Thursday, February 23, 2012
Adult joke.
Last night, while underneath his place, there was a couple of stray cats... I stopped to pet one of the cats... For some odd reason, the cat kept on walking through in between my legs, back and forth over and over.. I finally gave up and walked away, and asked aloud "What's in between my legs?!"
And his instant reply: "Mine!"
I just gave him a side stare for the longest time before he burst out laughing at his own response, and went on to explain "I don't want to share what's in between your legs. I'm possessive like that"
Men.
the beauty exposed ; 10:15 AM
Saturday, February 18, 2012
A random question...
The other day, he posed this question to me:
"What is a decent girl like you doing with a bad boy like me? How did you find it in you to love someone like me?"
I kept quiet for the longest time, and finally replied:
"Love makes you do the craziest things you never thought you'd do, and loving you is the craziest thing I ever do, but I will never regret it"
We came from opposite sides of the world (literally), and we came from very different backgrounds, with very different lifestyles. Sounds like something from the movies: good girl meets bad boy. Bad boy falls in love with good girl, good girl falls in love with bad boy. Happily ever after.....?
the beauty exposed ; 10:36 AM
Monday, February 13, 2012
The love story from 2003 up till today.
After procrastinating so much... I thought finally I'd come clean about my love life with Jake... It will really sound like a drama of sorts, and perhaps, I could even write a short novel about it.
Back in 2003 (yeah, 9 years ago... I didn't realize it's been such a looooong time!), I befriended a new classmate whom I shall call 'V'. We clicked really well for some unknown reason. From being acquaintances, we became best friends. During some point of the year, I think probably in the first quarter of the year, her cousin, Josh, was here with his mother visiting her. Her cousin was 8 years old, maybe 9 years old.. I can't remember how old that kid is now.. He was visiting from California.. And him being a kid, we just started randomly talking on the phone, chatting about childish stuffs, and we eventually clicked as well. Josh would call me every single day to talk about random stuffs - it could be about cartoons, movies, music, his homework. Anything. And him being a younger kid, it was so very easy to entertain him. Then his father, Thomas - whom I call Tom, came by here with his brother, and I did speak to him for a couple of times over the phone - mostly about general stuffs. His brother, Jake (back then I knew him as Keith - that's his first name), would refuse to talk on the phone - the most he would do is take the phone, blow into it, make stupid sounds which made me laugh. I never heard his voice for the longest time. He added me onto MSN, and we did chat several times... Amazing how he could do IM chatting, but refused to talk to me over the phone. Anyhow, that was how I got to know him.
When I first knew him back in 2003, he was 25 years old. He was married to a girl named Clare, who was 24 years old. While he was visiting then, his wife didn't come along with him as she wasn't able to get time off from work. He showed me his wedding pictures, and we just talked about random stuffs like friends normally do. It suddenly became a routine to chat with him every day after school in the evenings. I never met him. Never spoke on the phone with him. Eventually, he returned to the States, and we still kept in touch via emails and MSN when we manage to get each other online (remember the differences in time zone - he's from NY).
In the third quarter of the year, he came down to visit again, this time with his wife. And finally he decided to talk to me over the phone after getting jealous seeing his nephew Josh, his brother Thom, his sister-in-law Jessie, and even his wife Clare talking to me on the phone. I remembered him taking the phone from Josh, stayed quiet for the longest time, and finally said 'Hi'. I swear that was the first time I heard his voice - it's like as though he had a voice of gold or something, so precious and refused to talk to me. We were just rambling about our usual random stuffs, and he made a fuss on how I was pronouncing his name wrongly - I knew him as Keith back then, which was hard to pronounce as I kept making the mistake of pronouncing it as 'Keif', and I in return was teaching him how to pronounce my name properly. And he was excitedly telling me that Clare was a couple weeks pregnant. From that first time we spoke on the phone, we gradually start warming up to each other, and alternate between being online, and talking on the phone. Even when he returned to the States, we continued on the routine, and we took turns to stay up late (different time zones).
In 2004, in the first half of the year, he came down here again with his wife. Finally met up after knowing each other for one whole year, went out for a casual early dinner. Clare was one hell of a gorgeous blonde in real life.. I was jealous. He looks even more amazing in real life than in pictures. I was a retarded 15 year old teenager. For some odd reason, Clare wasn't her usual chatty self then, she refused to keep a conversation with me, and gave me one-word replies to my questions. I just ignored, and focused to talking to her husband then. We started talking to each other every single day without fail, and spend the weekends together. He will tutor me with whatever subjects I needed help with back then. He was like a father figure to me, and he regarded me as his baby sister.
