Tuesday, September 30, 2008
What separates fuck buddies and whores/gigolos?
In the modern 21st century Singapore that we all live in, we all expect everyone to be a little bit more open-minded, yes? Nope.
Sure technology is awesome, everyone's having WiFi cellphone, HDTV in their homes, solar-powered lights, hydro-something cars (you know, the eco-friendly shit), etc etc.
And we all also know that sex is so common in our society today. So why is it people still go 'hoohah' when an interesting sex story gets leaked out either by word of mouth or via the media? It almost became a norm for everyone to be having sex before marriage (premarital sex), or just casual sex around here, but then again, who would admit it?
So what does the bible says about premarital sex?
Along with all other kinds of sexual immorality, sex before marriage / premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes abstinence before marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone you are not married to. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations that God approves of (Hebrews 13:4).
Whatever. For I still know weekly, or bi-monthly church-goers having casual sex (I shall not name them for I know they wouldn't be too pleased about it). Honestly, who gives a shit about religion nowadays? Well, at least the new generation don't.
Back to my topic of sex.
Regarding open-mindedness, everyone or so claims to be open-minded, and having the ability to accept the facts that come to them. But why is it that when the following scenario comes up, I get the same reaction?
Me: Guess what! I made out with blahblahblah the other day! Friend: WHAT?! YOU WHAT?! OMG! REALLY? WHAT? Me: Why? Friend: EEEEWWWWWW.
And mind you, I used the word 'make out' instead of 'sex' or whatever. For you dumbfucks out there, here's some meanings you probably need to know: Make out: Kissing, groping, touching, and still fully clothed. Sex: Intercourse, dummy. That's when the penis enters the vagina. You don't have to be fully naked to have sex. Petting: Masturbating one another. If you don't know what masturbation means, bless your soul.
So much for open-mindedness, huh?
---
So why are there more and more people having more premarital sex nowadays? I came up with a couple of well, pretty lame reasons: For boys: They just wanna know how tight a vagina can get. For girls: They just wanna know how big a cock can get, and if it can really fits into their snug little vaginas.
For me? Let's not even get me started. Well, ok, for once, pleasure, of course.
---
And so as my entry title asks: what separates fuck buddies and whores/gigolos? We all know this term 'fuck buddy' or 'friends with benefits' is getting a tad too common nowadays. NOTE: When you are just using someone to get them to pretend to be your boy/girl for the day does NOT make them your fuck buddy, ok?
So what really separates the both?
For starters, Fuck buddies start out as friends, I suppose. And somewhere in time, they just have the desired attraction for one another, and decided, 'hey! maybe we should sleep together!'. Yes, I know, it sounds a little bit like the Sims game kinda story, but something like that do happen. Also, as fuck buddies, you try to believe that your "partner" is sleeping with no one else but you (makes you feel special, doesn't it?), so therefore, there's no worries about STDs. And well, if both are amateurs (as in, first time), both could learn the arts of pleasing one another together, yeah? And there will also be the bouts of giggles and laughters, and stupid questions are not spared.
But then, the buddies will never talk about the entire situation after the "incident" and tend to act strangely with other friends around. And somehow or another, fuck buddies tend to fall for one another (yet to be proven wrong).
For whores/gigolos, you meet them at a random place, barely know their names, book a room, 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am!'. And you might never cross paths with them ever again. Then, we've got the talk about STDs and all. But but but! You get the pleasure of your life knowing that the pro will do anything and everything for you (at a costly price, that is).
So, now we know what separates fuck buddies and whores/gigolos.
---
I've walked the red districts in Singapore (with a friend), and the amount of cat calls both of us got, it was 'wow'. It was kinda scary, yet at the same time, fun. We saw different kinds of women and most probably men also, in their tight little microminis, and stilletos, and make-up that would probably take the next eternity to peel off (and thus revealing a really hideous face). Go pair up with a trusted friend (who would by all means protect you from harm and not get tempted) and walk down the streets of the red districts in Singapore. Be a little adventurous. It's a wonder seeing all those ah peks hip-to-hip with foxy ladies. Oh, just imagine the fun they are gonna have for the night, the amount of cum they are gonna produce. Haa!
And people, sex is normal.
Ha!
the beauty exposed ; 12:25 PM
Monday, September 29, 2008
Festive season + family + me = DISASTER.
