I have never been more horrified ever in my life... Let's exclude the certain parts where I screamed my lungs out at every roller-coaster ride, or how I struggle aimlessly upon being plunged down in the pool.
I'm talking about real horror here.
Have you ever felt so threatened? Life-threatened, to be exact. Feeling so helpless, but at the same time, you do know there's something that could be done to avoid the mishap but you just don't know what. Like being inches away from having a car run over you, or that misstep that made you fall flat onto the ground.... that kinda feeling.
Maybe I should blame it on the microwaved scrambled egg I made for supper (which tasted delicious, I might add). Maybe the microwave radiation whacked the cells out of my brain, and thus, the hallucination and then this crap entry about horror.
I broke my record of sleeping for 16 hours yesterday, and was barely awake for more then 8 hours or so. It is my record, so far. The next time I sleep any longer than that, I'd be in a comatose state... And make sure you guys come and visit me and give me a reason to continue on living. XD
Maybe I should blame it on the book I'm currently reading, The Devil's Disciple by Glenn Meade. I should stop reading about stuff that include murder, or occult stuff, or death. But if I don't read that, I'd be reading those erotic sex novels, and then...... well...
Maybe I should blame it on watching It's A Boy-Girl Thing.... the movie where a couple of teenagers had their souls switched. It's something like Freaky Friday, and Hot Chick. Maybe I should stop watching soul-switching movies altogether.
So what exactly happened? Well, frankly, I can't re-enact the entire scene to the dot, for I can't really convey it in words. You need to be there, you need to go through it to understand the fear I'm going through.
So it was midnight, or slightly pass midnight, and I was saying my goodnights to the people who were texting me. My room is partially dark, with the moonlight trying to seep through the windows. I sleep on the side of the bed closer to the window, and I could hear the whirring sounds of the fan. As usual, I'd always stare blankly at the ceiling, recollecting thoughts and doing a quick self-reflection before I say a quick 'prayer' or rather, wish. Then I'd try to make out shapes coming from the shadows around me, and tell myself not to fear what is not there.
Let's fast forward.
I turned to my side, pulled my blanket up to my waist, and hugged my penguin as I closed my eyes, preparing to fall asleep. I did the deep breathing thingy, and trying to get myself to think of nothingness, make my mind into a complete blank. And then it happened...
It happened quite slowly, in fact. I could just feel it coming out of me. It's like a transition. It felt like my soul was getting out of my body right there and then... And I was very much conscious, but incapable of moving any of my limbs or opening my eyes. I was paralyzed. And it went on, and the whole world surrounding me just started to vibrate.... no, it shook, like a really strong earthquake just trembled the earth. And I realized I could no longer breathe, no matter how hard I try to fight for my air, my lungs just couldn't function, I just couldn't breathe. And in my head, I kept begging 'I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die I don't wanna die'. It was driving me crazy as for the next instant, I saw myself curled up on the bed in another person's view. And with a quick blink of an eye, I felt something just went into me. And the next thing I know, I was gasping for air, sweating, and feeling so dizzy to the point where I just puked out my supper.
I was terrified that it would happen again.
I stayed awake for another couple of hours, rocking myself as I sit on my bed. And I kept praying, wishing, begging to not take my life away as I still have got so many things unaccomplished. That I barely made it to 20 yet. That I barely did anything in life. Yes, I am naive to believe that I was close to death, but that is the way I choose to see it in. I kept begging and telling myself to not die or simply give in until I was calmed enough and told myself it was nothing but a sham, that my hyperactive head was just playing tricks with me to scare the shit out of me. So, I lay flat in bed, staring upwards to the ceiling, and closed my eyes, and did the whole deep-breathing, mind-blanking thing. And again, it happened. This time, my whole world just seemed to shake violently and it felt like as though my brain was vibrating inside my head. Again, I couldn't move. And again, I could just plead and beg and prayed, and wished 'I don't wanna die tonight. Not tonight, please. I don't wanna die yet, not yet, please please please please please. Let me sleep and I wanna wake up to see the sun tomorrow, see my family, see my friends, go to work, spend my cash. Please don't steal my soul tonight'. And that went on for a while, before I finally regained control of myself and jolted up in bed. Perspiring. Gasping.
If it was a nightmare, it was a really bad one. A really realistic, bad nightmare.
And, as if not learning my lesson, I lay back in bed. Feeling dead tired from all the crap that happened. And tried to kept my eyes opened for as long as I could, and all the while, for once, honestly praying to the Being out there to not take me tonight, or rather, not send me to Hell tonight. And the next thing I knew, I woke up, and it was 7am in the morning... Just in time to see the sun making its way up in the sky.