I remembered him calling me in the middle of the night on April 25th, 2004... excitedly telling me that Clare has given birth to a baby girl, that he was very happy to be able to finally meet his daughter, that he cannot believe he's a father already. He doted on his daughter, Katie, a whole lot.. Spoil her, attended to her every need. I remembered telling Clare that she is one lucky person to have him as a husband. We continued on the "brother-sister" relationship for a while until probably around June, when he confessed that he had more feelings for me than intended... that he wanted me in other ways than just a baby sister. I knew it was wrong. He was 11 years older than I was. He was married. I told him to look at Katie, and think about Clare, that he's married, he had Clare in his life, he recited those vows for a reason. He told me the love he had for me was overpowering, more than he ever loved his wife, and that he already filed for a divorce, just waiting for the letter to reach his wife. I remembered clearly how pissed off Clare was when she finally got the divorce papers, and called me a bitch, home-wrecker slut, about how the both of us are a match made in hell. Clare got custody of Katie, filing that he's an abusive man who was deployed out of the country alot, and also because their daughter was several months old who requires the care of a mother. I don't know... I still feel horrible knowing that I wrecked someone's marriage. I wrecked a home. After, we tried dating, finally told me to call him Jake... Long-distance relationship was hard, and even harder was the fact that he was a lot older than I was. It did felt like as though he was babysitting me at times, like looking out for me just how my brother looks out for me. Kissing him was weird. Felt weird. I knew nuts about handling a relationship. I knew nuts about men. Shortly after we got together, he got a short deployment, and we spent whatever time he had got on the phone while he was deployed. I was worried sick for him every single day, not sure if he will make it out of there alive and in one piece.
In Feb 2005, a week before Valentine's Day, we broke up. I couldn't take the worrying any longer. He wanted more in the relationship (he's 26, for fuck's sake. He has needs which I couldn't attend to at that point of time. I was a kid. I was underage). We parted ways... I helped him hook up with a couple of girls, teared each time I hear how he talks to the other girl. At one point, we didn't contact one another till May 2005... I remembered him texting me when I was in a lecture in school - about how he missed me, and how he can't go on without having me. I cried in the lecture theater like an idiot. I met him a week later when he was down here, and oh my god... the comfort I felt - it was beyond words. We patched things up, and tried again. I was 16, he was 27. Towards the end of the year, he had to yet go for another deployment, and it will take up one whole year - he would only return in late 2006. I begged him not to go, but he said he had to work to sustain himself. It would sometimes go for days without talking to him, or hearing anything. I would read the news every single day in fear of seeing a familiar name, or a familiar platoon in trouble. I was 16. I was a teenager. I felt deprived. I started dating someone else. I wasn't sure where him and I stood any longer, and I just jumped into another relationship. Worst still, I broke up with him over the phone when he called. I told him bluntly that I was seeing someone else. That I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.
A year passed. He never attempted to contact me. I stopped worrying for him. I eventually forgot about him.
Until late 2006... He suddenly called me, telling me that his deployment ended, and that he's back home... And he wanted to know how has the past year been for me, how was life treating me, etc... And I threw a devastating news into his face.. He tried being there for me as he knew I had no one else to turn to.. He was severely upset, broken, but refused to show it. And once again, we tried to patch things up. I was 17, he was 28. We continued seeing each other until mid 2007, where he had to go for another deployment, also another year's worth. And then I suddenly couldn't take it anymore... Told him to leave my life completely, never come back. Never to find for me. He called my mom up for clarifications, and my mom sided me on it... like duh, I'm her daughter.. She told him off... And after that, I changed every possible ways of contacting me, making sure that he could never get in touch with me ever again.
Honestly speaking, I do think of him during the time when we were not in touch... from 2007. 2008. 2009. 2010. 2011.
I missed him. I wished to just see him once more, even from afar. I wished to hear his voice. Every time a Caucasian dude walk by me, I hope it was him I see.
Why didn't I find for him? I didn't know where he was... He was always changing bases in the States, and will reside in accordance to where he was stationed at. He changed his contact number. He changed his email address. I can't even find him on Facebook or Twitter. It was like he disappeared from the face of the Earth.
Psychotic, I know.
Finally, end of 2011.
He found me. It was the greatest thing ever. Hearing his voice. Seeing his smile. Hugging him. His warmth. The contours of his body. The familiarity. It was so comfortable, that I almost thought I found home. Life may not always be sunshine and rainbows with him... but then again, life never is perfect. But he makes my day complete. He makes me smile. He treats me better than the rest of the men in my life ever did. He holds me more than I ever needed to be held. He makes me laugh. He cooks for me. He waits for me to fall asleep every night. He respects me as a person. He never took advantage of me.