So I haven't blogged for a week now (if you exclude the pre-set blog entry). So what? I haven't got anything interesting to blog about... well, at least not until today, that is.
So, randomly while I was lying in bed staring at my ceiling with the most stolid expression I've got, it suddenly just came to me: the festive season.
As we all know, it'll be happening in 2 days or so, right? And you know what, I despise it... alot. Much more than you can imagine. Not solely because of the fact that I've gotta get my wallet burnt and give out cash to those undeserving kids, but it's also because of that word: family.
If you don't know it yet, I pretty much came from a broken home that tried its very best to seem perfect. My father wasn't there when I was growing up, and ever since I was 7 or so, he only comes back home once a week or so. Today, I see him when... well, when I see him, that is. He forgets my age, my birthday, where I was studying at. At the back of my head, I only so happen to recall him as the abusive father with the bitter words and violent actions. He is also the same person who bans me from seeing or going out with ANY guy until I am 21 years of age, and yet, he wants me to get married asap.
Now, here comes the paternal side of the family. I could barely remember the names of my cousins or aunts or uncles or whoever else from my paternal side. Honestly, I don't even recall any of their names. They all look so alike to me, and there's just too many of them. It was like as though 10 years of my life skipped itself just like that and I never got to know my cousins. I was a nobody to them, and well, it remained that way for a while, and I was at peace with it until lately when I've started working. You know how annoying it gets when people suddenly acknowledges you once you've got cash loaded up in your bank account... well, that's just how it is. Fucking two-faced retards. They weren't there during the worst years of my life growing up. Neither were they there for anything at all. Again, they don't even know my age, what more my birthday. All they know now is that I am working, I've got cash. Oh, to add on, I'm such a pretty cousin/niece/granddaughter. Oh yay. I loathe festive seasons for I know I have NO fucking choice but to go over for the "mini" gathering. And what do I do there year after year? Sit down at the corner of the room, wishing someone would just kill me there, or that I'll vanish into thin air. Yes, I am one fucking anti-social human being who has such a precious voice of gold. Deal with it. Again, I abhor attending weddings, birthday parties, or whatever other occasions that leads me to be crammed up at a place with these people. I very much rather talk to a complete stranger, be placed on a blind date, or be tied up somewhere and wait desperately for help to arrive.
---
My mother is probably the one person I had while growing up. But sometimes, she just wants my and my siblings to be too perfect..... to the point where all of us became so imperfect. Sure, we let her be the perfect mother.... but does she know these: Her only son is probably whoring around. Nope. Her youngest daughter probably has got a million boyfriends and a tongue piercing. Nope. Her middle daughter has a thing for body piercings, and plans on getting more. Nope. Her 3 children drinks, and her middle daughter drinks like there's no tomorrow. Nope. (I could add more stuff here, but it'll be a violation to my personal privacy, and I could just expect the 'omfg she did what?!' expression for each and everyone of you) Despite all the painful times I've been through with her, she's still my mother, I suppose. The person I rant to about..... erm, ok, nothing. I'm pretty much caged up in my own little sanctuary.
Then we've got the maternal side of the family. One word: non-existent. Aside from my aunt in KL and her family (my Korean uncle, and 3 half-Korean cousins), and my grandma, and my cousin and her husband, and my 2 nieces. That's all. What happened to the rest of them? I probably murdered each and every one of them in their fucking sleep. Honestly, I don't give a shit. For I know I won't be seeing them ever again in my whole entire freaking life. Or theirs.
---
So I hate socializing. Try getting used to it. I dislike meeting new people, and yet I'm a nurse tending to complete strangers every single fucking day. It takes a while for you to crack me open, and get me to talk to you. Once I'm talking crap to you, then it means you're doing alright. If I'm staying as mute as ever, forget it.
Oh my fucking god. I just remembered that I need to rant out about something else. Completely off-topic, but who cares.
What's the deal with skinny people putting on loose baggy clothes, and fat asses putting on tight, skin-revealing (or rather, fat-revealing) clothes? OMFG. PEOPLE! If you're fucking fat, try buying XXXXL, ok? Don't be in denial and buying that M size blouse or whatever. Face it! The lumps of fats that bulges out are not a pretty sight, mind you. They are disgusting! I get quite embarrassed whenever I get a bit of a tummy showing, but bulges? I'd die. Face it people, do not even attempt to purchase an XS sized clothes (for only petite people like me would be able to do so). Once more, your fat elephant thighs or bulges are not a pretty sight. I'm just so fucking amazed.