---
Like K told me after I told him this, maybe it's time I should repent. Maybe it's time I should seek forgiveness. Maybe it's time for me to stop being so damn sinful. Maybe it's time for me to just stop whatever I am doing now.
And maybe it's a sign that I am going to die oh-so-soon.
Maybe, it's just a dream. A very realistic, scary dream that might just change the person I am. You think?
the beauty exposed ; 3:47 PM
Monday, October 27, 2008
^_^
Done with yet another round of nights. Next time round, I have got to remember to bring bottles.
Anyways, it's scabbing already... You might be asking, 'what's scabbing?'. Well, that's for you to find out the next time you meet me. You might just notice something different... And no, morons, I did not undergo any surgery. And oh, kudos to the artist, Aelvin of Imagine Studio. Thanks so much for the skilled job.. May I have a fake dimple like you, too? Eh, my artist is cute, you know. Cuter than yours la. [Sorry ladies, no picture of him... Go find him yourself, can?]
---
Anyhow, have you ever been struck by disappointment so bad that you don't even know what to do?
I bet everyone went through that moment somewhere in life.
It hurts, doesn't it? But at the same time, I find myself letting go.... slowly. It's slowing fading away from mind... maybe the phrase out of sight, out of mind works at the moment.
---
So I've missed yet another gig... Yup yup, I'm talking about Avenged Sevenfold's gig that happened last Friday... And I might have to miss yet another upcoming gig, the Taste of Chaos tour (consisting of Atreyu, As I Lay Dying, Story of the Year, and more). I wanna go so badly, so let's just hope I get the day off, ok?
And and and! Junjou Romantica Season 2 IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear it's the BESTanime I've ever watched in my entire life so far (ok, maybe there's still XXXHoLiC and Ghost Hunt... but still..) GO WATCH IT FUCKERS!
---
I've nothing to blog about at the moment. My mind's running on empty, so let's end today's entry with a song...
The Sky Is Falling by Aiden
I hear the sky is falling here we are, on empty I feel my heart is turning black tonight, safely If all we are are dust and shades of grey How are we to say are we all alone Because I'm empty To the fire that blinded who we are, silence Take a picture let it breathe alright, remindless All with words and the fiction in your eyes I'm taking off my disguise with you all alone Cause I'm empty, are you empty? are you empty tonight? Now kiss me one last time And bring me back to life Bring me back to life Now kiss me one last time And bring me back to life Bring me back to life I know the sky is falling here we are, I'm empty I feel the world keeps spinning am I high? safetly If we all we are is dust and shades of grey And how I wanted to say Are you all alone? cause I'm empty Are you empty? are you empty tonight? And all I fear tonight
Fiction will get us through the night (the sky is falling)
You died tragically in my sweet nightmare.
the beauty exposed ; 10:04 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Songs I'd Enjoy For Eternity.
If you've read my very first entry for this blog, you'd understand that I've got such a soft spot for music. And not just any kinda music, but music that carries lots of meanings, and you could literally feel it coming out from the hearts of the respective singers.
It's really a wonder how when you sometime just sit and listen to your player on shuffle mode, and it just blend in together with your mood. And when you're so down and feeling oh-so-blue, you tend to feel like as though certain songs were made just for you. Like, perfect timing and shit like that. Or when you're on a date with someone, and a certain song just so happen to come on the stereo, it'll fit so nicely that it became "your" song.
You do ever get that feeling, right?
---
Most of you guys would know me as a pretty hard-headed person who listens to nothing else but loud music. Well, that's what you see on the surface. Deep inside, I'm pretty soft-hearted. And I do listen to other genres of music, and classicals. My other favorite genre would be the one that include love songs, or sentimental music. Oh, the lyrics.
So I was lazing around with my cousins and discussing about music, and the different genres there are, and also sending music to and from one another via our cellphones. And I was absent-mindedly listening to Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You on repeated mode, and also making a mental list of songs I'd like to hear coming from my future boy dedicated to me, or songs I'd like to hear on my wedding day. It went on for the next 4 hours or so... and here's the list I've got:
- Secondhand Serenade's Fall For You (this is a definite must... let's just hope my future hubby will sing this out for me, yeah? I fell in love with this song the very first time I heard it, and I still remember the location and the time. Call me sick, but hey, this song was so perfect)
- Bryan Adam's (Everything I Do) I'd Do It For You (a beautiful classic)
- Kelly Clarkson's A Moment Like This
- The Phantom of the Opera's All I Ask Of You (duet!!)
