"Just gimme time"

Dear Diary,

Today is a sunny, beautifully warm day. That's what many would say. But to me, today is just another day. It's just like yesterday, and what tomorrow will be like. Another day. I can no longer feel the warmth of the sun upon my skin, can no longer feel the breeze of the wind across my face. I no longer feel, I think. I just feel like a shadow, lingering around wherever I can, trying to survive, trying to not fade away.

The ideas come without me having to ask them to. And they never leave. It'll start with one small idea, and then more will invite themselves into my head. What ideas, you might be asking. Suicidal ideations. It comes as a single thought of cutting. And as we all know, cutting is merely a way to divert my attention, place the pain I have in my chest onto my arms, or anywhere I feel like it, and it's the pain where I am capable of controlling. Diversion is what I need. And that thought of cutting, just a simple cut, lead me to think of slicing my throat, a little bit to the side, slightly deep till it's able to touch the carotid artery. Or maybe my thighs, real deeply, till the femoral artery snaps. Or maybe, just press hard onto the sides of my neck, till my head goes oozy. It gives you a bad headache, makes everything look fuzzy with tiny dots all over. And that fuzzy thought leads me to think about suffocation. About drowning. Putting my head into a pail of water, or maybe, just lie flat on my face, or tie a scarf around my neck, and hang it somewhere, maybe the bar in the toilet. But that wouldn't be such a pretty way to die, would it now? My eyes will be bulging, and my tongue will be rolling out. I don't want everyone to remember me that way during my funeral. If anyone is gonna remember, that is. How about medications? Overdose? I hate the disgusting taste of the stupid bitterness of everything. It just makes you wanna puke. Oh, maybe the highest storey from any building, but then again, I might just end up paralyzed after destroying my spinal cord... I'll be more of a burden to everyone, all over again. Latest trend is to jump into the train track as the train is approaching fast, but I'm gonna be smashed into pieces. What other ways are there?

Being a nurse is such a blessing, yet it is my curse. Medications are everywhere. I could just administer KCl bolus to myself, and I'll be dead in 10seconds. That fast. Painless too. But I still yet to find an alibi who's able to perform IV injections. I could take the controlled drugs, like morphine, for instance, and just overdose on them. I'll be dead by the time anyone realize that it's gone. As I sit here, with a vial of poison, battling with myself on swallowing it. Maybe one vial isn't good enough. So I shall take more, keep it, drink it, till it's enough to kill me. Maybe knowing too much isn't good for me. I have plans, but I have no specific timings. But then again, I don't need a time. Whenever I feel like it's time, I'll just do it. Like for instance, that time in the middle of the night, I just sat there in front of the TV and slowly swallow all the medications I managed to find. Is this my cry for help?

Am I just a self-centred person doing all these? Am I just seeking for attention? Am I just seeking for sympathy? Am I just saying all these to scare all of you? To get all of you turn into lunatics? No. For this is real. I feel like as though I've lived long enough, and I'm so tired, and I just need to rest forever. A night's sleep wouldn't do me any good, neither will 2 nights. Maybe it will help better when it's instilled into you that you're a mistake kid, that you're never meant to be here in the first place. When all everyone wanted was to kill you, to see you dead. I just feel so tired, and all I wanna do is just sleep and never get up to see another day.

I wanna scream. I wanna cry. But I don't wanna do all that alone again. I need someone to dry my tears for me, scream with me, hug me till my heart stops beating. I need someone to place back the warmth in my life, to melt my icy-cold heart. But who would do that? No one. I'm THAT insignificant in the lives of everyone's. Everyone is always too busy for me. Maybe even after I die, it won't even matter to anyone. For it will go unnoticed. Maybe just for a couple of hours, it'll matter, but after that, life moves on like nothing ever happened. Out of sight, out of mind. Who would save me? Who would reach out their hands just to pull me up, when all everyone is doing is keeping their hands to themselves. I'm stuck inside this darkness, and each time I try to walk towards the light leading me out, it gets farther. And neverending. I hear nobody, I feel nobody.

"Love cures everything"

Love. A word so unclear. I'm confused about love, but yet I'm so sure I love someone. And this person has got my heart in his hands. My life. And what's with me and stumbling upon songs that mean alot? Why are they repeating themselves on my mp3 player, even though it's on a shuffle mode? Songs that make me cry, songs that I wish hold the same meaning to someone when that someone listen to it. Songs that I wish will not reflect on my life, my thoughts, my feelings. And why, oh why, dear diary, do my heart jumps each time I see his number appearing on my cellphone? Why do I feel my heart beating faster and slower at the same time whenever I hear his voice? Why do I get butterflies in my stomach each time I'm on the way to meet him? Why do I feel rejuvenated each time after he kisses me? Why do I feel so safe and secured whenever he's hugging me? Why do I feel so at home whenever I'm with him? Why?

That's a question no one can ever answer.

Go see a doctor, people say. But I don't wanna go alone. What's the point of me seeing a psychiatrist when I'm not getting the social support I need? What's the point of curing this disease when the medication to my heart is not there? I understand the fact that I have a career at risk the moment I admit my problem to a doctor. And I don't wanna take that leap alone.

Until then, I might just try to stay alive. For how long more? I don't know. Maybe tonight might just be my last night here. Say your goodbyes, ladies and gentlemen. For tomorrow, I might not be here. My soul died a long time ago, I'm just waiting for my heart to stop beating.