---
I find myself counting the days to something, and yet, it's nothing.
I miss *********************** so much, actually. Whatever, isn't it?
Yeap, whatever.
the beauty exposed ; 11:37 PM
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Frozen.
Frozen by Within Temptation
I can't feel my senses I just feel the cold All colours seem to fade away I can't reach my soul
I would stop running If I knew there was a chance It tears me apart to sacrifice it all But I'm forced to let go
Tell me I'm frozen But what can I do? Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrifice for you You say that I am frozen But what can I do?
I can feel your sorrow You won't forgive me But I know you'll be alright It tears me apart that you will never know But I have to let go
Tell me I'm frozen But what can I do? Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrifice for you You say that I am frozen But what can I do?
Everything will slip away Shattered pieces will remain When memories fade into emptiness Only time will tell its tale If it all has been in vain
I can't feel my senses I just feel the cold
Frozen But what can I do? Frozen
Tell me I'm frozen But what can I do? Can't tell the reasons I did it for you
When lies turn into truth I sacrifice for you You say that I am frozen
Frozen
Just so tired of everything.
the beauty exposed ; 10:31 PM
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Happy 20th Birthday to my dearest partner.
This is a post I wrote 3 days in advance... not because I'll forget in time, but because I know I won't have the time to write up an entry for this special day.
Yes, I admit.... I've pre-set the date and time of this entry to be posted.
Anyhows, that is so not the point right now.
The point is...
Today is my dearest partner-in-crime (back then when we were in DEM PRCP) 20th birthday!
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY CORRINE DEAREST!
May all your wishes come true, And hope that your future is as bright as ever And that the smile on your face will remain there forever.
Sorry I've got no presents for you, but I'll stuff you with more cinnamon sugar pretzels when I get the chance, ok? XD
Stay happy always, and remember, you'll always be my only lesbian partner!
the beauty exposed ; 12:00 AM
Monday, September 22, 2008
You're my everything...................
Everything by Michael Buble
You're a falling star, You're the get away car. You're the line in the sand when I go too far. You're the swimming pool, on an August day. And you're the perfect thing to say.
And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute. Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do. Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true. Cause you can see it when I look at you.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, You make me sing. You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're a carousel, you're a wishing well, And you light me up, when you ring my bell. You're a mystery, you're from outer space, You're every minute of my everyday.
And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man, And I get to kiss you baby just because I can. Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through, And you know that's what our love can do.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, You make me sing You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times It's you, it's you, You make me sing. You're every line, you're every word, you're everything. You're every song, and I sing along. 'Cause you're my everything. Yeah, yeah
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
New skin!!!! Best viewed in Internet Explorer. View it with Firefox, and some headers go missing. And no, nothing's happened. I just adore the skin for what it is... The shades of grey is fantabulous.
Anyhow, I successfully made mac'n'cheese today! So, if you wanna eat it, get me to make it for you! (: Charges are free if I like you enough... Just buy the ingredients with me, yeah? Trust me, it's awesome. Super. I'm just having this cooking-mania lately. I feel like whipping up a storm in the kitchen.
the beauty exposed ; 8:02 PM
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Let's speak French.
Today's entry is going to be in French... mainly because I don't want anyone to understand it (well, unless if you understand the language).
Très chers,
Je croyais que je le dis à tous aujourd'hui, même si vous ne voulait même pas comprendre un seul mot ici.
Je ne peux pas prétendre plus longtemps. J'aime vraiment beaucoup vous, et honnêtement, je vous manquez chaque jour qui passe. Je veux que vous. Et n'a jamais pu obtenir assez de vous. Et ça fait mal de savoir que vous le savez sans doute à ce sujet, mais vous n'avez pas de soins ... ou de ne pas essayer de soins et de prétendre qu'il ne s'agit pas de vous.
Chaque fois que j'essaie de vous oublier, et quand je suis si près de réussir, vous apparaîtra de nulle part. Et elle devient une torture, une fois de plus de temps ... c'est un éternel cercle vicieux. Je me souviens encore le goût de vous quand je vous embrassé, la sensation de votre peau quand je vous étreindre, le rythme de votre cœur quand j'ai mis mon oreille contre la poitrine, le ton de votre voix lorsque vous murmure dans mes oreilles. Et ce n'est pas faire quoi que ce soit plus facile.