- Lonestar's Amazed
- Brian McKnight's Back At One
- Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight
- Moulin Rouge's Come What May (Perfect duet!!)
- Bangles' Eternal Flame
- Celine Dion's Because You Love Me
- Shania Twain's From This Moment On
- New Found Glory's Glory of Love (the remake from Peter Cetera's)
- Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing
- Plus One's Last Flight Out
- Mandy Moore's or Switchfoot's Only Hope
- Journey's Open Arms
- The A-Teens' Sugar Rush
- 'N Sync's This I Promise You
- The Righteous Brothers' Unchained Melody
As for now, the above are the songs I adore, and could actually cry listening to. See? Soft-hearted, right?
Some songs were just meant for you.
Currently listening to: Daniel Beddingfield's If You're Not The One.
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today 'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right And though I can't be with you tonight You know my heart is by your side
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I dont understand If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way I can stay in your arms?
the beauty exposed ; 11:40 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Why I'd make a pretty boring girlfriend.
Warning: This is a very lame entry.
I was up all night thinking about reasons why I'd actually make a pretty boring girlfriend/partner. Actually, I think I am VERY boring.
Here's why (in random order): 1. I mostly wear black.... or red. I wear tees, or long-sleeved tees, or sleeveless tops, and jeans. I hardly wear skirts, shorts, or dresses.
2. I smell of J.Lo Live, or Givenchy..... always. (Now there's Body Shop's perfume & Diesel to add on!)
3. I only apply basic make up. Eyeliner is like a definite must.
4. I speak pretty monotonously. If you say one sentence, I reply back in one sentence. I am more of a listener rather than a talker. I can't crack jokes to save my life. I may enjoy gossiping, but I've got nothing juicy enough to share. Bottomline, I don't talk much. I enjoy the serenity and quiet moments shared.... it's quite precious, and romantic... as long as it's not too awkward.
5. I listen to bands that you probably never even heard of... so it's hard to share the same interest in music.
6. I hardly play any games. My last gaming moment would be FFVII Crisis Core. That seemed like eons ago already. PSP is happily collecting dust.
7. I am not those type of 'clingy' girlfriends who will text the boyfriend every few minutes/hours or so. I also am not the kind to be leaving a million miss calls on the phone. The boyfriend might only get a couple of message from me in the morning when I wake up, in the late afternoon, and before I sleep at night. Saves my text message counts. I am also not the kind who have got to meet the boyfriend every single day or I'd sulk. I'm cool with meeting once in a few days/week, depending on how our schedule fits in. He still need to meet his friends, I still need to meet up mine. He just needs to know that I love him all the time, despite the lack of messages and calls.
8. I can't look people in the eye. For some reasons unknown.... I can't talk to someone and look him/her in the eye at the same time... my eyes tend to wander around and view the surrounding, and many have found the action rude.... but I just can't help it.. I've tried my best.
9. I can't come up with any interesting plans for an outing or a day out. My ideal day out would be to the movies, window-shop, and dinner. Or to the beach and chill, dinner, and drinking. I somehow enjoy being indoors with the boyfriend and watching a rented movie, and cuddling up.
10, I'm shy..... very. I can't bring myself to display PDA (public display of affection). I don't know why.
There you go.... 10 reasons why I'd make a pretty boring girlfriend.
One thing I admit, I am pretty thick-skinned. LOLx. And bear with my sarcasm.
the beauty exposed ; 5:07 PM
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Timbuk2 for the Cinderella!
I've finally got it!
Yes! It's black/gray/black! And you have no idea how unbelieveably huge the bag is... seeing how petite I am. It is a freaking HUGE bag for a really reasonable price. As you can possibly see, I've only got 2 items in the bag, and some scraps of rubbish inside... It's spacious enough for me to place in an infant inside... Or bring the bag for a 3 days, 2 nights getaway packed with clothes. So what am I going to do with such a huge bag? Fill it with crap, of course! I've yet to figure out what to fill in... maybe I should start peeking through other people's bag and see what is it they've got inside their bags...
---
And why am I always deemed as Cinderella?
Yes, I bought Crocs for work sake.. This is the 3rd time I'm changing work shoes. First was Surfer's Paradise shoes, then B.U.M shoes, and now Crocs. And all this in 6 months. Well, the second picture, to the left is my brother's shoes, while to the right is my sister's shoes. You could obviously see how small my feet is... To the point everyone think it's super weird. For a 19-year old, I use a local size 4, and US size 2. And I admit, there are times I purchase my stuff from the kids' corner at the departmental store cuz it fits well.