I think he is the one. Yet he wants me to wait 2 years before settling down. To learn about each other all over again.
If you love someone, let them go... If they come back to you, then it's meant to be.
I think it's really meant to be.
Jake Belmont, you have no idea how you turned my life around. You stole my heart, let me steal your last name.
the beauty exposed ; 3:23 PM
Friday, February 10, 2012
Love in all its aspects
Been a little slow on blogging lately... I think it's back to the usual: nothing to blog about. Nothing interesting is going on.
But I honestly think the main reason for me not blogging is because I simply have no time. I knock off work at 5pm on weekdays, and right after work, I meet Jake at his place all the way till almost midnight. Then I head home, and sleep. Same routine every single day. And as well all know, he has a thing about me using the phone while with him... So during the period if there are no tweets from me, or if I don't pick up calls, or reply texts, it means I'm with him. I'll put my phone to silent and dump it in my bag. The routine is slowly growing on me, meaning that if I were to skip a day and not meet him, it actually feels weird.
That would also mean my social life is going to zero. He gets upset if I cancel on him at the last minute, and starts getting paranoid. He won't say it to my face, but he'll start getting very cranky. Hence, I'm going around telling everyone to inform me in advance if a meetup is in planning, so I could block off the dates, and inform him prior.
Like I've mentioned a couple of blogposts ago, we have been trying out this thing called 'communication'. Since we've been apart from each other's lives for 6 years, we're trying to fill up the gaps. I haven't told him much about my time in the span of 6 years, but he knows certain important details here and there... and he is trying to understand the fear I get around boys, and the physical attachment. But when he opened up and told me his side of the story... it wasn't just about that span of 6 years... He went way back to even before I knew him.. About what he did in his past.. When I accepted him into my life back then, I knew he used to be an addict, with an extensive criminal records. I decided to look past that, look past his drug use, his time in jail over and over, his time in rehab, his violent temper. But a couple of days back... he told me something that totally punched me in the gut... I had no idea how to react to his confession, that I just kept quiet and stared at his face blankly. Did it change my perception of him? Yes, it kind of did... I tried to understand that there was a reason behind it, that he sorta commit those things because he was provoked... But it scares me... It scares me to the point where now I have to be careful of what I say in an argument with him... To ensure that I do not trigger that in him.
What did he do?
I can't even say it here. I am still trying to get to terms with it. And I swore that I will not tell.
It will make me a different person if that happened to me.
I love him unconditionally, yes. To the point whereby I am looking past all these things he had done in his life before me. I am trying to let him start with a clean slate. And hopefully start his life anew. It will take a lot of hard work to "recondition" him, and break him away from his old habits and lifestyle and perceptions. But it's something I am willing to dive into.
Love makes you do things you never thought you would or could.
I never thought I'd fall in love with someone who was a drug addict. Someone who was once a racist skinhead. Someone who served time in jail.
Behind all that, there is that man I love. Love made me want to understand his behavior, his reason for all that in his past.
Love makes you blind.
-----------------------------------------
I am tired. Very tired. In all aspects of life.
Love is a very tiring thing. No wonder I shun it away for as long as I can remember.
I forgot what it's like to return home straight after work. My mom is almost always pissed off at me for returning home at late hours every single day. I am never at home. I haven't seen my sister in days. I just saw my brother a couple of days ago after days of not seeing him. I haven't spoke to my grandmother in days... each time I return home, she'll be asleep. My mom is too pissed off at me to even talk to me.
He has taken over so much of my time. I truly wonder why won't he just come clean, meet my mom and brother, and tell them straight up what he wants. Because I don't know how long I can keep up staying out late everyday to be with him at his place. I will eventually get kicked out of the house.
Love is tiring.
the beauty exposed ; 10:39 AM
Friday, February 3, 2012
The world is getting smaller
Click to enlarge image
I can't believe I'm being called dainty and princess angel and fragile porcelain doll.
Sheesh.
And yes yes, yet another convo with MK, the 37yr old married man I had a crush on. And guess what... Jake and him are actually good friends. Small world, huh?
Seriously, the world has just gotten a lot smaller with every single person I know. They are always bound to know someone else I know. The six degrees of friendship really is real.
Anyhow, yay to me for achieving "dainty-ness".
the beauty exposed ; 8:31 AM