Je vous hais pour ce faire à moi, et je voudrais juste vous arrêter. Mais vous ne le seront pas. Je doute ainsi. Et peu importe combien je vous hais, je veux encore vous. Comme vous.
Je abandonner.
Will-vous s'il vous plaît arrêtez de cette accompagnée? Et tout me dire toute la vérité? Être rien, mais amis avec des avantages est avec vous l'ensemble de tueur, et je veux que nous soyons plus que cela. Mais il est tout à vous, n'est-ce pas? Je savais qu'un jour, je l'automne pour vous. Et c'est vrai, j'ai très bien fait. Et maintenant je ne peux pas vous laisser aller.
Appelez-moi obsessionnelle, mais il n'y a rien que je puisse faire à ce sujet.
Je suis désolé.
---I know my French sucks. So bear with it---
the beauty exposed ; 2:11 PM
Friday, September 19, 2008
10 Things I Hate About You... and it applies.
Hell of a day today. And ended with me getting pissed off at the upcoming couple of weeks' roster... and the fact that I'm gonna have to start serving 'A' class patients. How fucked up is that?
I am not made to serve with lots of respect. In fact, I've got no respect for anyone... well, ok, maybe some... but not for some sick sucker who just needs to shut the hell up and let me take care of them. I am someone not able to give you the classy treatments, or serve you with all smiles and grace, or being sweet and gentle. Fuck it, ok?
10 things I hate about you: 1. I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair 2. I hate the way you drive my car 3. I hate it when you stare 4. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind 5. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme 6. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right 7. I hate it when you lie 8. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worst when you make me cry 9. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call 10. But mostly I hate the fact that I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
And it actually applies... except for number 2, cuz I don't own a car. Lol. I cried watching that movie, despite having watched it alot of times. I just happened to watch it in a different light now.
Forgetting seems to be impossible. Not acknowledging it is even harder. Cuz each time I try, it seemed that someone decided to suddenly grant my wishes.
-sigh-
"Quand allez-vous me dire que vous vous sentez la même manière?" - in French.
"¿Cuándo me dicen que usted se sienta de la misma manera?" - in Spanish.
"Quando vuoi mi dicono che si sentono allo stesso modo?" - in Italian.
"Wann werden Sie mir sagen, dass Sie den gleichen Gedanken haben?" - in German.
"Когда вы сообщите мне, что вы считаете таким же образом?" - in Russian.
"そのときに教えて同じように感じるのだろうか？" - in Japanese.
That's a whole shitload of languages, but all the sentences will translate to one similar sentence in English. Go figure.
the beauty exposed ; 10:45 PM
Title: Fighting Performed by: Yellowcard
'Cause seriously, I'm starting to not understand myself, either.
the beauty exposed ; 12:02 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Keith
Remember when I mentioned the movie titled 'Keith' a couple of days ago?
I've finally brought myself to watching it.
And oh boy, I never regret watching it at all. I strongly recommend the movie if you're a fan of romantic, yet sad movies. It falls in the same category as The Notebook, and A Walk to Remember.
I cried buckets watching it. I still haven't recover from the whole thing yet.
***SPOILERS*** So basically, there's this perfect, rich, happy girl named Natalie, who probably had everything anyone ever wanted. Perfect life. Happy family. Rich. Her future planned out. Awesome grades in school. Pretty. Handsome boyfriend.
And she met this boy named Keith. He's cute, but weird. Odd. Strange. But cool, in his own way. He does things whenever he wants, whatever he wants, wherever he wants. They became chemistry lab partners.. And ever since Natalie knew Keith, her life started to change to a different direction.
Fast forward a bit.
Natalie's life started to turn into a wreck. She realized she started to worry so much about Keith, and he, in turn, didn't even care. She started falling for him, and tried so hard to go around and search what's going on in his life. And she did found it: he was on depressive medication, he underwent chemotherapy, he had cancer, and probably didn't have very long to live.
But despite all that, she still loved him, and wanted to be with him, no matter how short a time they had left.
***END OF SPOILERS***
The most ignorant part in the movie was:
After Natalie confessed about how she felt for Keith, they started making out, etc etc. And now, in Keith's truck outside Natalie's home....