---
Today's my first (and only, I hope) day working in High Dependency. And shit, I tell you, it's shitty. Everyone's on hourly parameters, hourly urine output monitoring, on CVP monitoring, on IV drip schedules. There was even one on spinal nursing. And thankfully, the crowd was NBM or on SOW. Definitely not my cup of tea.
And I'm starting to get the creeps from this person at work... Let's just call this person LCW, ok? I don't know what, but LCW appears wherever I am. And that creepy smile on the face... Just creepy, ok.....
---
Next on my list...... The Canon Powershot E1 in Cotton Pink. It costs $319 if you wanna get it for my birthday.
the beauty exposed ; 6:00 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Don't think you're so fucking famous my dear.
Tonight I'm finding a way To make the things that you say Just a little less obvious I confess Tonight I'm dressed up in gold You've got me fucked up and sold You talk like you're famous You're shameless Shameless by All Time Low
I am so tired. I am so pissed. I am not even going to start bitching about what happened. I am disappointed. I am upset. I need some comfort. I need some TLC. I can keep on wishing. I can keep on hoping. I am counting the days to absolutely nothing. To more disappointment, I suppose.
You are one fucked up person, I swear. You are one disaster came to life. You are one disgraceful, ignorant ass ever. You are one insensitive SOB. You talk like you're the only person existing. You talk and act like you're so fucking popular. You talk like you're so fucking important. You talk like you're famous You're shameless. And I am going to try forget the things that you said. And the things that you did. And you, entirely. I miss you lah, fucker.
And I am so fucking sick of attending to people from the higher social class. I am sick of plastering the god damned fake smile on my face, and the syrupy voice that comes along with it. I AM SICK OF IT. I could be a 5-star hotel waitress, or SQ stewardess with the damned smile and voice.... but not a nurse. NOT. I've got better things to do than listen to your fucking complains and demands. You may be paying $200/night or so, but my fucking pay still remains the fucking same regardless if I'm treating you or a C-class. So fuck it.
I want to be a bartendress. Or casino hostess.
Pfft...
the beauty exposed ; 6:34 PM
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Navigate me.
Title: Navigate Me Performed by: Cute is What We Aim For
This song is a complete turn-on.
the beauty exposed ; 7:54 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
And when you think you know someone...
Sometimes, most of the times, you would think you know someone well enough. You think you know the secrets your good friend have. You think you know the past histories your good friend have. You think you know your good friend right down to his/her bones.
Think again.
There are so many things you don't know about anyone, in reality. You only know what that person wants you to know. Like how much of an "angel" that person is, how "sane", how "kind", and the list goes on. Remember everyone, that is what you see on the surface.
And secrets. Do you really know all the secrets your good friend have got? Those really deep, dark secrets that probably either humiliate him/her for life, or ruin the friendship you've got, or just about anything at all.
"Yes! I know my good friend well enough, and I know EVERYTHING about him/her"
That's what you'd say.
Tell me, then. Did you tell your good friend everything about you? Would you say: 'Hey, I've had sex with [name] the other day. S/he was amazing in bed, man!' or 'I got pregnant last month, and got an abortion', or 'I stole my baby brother's money' or 'I pawned all my jewelleries' or 'I watch porn everyday of my life' or something along that line (can't think of more examples).
I doubt so. And there we go, let's have the same talk about open-mindedness again. Whatever. We all get the same gasp reaction if you say shit like that to anyone, even to a good friend. And that is why I find it hard to click with anyone due to the topic-constraint, and having to be sensitive and really introvert. I hate not being to able to discuss what I've got in mind, you know. Even on this damned blog, I have got to be careful with the content for I don't wanna be flaming anyone, or humiliating anyone, etc etc, unless the person is totally cool with it. For if I wanna share a story about myself, it'll always include someone else.
Screw this shit.
Just know that you will never know someone too well.
Oh, I used to have this former best friend, V, who said I would go to hell if I keep doubting the people around me. And believe it or not, I actually believed her. Actually made the bloody effort to go listen to every sermon from every religion possible (yes, that include church service on Sundays, and random church visit on random days). That lasted for like 3 months. Until to the point where I just got so pissed off, and decided 'hey, if I'm going to hell, then I'll make sure hell is one rocking place'. And the reason we are no longer friends is because V said 'whoever become [my] friends will all end up in hell with [me] for I am definitely one of Satan's'. So listen, boys and girls, be my friends at your own risk. For all you know, I may be breaking all your rules (religion-wise, dignity-wise, family-wise, etc etc).
