire the other through the act of "making love"?
What will you do?
Do you leave him in search for another man, and hope that the new man will love you just as much as he does?
Or do you stay, and endure the pains he's going through, as well as the pains that you have to go through in view of his condition?
Will you even let him touch you, when knowing that there is nothing you can do for him?
Will you be selfish and let him "satisfy" you despite the discomforts he's having? Or will you be selfless and tell him not to, but at the same time destroy his ego?
What will you tell him to do if you know that having certain "desires" on his part will cause massive discomfort for him?
Will you be selfless and tell him to be sterile? But before that to preserve some of his DNA for a possible future child?
Or will you be selfish and tell him to endure that feeling of discomfort despite the fact that you can NEVER bond with him that way?
What makes a man a man?
How will you reply to that?
How do you reply to someone who tells you that he feels useless as a man, feels less of a man, because he can never be with me in that way?
Do you tell him that it's okay? Do you tell him that it doesn't matter?
When deep inside, you yourself are crushed by that fact. It's not just about lust, not just about desire.
It's about telling him how much I do love him. It's that bond. That bond only 2 people can share, the bond, the intimacy that's just between him and me.
What do you do?
What would you do?
I just want to curl up in bed and cry every single night, but I can't. I don't want him to hear me sobbing, I don't want him to see my tears. It is not his fault.
Life is a nightmare with tests of sorts.
I have not even settled one issue, yet another problem arises.
"God must hate me, He cursed me for eternity"
the beauty exposed ; 4:56 PM
Thursday, May 3, 2012
When you fall in love with a psycho.
I have been losing time to myself. Been feeling rather tired lately. I realized that as of late, I cry myself to sleep a little more often than usual. I find myself to be eating less due to lack of appetite. I find myself wanting to do nothing. I can no longer concentrate on what's on the television, or what song's playing on the radio. I try so very hard to concentrate when Jake talks to me, especially when he's sharing stuff about his tragic past.
I feel like I am losing touch with life itself. I notice that slowly, inevitably, Jake is taking over my life. I came to a realization that before I make any plans, I have to check with him first. It's always about him.
He does ask me how my day was, but my responses are always limited. Because he will always be the one who has issues to talk about. So my everyday reply will be 'The usual. Work 8 hours - it was fine. Slow-going. Nothing much. How about you?' He will try to ask stuff about my personal life... and my standard reply 'The usual. Nothing much, really. Why not we talk about you? How are you? Anything you want to talk to me about today?'
See the massive difference in approach?
I am tired.
If this is how being married to Jake Belmont, I am having plenty of thoughts.
And the creepiest thing he ever said to me as of late was:
"I have no problem killing someone, without feeling sorry for them, or even feel guilty about it. But the reason I am not on a killing spree is because of you. I love you to death. I care about you. I do not want to upset you or disappoint you in any ways. I have never loved anyone before, but I love you."
What have I gotten myself into?
the beauty exposed ; 10:31 AM