Keith: Forget about it... the whole thing. Natalie: (glaring at him) Fuck you. Keith: (chuckled) I just did.
Natalie slammed out.
Go watch the movie yourself for the whole story, ok? It's just so freaking sad, I wouldn't mind watching it over and over.
"What's the rush? We're in a yellow truck with nothing else ahead of us but a road of opportunities"
Golly... I thought I had life figured out, until I met somebody. And this somebody sorta wrecked it (a lil exaggeration here). Weird things happen for a reason.
the beauty exposed ; 2:57 PM
Monday, September 15, 2008
Day out with the girls.
I woke up like so late today, like at 2pm, and I was like 'whoa, shit'.
So met up with PX and Corrine at City Hall at 4pm for our supposedly Pepper Lunch date... And if you know us well enough, you'd also know that we ended up dining elsewhere. MOF. Japanese food. Again. I guess the 3 of us are real suckers for Japanese foods...
Then, we head over to Marina Square in hopes of finding a place to have our dessert, but unfortunately, there wasn't anywhere as captivating, so we ended up walking to Esplanade for the Haagen-Daz, and to just enjoy the ambience and talk. Girl-bonding time! XD
This was at the escalator at Marina Square, I think. Can you believe that we got "lost" there?
First try.
Second try. I just love the camera on my phone, for now.
Through the eyes of a fish.... LOL.
The girl who is turning into a lady... From nail polish to eyeliner... what's next?!
She's concentrating so hard to get the photo right. Heh
Our yummy ice-creams!! 2 banana splits and a cookie crunch, please!
Captured!
More pictures are with PX... so, I'm awaiting her to upload it and post it up, then I'd steal it. (=
Girls, next stop: Mt. Faber! When when when??!!!! Trust me, you'll never regret dining at the oh-so-expensive outdoor restaurant. The scenery and ambience is just too 'wow', and believe me, you'd never wanna go home. A perfect place to go for a date.
Talking about dates, we went to the roof of Esplanade, and was mesmerized with the view of the moon. Full moon, and really bright, and clear skies, and it was just so perfect. Really perfect. I could go into emo-ing mode there. LOL.
So now that the day's over, I guess I'm just gonna rest up and watch 'Keith'.
I'm just gonna cry to the movie. And yeah, Jesse McCartney's in the movie! He's so cute. I'm just so in the mood for sad movies now. Like Romeo + Juliet, Save the Last Dance, 'O', etc etc.
Anyhow... I think I'm just gonna let things go. Whatever that's gonna happen, let it be. Life's too short.
Pretty faces, and bitchy hearts. That's what you'll get.
crushcrushcrush by Paramore
I got a lot to say to you Yeah, I got a lot to say I noticed your eyes are always glued to me Keeping them here And it makes no sense at all
They taped over your mouth Scribbled out the truth with their lies You little spies They taped over your mouth Scribbled out the truth with their lies You little spies
Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone Just the one, two I was just counting on That never happens I guess I’m dreaming again Let’s be more than this
If you want to play it like a game Well, come on, come on, let’s play Cause I’d rather waste my life pretending Than have to forget you for one whole minute
They taped over your mouth Scribbled out the truth with their lies You little spies They taped over your mouth Scribbled out the truth with their lies You little spies
Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone Just the one, two I was just counting on That never happens I guess I’m dreaming again Let’s be more than this now
Rock and roll, baby Don’t you know that we’re all alone now? I need something to sing about Rock and roll, hey Don’t you know, baby, we’re all alone now? I need something to sing about Rock and roll, hey Don’t you know, baby, we’re all alone now? Give me something to sing about
Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone Just the one, two I was just counting on That never happens I guess I’m dreaming again Let’s be more than No, oh
Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone Just the one, two I was just counting on That never happens I guess I’m dreaming again Let’s be more than More than this
Much love.
the beauty exposed ; 11:05 PM
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Can't let you go.....