It gets me so worried every time I hang out with anyone. I just fear if I'm doing anything wrong, not to hurt them directly, but indirectly, like their little set of rules they were brought up with. I do understand I've crossed so many lines (that I might just burn in hell once I die), but I really don't wanna bring my friends across that line with me. I mean, I don't want them to be doing something and feeling guilty after that. Guilt may not come instantaneously... it may take hours, to days, to weeks, or even years. And I worry for that, for I know NOTHING will make that guilt go away.
People whom I call friends: Please, if you are not comfortable with something, anything that I am doing, or trying to get you to do or join, let me know. I promise I won't eat you up.
I don't know how many people I've introduced alcohol to. I don't know how many bonds I've probably wrecked. I don't know how many curfews I've probably ignored. I don't know how many lives I've actually destroyed.
And simply put, I don't wanna think about it if they don't say anything back to me.
---
I'm listening to C grumble about the unfairness that exist upon the males and the females. Let's list down a few...
1. Why do guys get to be all hairy and not give a shit about it? Why is it mandatory for girls to be hair-free (and having to go through painful means to get it removed)? ` I wonder how they got it done a century ago...
2. Why do girls have to go through the painful, sick menstruation every month? ` For........... reproduction purposes....?
3. Why is it that most of the times, guys get the final say?
4. Why do girls have to undergo the excruciating pains of labor? And then having to work out all the excess fats due to pregnancy or the darling husband will leave her?
5. (And this, I must say, is the best one) Why is it that girls have got hymen in their vaginas? Isn't it unfair? It is so easy to tell if a girl is a virgin or not just by poking a finger through a vagina: no resistance simply means she's not, resistance simply means she is. And what about guys? They just have this one dick which probably penetrated a million vaginas in their entire lifetime, and yet, they could simply lie and say that he's a bloody virgin. Isn't it fucking unfair?
I agree with Number 5. I dare say it is unfair (and I am not implying anything here). You know how people look at non-virgins, right? Those disgraceful looks and such... and what's worst, some men don't even want to get married to non-virgins when they themselves are no longer virgins. Hypocrites. I used to believe in saving it for marriage... but what if I never got married?! I guess I was saving it for someone special (and even if that someone don't give a shit, I don't care. Even if that someone thought it was at a spur of the moment, I don't care. Even if that someone thought of it as nothing, I don't care. Even if that someone thought of it as free, and no-strings-attached, I don't care. Cuz I adore that someone, I like that someone, and I am falling for that someone. And I don't know, and don't care if that someone know who that someone is, for I am not going to humiliate that someone and state that someone's name right here at my very own blog entry. Save me from all the humiliation in the world, but there, I've said it).
MEN: Don't pretend to be all goody and shit when deep inside you know you're not. Sure, you could hide it from your families, but please, don't be hypocrites.
Sometimes, it's these tiny little notations that makes me dislike men in general. I think I've said before, I know not all men are the same, but it's the vast majority that speaks for its entire population. And I need the teeny minority to prove me wrong. And yet to be proven.
EDIT: I got the following quote from reading Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult (the quote is a little bit koyak): 'If you ever have sex, you're putting your chances to a gamble. It's really fifty-fifty. It's fifty percent chances that you won't get pregnant, and fifty percent chances that you will get pregnant. And luck will not always be on your side'
---
I suppose I'll use initials in R(A)-entries.... and names in PG-13-rated-entries. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Please do bear in mind that I am feeling quite high at the moment of typing this out. Thank you.
Title: When You Look Me In The Eyes Performed by: The Jonas Brothers
the beauty exposed ; 1:10 AM
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Stuck on you.
Stuck On You by Stacie Orrico
I can't get out of bed today Or get you off my mind I just can't seem to find a way To leave the love behind
I ain't trippin I'm just missing (you) You know what I'm saying You know what I mean
You kept me hanging on a string While you made me cry I tried to give you everything But you just gave me lies
I ain't trippin I'm just missing (you) You know what I'm saying You know what I mean (yeah)
Every now and then When I'm all alone I be wishing you will call me on the telephone Say you want me back But you never do I feel like such a fool There's nothing I can do.. I'm such a fool For you
I can't take it what am i waiting for? my hearts still breaking I miss you even more And I can't fake it The way I could before I hate you, but I love you I can't stop thinking of you! It's true I'm stuck on you
Now love's a broken record that's Been skipping in my head I keep singing yesterday Why we got to play these games we play?
I ain't trippin I'm just missing (you) You know what I'm saying You know what I mean (yeah)
Every now and then When I'm all alone I be wishing you would call me on the telephone Say you want me back But you never do I feel like such a fool
I can't take it what am i waiting for? My hearts still breaking I miss you even more And I can't fake it The way I could before I hate you, but I love you I can't stop thinking of you! It's true I'm stuck on you
Every now and then When I'm all alone I be wishing you would call me on the tel-e-phone Say you want me back But you never do I feel like such a fool There's nothing I can do.. I'm such a fool For you
I can't take it what am i waiting for? my hearts still breaking I miss you even more And I can't fake it The way I could before I hate you, but I love you I can't stop thinking of you- I hate you, but I love you I can't stop thinking of you (don't know what to do) I'm stuck on you
Everyone would know who this song is for, except for that particular person it's being directed to. Isn't it simply amazing?
Here's my thanks to the 3 psychos who bought for me a Guess messenger-bag (which is a tad big for me). I love it, really. The "studded" sling, and the manipulated loop to get it to nicely suit me. I'll try to find the time to sling it on, okie lovelies?
And I saw a guy with a Timbuk2 messenger today, and boy was I jealous. In case you have no idea how a Timbuk2 messenger looks like, it's similar to a Crumpler's messenger. I know everyone is going crazy for the Crumpler bags, and almost everyone have got it already. I've been refraining myself from getting one, for I don't wanna blend in and have the same thing everyone's having..... so here's where the Timbuk2 bags come in!
SO PLEASE GET ME A TIMBUK2 messenger or cargo tote. Would love to have it either in shades of red, pink or orange/brown. Thank you!
And oh boy, you ARE driving me crazy.
Goodnight loves.
At 11:11pm, I wished for you.
the beauty exposed ; 11:11 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Another day just flew by.
Finished my 4 rounds of night................. FINALLY.
Met up with PX and Corrine on my sleeping day for our usual junk: Japanese foods. Dined at Sushi Tei for a super early dinner, and then off to Secret Recipe for dessert. [[Pictures are all available on Facebook]]. And I managed to spoil myself by purchasing yet another perfume: Diesel's Fuel for Life. I need to start splurging on other things except for perfumes now...
Oh oh, let me share with you what happened on the morning of my sleeping day. I was in the train heading home, and was just resting my eyes.... and then there was this smell that struck me... It wasn't a horrible smell, it was a really nice, yummy, sexy smell... coming from the passenger next to me. And I have this ultimate weakness for colognes, so, I just pretended to fall asleep, and lean onto him, and inhaled deeply, savoring the smell of his cologne.
Yes, yes, I am a sucker for colognes. DKNY Be Delicious for men... Boss Soul... Diesel... Burberry... Why do they all smell so nice...? I guess it's just the strong, confident, sexy smell that I totally adore...
**Dear Santa, for Christmas this year, I don't want any presents. I only want to know what it's like to be a popular straight male for one day**
**Dear Friends, for my birthday in 2009, please do not crack your brains to think of what to get me. It is so unnecessary.......... for what I desire is listed to the left (excluding something which no one could get me which is not listed there to save myself from major embarrassment)**
LOLs.
the beauty exposed ; 11:14 PM
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Behind the beauty of being a nurse.
Nurses call the shots. Nurses are angels in disguise. RN means real nice. Nurses have lots of patience. Nurses can take the pressure. Angels are nurses that have earned their wings
Nursing is probably the most angelic job one could ever find, and probably one of the most heart-warming position ever.
That's what most people would say from an outsiders point of view.
Just wait till you've graduate and become a full-pledged nurse. You will start to realize the world is not made up of rainbows and candies. You will start to realize undeserving people bargain for more than they are paying for. And you will also realize that nurses are doing much much more than what we are getting paid for.
And nope, it's not about going the extra mile. It's a MUST DO or you'll get sued for eternity.
Sure, we attend to you with a smile plastered on our faces, with voices filled with syrup, and touch that is as gentle as a feather's. Basically, we wouldn't mind so if you simply give us a short 'thank you', or say 'please', instead of giving us that rude vacant glare, or that irritating voice which somehow implicates that we don't understand what you're going through.
And what's the shit about nurses are just being a doctor's assistant? Hello. We don't just dispense medications, give IVs, injections, do dressings. We happen to be the one serving you your meals, bathing you, changing you, cleaning you up after you freaking shit.
And just imagine the concoction of sight and smell that we have got to go through every single day. Piss. Shit. Barf. Gangrenous wound. Maggots on wound. Blood. Drool.
Yes, as a nurse, you get to face that almost every single day of your worklife. Whoopeee. Beautiful job? NO.