Can't Let You Go by Matchbox Twenty
I'll stick around And see how bad it gets I'll settle down And deal with old regrets You know I I adore you
I Can't let you go Can't let you go You're part of my soul You're all that I know Can't let you go
Is it better now Do you feel like all is fair Can we work it out So that it's easier for me to bed Because life, it can blind you
I can't let you go Can't let you go You're part of my soul You're all that I know can't let you go
Down from the edge I can see you where we end I'd give up all of my days to go back There was all this wonder and all this magic Is all this wonder Over and done
If love were a whisper What could I give you to speak Maybe you're out of my reach
I can't let you go
You're part of my soul You're all that I know
Upon much request: 'E'. 'E' is probably so adorable I'll just die of being intoxicated by it. Cute, funny, lame, stupid at times, silly... Honestly, I used to have a crush on 'E'... and funny thing is, he's too slow to even realize it. He only realized it only after I'm like all over him, and well, yeah. We have got to go to the playground again soon! Oh oh, and roller-blading too!! Oh ohhhh.... WATCH THE SUNRISE!
'F'. 'F' is the brother I wish I had. The brother who gives me tough love, but cares alot. There... that's all I gotta say about 'F'.
And I probably have a song for each and everyone of you... maybe I'll list them in my next post so that you could just take the time to search for it.
the beauty exposed ; 11:17 PM
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Reliving old memories.
Don't Speak by No Doubt
You and me We used to be together Everyday together always I really feel That I'm losing my best friend I can't believe This could be the end It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real Well I don't want to know
Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me cause it hurts Don't speak I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons Don't tell me cause it hurts
Our memories Well, they can be inviting But some are altogether Mighty frightening As we die, both you and I With my head in my hands I sit and cry
Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no) Don't speak I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons Don't tell me cause it hurts
It's all ending I gotta stop pretending who we are... You and me I can see us dying...are we?
Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no) Don't speak I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons Don't tell me cause it hurts Don't tell me cause it hurts! I know what you're saying So please stop explaining
Don't speak, Don't speak, Don't speak, Oh I know what you're thinking And I don't need your reasons I know you're good, I know you're good, I know you're real good Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush Don't tell me tell me cause it hurts Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
the beauty exposed ; 9:05 PM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Emo-ing away...
So fucking Blow those words out the back of your head I've heard it all and I’m done with that shit You tell me lies and You give what you get So blow those fucking words out the back of your head
Blow by Atreyu
Warning: This entry is gonna be one long, shitty, emo entry. And probably shitload of criticism about you.
Went for my stupid course today, and believe me when I said I was zoned out for 8hours straight. I was barely concentrating to the instructor, I was barely alive during participation times, and I was just not there.
Kyle kept me company from 11am till well, now. (via sms, stupid)
After the whole shit, went to meet up with Fairuz, Rania, Nadd, and Nadiah for dinner at CCK. Omfg, the food was awesome. Seafood are always awesome... We've got to have dinner together again, soon. Pictures are all in Fairuz's camera, so go check out his FaceBook, or Rania's blog for the crazy pictures. Maybe I'll place some on my FaceBook as well. Idk.
And still, the shit is in my head.
Anyhow, my mom once said to me: "You've got a pretty face, but you don't know how to carry it... Look at you, quite smart, and pretty, but you don't even have a decent boyfriend... -sighs- What's happening to you? Always so gloomy in your room, or outside with friends who are boys, but none of them are your boyfriend... You're turning 20, you know... not young anymore... don't you ever think of going on a steady, serious relationship for a few years, then start planning ahead? If this goes on, you will jadi anak dara tua (become an old maid)!"
Whatever, ok?
So let me talk about people today. Guys, in particular. (And nope, I am not naming them to protect their pathetic identities, or I just don't want them to know I'm talking about them. They can go figure and guess). Oh, and I'm gonna be super thick-skinned.
Let's start with 'A'. I know A probably loves me a whole lot, probably loves me more than he loves himself, or whatever. I know he's willing to trade anything to just see me smiling each day, or just know that I'm ok and shit. And I do love A alot too. But it's just that, as the days turn into weeks, I'm starting to treat him more like a brother, and that's just how I love him. I know it's disappointing on his part, but I just can't picture myself with him (if you get what I mean). A is probably one of the sweetest being ever, someone I'd call a real man. We just get along too well, and he's like always there for me, and the way he dotes on me.... Idk... it's just like sibling-love. A is probably the brother I never had. Or brother in my previous life. Or next. Idk. All I know is that, I don't deserve 'A'.