It's NOTHING like in the movies where you see nurses doing the well..... nurses job you've got in your tiny little heads. Oh, on top of all that, we've got TONS of paperwork to do. The reports to write. The pieces of paper we've got to fax. The phone calls we've got to make so that you undeserving people will actually get an appointment. We've got 8 hours to complete our job, and 7 hours of it are answering callbells and attending to people who have no absolute idea what they want. And that tiny hour goes to the paperwork, scribbling through, and just stashing things here and there. So what happens to our deserving breaks? Why not you answer that?
So how do you think we manage to still serve you with a smile plastered on our faces? Well, practice makes perfect, right? The amount of times where we feel like screaming right into your faces, or just running off and cry, or drowning ourselves with every possible solutions we could get a hold on to..... You have got no idea.
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Just because I am in my uniform in the train, that don't give you all the right in the world to be standing right in front of me, staring, and hoping I'll give up my seat for you. For I won't.
I used to have a really soft spot for elderly, or parents with small kids in tow, and I'd usually surrender my seat for them. Fine, no 'thank you' or smiles or a simple nod. But not anymore. Don't expect me to give up my seat for you (even if you're old) if you are boarding from Orchard, with flashy outfits and mini heels, and bags and bags of stuff. That just tells me that if you can freaking walk the entire length of Orchard Road, you could definitely stand throughout your journey home. So don't even pretend to give me that pathetic little faces of yours, standing in front of me, looking like as though you're gonna pass out at any moment, for I know you won't. And neither do you have the guts to. So just give it up.
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Back to the nursing topic.
Lately, my posture have gotten so bad I'm starting to slouch even while walking around. I have got a horrible backache, shoulderache, and every other aches that exists. I feel like I'm getting shorter, and I'm losing a lot of weight than desired. My cheeks aren't that puffy anymore, my jaw has gotten quite sunken in. My eyes are filled with dark circles and eyebags which even concealers can no longer hide. My hands are getting so dry and chapped, and much more frail as the hours pass. All I do on my off days are catching up with the sleep that I've lost. I no longer have time for friends. No longer have time to pamper myself. No longer have time for anything.
As it is so superly obvious, more than half the nursing population in Singapore are not married.
Why?
There's always no time.
No time to woo someone. No time to build up a relationship with someone. No time to talk about settling down with someone. In fact, no time to meet someone new, even.
Blah.
I don't want to end up in that pathetic little crowd.
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So, what's the beauty of being a nurse again?
Oh, that's right.
Getting the chance to wrap up dead bodies.
It's an art.
the beauty exposed ; 9:45 PM
Monday, October 6, 2008
Homosexuality today.
Homosexuality: erotic activity with another of the same sex
Gay: Homosexuality between males Lesbian: Homosexuality between females [definitions from m-w.com]
Butch: an overtly/stereotypically masculine or masculine-acting woman. can be used to denote an individual, or the dominant role in a lesbian relationship. Queer: Re-claimed umbrella term used to describe the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender/Transsexual and general non-heterosexual communities. Queer is the opposite of Straight. [definitions from urbandictionary.com]
Let's see what religion say about homosexuality...
Lev. 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."
Lev. 20:13, "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them"
1 Cor. 6:9-10, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God."
Rom. 1:26-28, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, 27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. 28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."
[retrieved from http://www.carm.org/questions/homosexuality.htm]
Yes, there are a lot of other religions, but I can't find nice excerpts to put up here. Even Buddhism is against homosexuality.
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I've contemplated on turning into a homosexual every now and then. Give thanks to failed relationship with the opposite sex, the behavior of the opposite sex, and all that falls on the same line. Sure, the grass looks greener on the other side.
If you know me well enough, you'd know that I'm a supporter of the homosexual society for quite some time now (6 years, if not mistaken). The way society today look at homosexuals differs from how it was back then. Back then, it almost seemed like a crime to be holding hands with someone of the same sex. People hardly come out of the closet. You see "straight" people everywhere.
Today?
You see girls holding hands. Guys being metrosexual. Butches everywhere. Why? It's cooler that way. Why? The trend says so.
Remember the girl-duo t.A.t.U? They are not lesbians, mind you. It was all an act. And yes, the girls admitted to it. It was purely to catch popularity and gain more fame. It was, by all means, a disappointment to homosexuals as they thought real homosexuals are being so up-front now to display the affection on media. Little did they know it was nothing but a big fat lie.