'B'. I've known 'B' for 4 years now, I think... And it's sad to say that he doesn't even know what's my full name (what more, spell it), he doesn't know my exact address, neither does he know whether I'm an RN or EN, or which ward I'm working in, or whether or not I've got a home phone number. And I know pretty much everything about him. He claims to know me, and understands me, and loves me, but how true is it? I've tried putting it to a test. He doesn't know anything about me. He don't understand me at all. Love? How do I test that, again? Even in my worst troubles, or deepest fears, he's absolutely clueless about it. It's either he pretends nothing's going on, or he honestly doesn't know. I can't talk to him about anything at all. We may have known each other for 4 years, but clearly, we're nothing but strangers. He talks about what he's interested in, and I'll listen. That's all. He cuts me whenever I am talking about something i'm interested in, and tells me how boring it is. Rude, I know. Over the 4 years, despite meeting every so often, it's worth nothing. He doesn't even know who I am. He can't even read my body language. Idk.. Oh, to add on, 'B' likes/loves me.
'C'. 'C' is probably someone I just can't give up on, no matter how much I've tried. No matter what he does, what he says, how ignorant he gets, or just how he acts like as though I don't exist.... Idk why but I just can't find myself giving it up. You could tell me a million and one bad things about 'C', but I'm just gonna listen for that minute, and the next, it's all gone, like as though all along, you were telling me positive things. Warn me all you like, but idk. I'm seriously screwed when it comes to 'C'. Call me insane, but I don't think I'm letting it go just like that. Sure, I like 'C', call it infatuation if you want, but I'm sure the whole world is infatuated with 'C' too. Lol. It's just driving me crazy ever since shit happened. Shit that's not supposed to happen. Call it a mistake. But then again, I've been making lots of mistakes, I get confused. Maybe... I'm just not awesome enough, yeah? And I think I'm starting to resent you for some reason. I just am starting to dislike you so much. For some reason. Idfk.
'D'. 'D' received his first slap by me. And it wasn't once... I slapped him like 6 times or so in one night. Repeatedly. Not because I was so mad at him, it was because I was trying to get him to wake up from his drunkeness state... when all I could do was just leave him by the streets and not give a shit.. but I'm not that kinda person. Idk why, I just happened to care for 'D'. Maybe because he cares too much for me lately. 'D' is one confused, lost sheep... Who doesn't know what to do in life, or where he's going, or what's going on.. And I just happened to be there, available, and shit, and there you go, I'm his guidance in life now.. Sure, I find a lot of comfort in 'D', but somehow, something tells me it's not gonna last. It's just temporary. And 'D' confessed that he likes/loves me. And 'D' really could read me like an open book. I can't lie to 'D' about anything, or hide away anything. There's just no point... it's like he could see through my soul and just grasp the truth out of there. Scary, I know.
And you know, some of you probably don't even deserve to have me as a friend. Because you wanna know how I think you treat me?
When you are fucking bored out of your mind, you text me. You call me. You IMed me. When there's no one else in the world wanna head out with you, I'm the person to call, cuz you very fucking well know I can't refuse the offer because I'm such a nice friend like that. No matter how fucking busy I am, I try to make time for you. Why? Because I fucking treasure you as a friend. But do you do the same? Nope. I'm just like a replacement. A spare part. A dummy. A toy. Once broken, throw it away. When you think you're bored of me, discard me. Ignore me. Push me aside.
I am not your fucking toy. I am not your fucking replacement. I am not your fucking spare 'friend'. I am not yours, to begin with. I am not anyone's.
Call me difficult. Call me an emo bitch. Call me anything. I don't care.
Note to 'A': I love you shitloads. Note to 'B': I don't know. Call me faithless. Note to 'C': I just can't get through to you... I don't even wanna put any more effort in if you're not gonna do the same. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you && I fucking miss you. Why won't you just fucking call? Note to 'D': After the vanishing act, it's amazing how I once again became part of your life. Here, let me give you the strings, and go ahead and control me like a puppet.
See? Maybe this is why I can't find myself anyone decent. A thousand guys may like me, but none will dare to tame me. Will you take the challenge?
Trust me, I am not as difficult as I seem to portray here. If you know me pretty deep enough, you'd know that.
the beauty exposed ; 11:04 PM
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
No matter what I've said, the feeling's still buried deep inside me.
Hold the Door by Armor for Sleep
There's plenty of space for me in the back of your car, I can move all your things around. Was standing alone on the side of the road 'til I saw your headlights catch me.