I enjoy sitting at the streets of Orchard Road and watching girls strolling down hand in hand, or holding onto one another in the train. Lesbianism. I've kissed a couple of girls in my life, and that did not mean I'm lesbian. I've seen girls stark naked in front of me in the shower, and that did not mean I'm lesbian. I get attracted to pretty girls, and that did not mean I'm lesbian. I don't get sexually attracted to girls. I've got no problem kissing girlsc (I am not talking about French-kissing here) or whatsoever, but the thought of going down on a girl, or sticking my finger up their vagina, I've got a bit of a problem with that. (I always get the thought of my fingernail scrapping the soft, moist wall of the vagina) And right now, I bet the "lesbians" they claim to be are going 'eww'. I've got plentiful of real and wannabe lesbian friends. And I get the juiciest of details from them regarding their sex life. Dildos and vibrators and edible thongs plus other items that could possibly be inserted into vagina for pleasure. (ouch... we should talk about the risk of infection, shouldn't we?)
As for gays... I hardly see them around here in Singapore.. mainly because, it's not so easy to spot one. Like most say, it takes one to know one. Gays here are more.... enclosed. They don't want to step out of the closet and let the world know they're gay in fear of discrimination. Well, at least they don't follow the trend. (And I must add on, it is hot to see one guy kissing another)
Let's not include metrosexuals.. Metrosexuals are just really extremely vain, narcissistic males. Ask them what they feel about sucking another man's dick, or getting fucked in the ass, they'll distort their faces till it's unrecognizeable.
Word of note for straight people: Butt/Anal sex and 'doggy' sex is DIFFERENT. The dick penetrates the anus in butt/anal sex. It penetrates the vagina in 'doggy' sex. So guys, if you wanna do 'doggy' with your girls, please, penetrate the right thing, ok? Don't hurt her for no reason. Aim for the right hole. Don't know which one it is? Ask her, she definitely knows unless she's sense-retarded.
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It makes me sit and wonder why people swing the other way. I could think of possible answers, but each story is just so unique.
Anyhow, I salute those homosexuals who has been on it for quite some time, and went through all the discrimination from society in the past up to the point of acceptance now (no, I am not including those who are just calling themselves 'homosexuals' because it seems cooler now).
Homosexuality isn't just about being cool, or trend, or whatever. It is a choice. It is a lifestyle. And people stick to lifestyles. It is a way people want to live their lives. It is the people they are bornt to be: To be attracted to people of the same sex. Their hormones just rages like there's no tomorrow towards the same sex. And yes, we do have got homosexuals who turn into transvestites because that's who they believe they are deep inside. Souls trapped in the wrong bodies. And let them be, because they know themselves better than anyone of you.
Above all: THEY ARE HUMANS TOO.
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Who says the homosexual society in Singapore is close to non-existent?
We just don't see much of them in the open public.
Let's just hope they'll carry the pride flag in them, yeah?
In case you don't know, the pride flag is made up of the 6 rainbow colors: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo. To read more about the pride flag, click HERE.
And another day to remember by would be the Day of Silence, which is normally held in April. To read more regarding it, click HERE.
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Give homosexuals a break, yeah? And there were mentions on allowing gay marriages in Singapore few months back. I'm totally up for it.... but from what I've heard, they are pulling back the idea due to LOTS of distasteful responses from the citizens.
And there you go.... so much for open-mindedness.
the beauty exposed ; 7:02 PM
Sunday, October 5, 2008
My only weekday nights.
Tomorrow's the start of my one and only (I think, and hope) weekday nights. 4 god damned boring nights. And I've never worked with ANY of the permanent weekday night staff before, so this will be quite an experience. And what more, I'll be placed i/c for the 4 nights straight. I could just imagine myself dozing off, creating up imaginary friends, and talking to myself by the end of the last night. And I've only done one round of nights a month ago..... it's gonna be disastrous. That's for ward sister to trust me by placing me there. I dislike nights, really. I just hope this is not one of her nice little trick of slowly putting me as a permanent night staff. It worked with placing me at 'A' side..... but NOT permanent weekday night. NO EFFIN' WAY! I don't wanna be flipping through my roster and seeing my name spread underneath the 'permanent night' roster. I'd kill myself. I hate being a zombie with no life.
Oh boy. I can't wait for Friday. I guess that's how the permanent night staff feels. The long-awaited 3 days off before heading back to work.... all over again.
And of all days, no one is free to hang out tonight, to keep me company till the wee hours. You guys suck.
Anyhow, I've drafted some wacky topics, and has already scheduled them for publishing on a weekly basis or so. So just keep a lookout. And in between those wacky topics, I'll randomly update about life.