I keep to myself on the right, Trying hard to hide all the dirt that covers me. You only can hide who you are if you don't care where you're going anyway.
I don't wanna be who I was back then. (I almost lost you again.) I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar. (Hold the door for me.)
I set them on fire back there, They didn't know what hit them. It's always the ones you never suspect. Don't want to accept what I've become.
I don't wanna be who I was back then. (I almost lost you again.) I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar. (Hold the door for me.)
Don't wanna take the wheel from you, just keep on driving, keep on driving. Just tell me what you want me to do, just keep on driving, keep on driving.
I don't wanna be who I was back then. I almost lost you.
I don't wanna be who I was back then. (I almost lost you again.) I don't wanna see through the eyes of a liar. (Hold the door for me.)
Hold the door for me, for me.
the beauty exposed ; 3:35 PM
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Time is wasted,and gone
Today is gonna be so random.
I know not all guys are such assholes, but it's the majority of them that speaks for everyone. I still need to be proven wrong.
I've been wasting so much time and effort pondering on the situation, and I'm just gonna give up for real. Thanks to all who tried helping me ever since this shit happened (special mentions to kenny kriz, cass, kyle, derek, px, eric)
And stop turning my life into a complete disaster. Go ahead and make it interesting, but not complicated. I'm through with a soap opera life.
Corrine and px - When's our pepper lunch date gonna be?
Anyhow, went out to drink with Fiza, Lin, and Kyle last night after I had my hair colored fiery red. We opened 2 bottles of vodka, and finished it all within a couple of hours, and I was dead drunk. And made some stupid mistakes, said some stupid things... and was so close to sending out a pre-written text message.. I only got back home like, 6am this morning, and I was shit drunk, and gone. Totally passed out on my bed.. woke up at 9am, and told myself to sleep in for another hour before I get up and shit, and I woke up at like, 1pm. Kyle called, met him up at 3pm, watched My Sassy Girl (omfg, it's so nice, and sad... and sweet... I was like so close to tears), and then we had our dinner, and sat down, and just talked. I almost cried talking to Kyle, and well, he's facing the same situation as well.. I dunno.. Just lucky we've got one another to talk about shit like this to.
Anyhow, tomorrow's another day for me.
Jeremy - I'm so sorry I didn't turn up for your graduation parade. I'm so so so so so so beyond sorry.
Dammit. I feel so fucked up now. I need more booze. Anyone?
the beauty exposed ; 11:54 PM
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Music is my misery now.
Title: Which to bury, us or the hatchet? Performed by: Relient K
And you don't care Your face is on a billboard And you're everywhere You don't care much for interviews You're gone, you're gone, you're gone, you're gone You've gone away If you don't like being hurt then please don't stay
You're Gone by Something Corporate
And I am torn to do what I have to......
Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile because You make it hard to breathe Why do you do this to me?
I should have known this wasn't real And fought it off and fought to feel What matters most? Everything That you feel while listening to every word that I sing. I promise you I will bring you home I will bring you home.
Why by Secondhand Serenade
I am ignoring all of your crude remarks. Don't get mad cuz... I'm just so ignorant, remember?
Random laughs from my NC: Dark chocolate is good for sex... Really... (She's attempting to make me laugh after realizing I've been moody the entire week. She failed, obviously.)
NOTE: The reason I'm KIV booked on the 9th and 10th is because I'm not too sure I wanna meet up with Kyle on either days. He's may be one of my best source of comfort now, but I'm not so sure... And I might be getting my hair colored orange either one of the days too. 'I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.. I know, right now you can't tell'
the beauty exposed ; 8:42 AM
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Missing In Action. AWoL
I'm gonna go missing in action from today onwards. Don't ask me for reasons, I just won't tell. There's no point, is there?
I won't be updating here much. I won't text unless you text me, and even so, I might not reply unless I think it's worth my time. I won't even reply over msn, or emails. I might not pick up your calls. I think it all depends if you're what i consider a friend...
I'll place up my roster over at the sides, so if for some reasons you think you need to meet me, book me. But i won't promise to be free on that very day.
Don't you think it's time I sort out who are my friends that care and who are the morons that are plain using me for their own benefits? I think playtime's over. I am no longer the person you knew.
It's because of minute things that I can't sleep. I've turned into an insomniac because of things like these. And you know what now, it's over.
