Thursday, November 29, 2007
3rd week.
Let's take a quick look into my life for the past week.
I've been attached to the Fever Zone, and it was pretty awesome. The staffs were so nice, and they really gives me tons of opportunities to do stuff. So I've been setting up drips, doing hypocounts, and of course, ECGs. One SSN labelled me as the ECG Queen, cuz whenever I'm around, there's always sticky labels on my sleeves which are due for ECG. I also managed to learn how to despatch blood, and serve oral meds. I did a last office today, and it's pretty sad. ): There you go.
I've already pack my stuff for tomorrow. Won't be home from Friday evening till Sunday evening.
-sigh-
I just wish he knew.
I just wish I'm not a KIV girlfriend.
I never wanted to hurt more than it
should.
I hope you're satisfied, I never
could.
He told me yesterday that his dragon tattoo brought him bad luck.
And the swallows & a heart tattoo might be the reason why things are so unstable now. It's a superstitious belief amongst tattooed people that if you were to get a tattoo representing your other half, you'll break up with him/her soon. But that tattoo not only represent me, but it represent him as well. He told me he hopes that by the time the tattoo finishes, his heart will stop fluttering and be clear. I'm just so scared.
-sigh-
He might be getting me a star on my birthday.
Anyhow, for his birthday, I bought him a Grover (sesame street) soft toy cuz I couldnt really find a nice baby Bugs. I also got him a handphone-chain which I sprayed my perfume all over, and a birthday card.
My mom thinks I'm like dating Kenny now since I'm like always out with him.
Gah.
9 weeks more to go.
one month is almost down.
the beauty exposed ; 5:49 PM
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thanksgiving. A belated one.
So yesterday's thankgiving dinner was fun.
We had chicken instead of turkey.
And Kenny was like "That's not a turkey! Derek! I want a fucking turkey!"
Spoilt brat.
Anyhow, fuck life.
I'm getting sick of it.
I've been having this left-sided chest pains since few days ago, and I'm still considering if I should go to a doctor to get it checked out.
My appetite has gone from bad to worst.
I'm slightly tachycardic.
And Cass told me it could be a broken heart syndrome. Or worst, a real heart problem.
Tony has got to make up his mind soon.
I'm gonna give him time, while I hang by a thread.
Each time he meet up with his ex, he gets confused and doesn't know what he wants.
Each time he meet up with me, he gets his head clear, and certain abut what he wants.
-Sigh-
I am not gonna be broken again.
Cuz if I do, trust me, you'll find me as a patient in SGH A&E, instead of a nurse.
the beauty exposed ; 11:18 AM
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Another weekend.
Another weekend with lots of stories to relate.
This entire week, I was located in Triage. Saw all the funny cases: from enlarges testes, to false pregnancy, to fractures. People actually bother coming in, pretend to make themselves sound so serious and get long long MCs. Bleahx. Get a life. Good thing is that, my colleagues for the week are all pretty nice. Really made me feel belonged in the area. But some of the doctors are fucks.
Wednesday: Went out to Tony after work. Watched Beowulf with him. Pretty graphical movie (duh). Full of action. Go watch if you like animation. Anyhow, after the movie, went down to Clarke Quay. Sat by the river, shared ice cream, and talked. It was a real pretty scene. Like from the movies. A guy and a girl by the river, with a cool breeze, and there was a busker singing behind.
Me: What if I jumped into the river.... what will you do?
Him: I will jump in to save you.
He brought me to the Bedroom Bar, and I had one pint of Hoegaarden, while he had two. I was tipsy after the pint. We just talked, shared how we feel, what's gonna happen and stuff. After that, we walked to Raffles, took the train from there, and he sent me home. He kissed me goodnight before I entered my house.
Thursday: Work. Somewhere in the evening, after I had my dinner, Tony called. Ran to the toilet to talk to him. He told me he's out drinking with his ex, and he just had 5 pints of Hoegaarden, and feeling tipsy. We spoke a while, him pouring out his feelings.
Him: I'm a bit tipsy... I'm really sorry to put you through all the pain in the past month. I wish I could take it back.
Me: No one can turn back time. We just have to look forward.
Him: I know, and I want to make things right. I love you.
Me: Oh.....
Him: I wish things could be like before.
Me: Me too.
Him: I love you so much. I'm so sorry.
Me: (silent)
After work, he called me again for a short while. Then he messaged me the sweetest thing ever.
Oh, oh.. I saw active resuscitation. But it failed. I was in tears, just seeing the whole situation. It really knocked into my head that life is so so so so so short.
Friday: Work. Tea break, I had to have my day ruined. I told Tony that I wanna meet up with him on Saturday and Sunday, to celebrate his birthday in advance. Probably hang out the entire night, and head home Sunday late afternoon or something. But then, he messaged me, told me he's meeting his ex on Sunday instead. I was too lazy and pissed, so I called him.
Me: What the fuck am I to you? Am I your spare part?
Him: No.
Me: Are you sure I'm not your spare part? That if you can't have her, you'll come back to me. Then if you can't have me, you'll go back to her
Him: No.
Me: Then what am I?
Him: I want you to be my girlfriend.
Me: Then she gotta know that. How long are you gonna hide it from her?
Him: I don't know
Me: Then what's the point?
Him: I can't take the pressure from both sides. I really can't. I'm so sorry
Me: I am not gonna force you into anything. You think about it. Be a man about this.
End work. I called him to just see if he was doing ok after the sudden outburst. He refused to talk, and we hung up after a few exchanges of words. About half an hour later, he called.
Him: I asked her if I was misleading her. And she said yes. She was hoping to get back together since we're always hanging out.
Me: Then?
Him: I told her that she's wrong, that I just want to be a good buddy like we were in the past before all this happens.
Me: Mmmhmm.
Him: I asked her if she will still be a friend if I were to get back with you
Me: And her reply is?
Him: Still yet to know what's her reply.
Me: I know friendship is important. And it's not right to cut off a friendship just because of a relationship. But neither is it right to end a relationship just because of a friend. Make up your mind and prioritize.
Him: I know. But I wish things were like before.
Me: Me too. I wish things will be ok.
Then we talked about some other crap. And he told me to hang out with him the whole night next week. So yeah.
Today: He messaged me: She told me that she needs help to get along, as she is trying to get up.
My reply: Give her the best support you can if she needs it.
Seriously, I am just... idk. I just don't wanna think about it. I'll be seeing him tomorrow, and he told me if it's ok with me if he were to meet up with his ex on Monday since she wants company for her tattoo session. I was like 'sure, I understand'. I'll just see how tomorrow goes... how the week goes..
Anyhow, I know I've no time to update.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Off I go to meet K-Anorexic, Kriz and Derek for early thanksgiving dinner.
the beauty exposed ; 3:09 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Saturday hearts.
Wtf. I'm sick. Coming down with flu. Now, that's what happen when you're being attached to the fever zone for 2 days... and more to come. I'm seriously coming down with flu. I've taken meds tho, hoping I'll be fine by tomorrow, cuz this is not a way to spend my weekends.
Cassidy-darling is back in Aust. Miss her loads.
Derek-darling is coming down. Can't wait.
Well well.. today was a pretty interesting day.
Of course it's interesting.. Met up with my ex. What a day.
I know where he's coming from... and what he's planning to do.
He's asking me out for a movie on Wednesday. Dinner on Friday after work my work, and befor his work. Movie on Dec 1 for Enchanted, and another movie date for Tattooist. Told me to celebrate his birthday with him. Suddenly, his world revolved around me... again.
Tried Hoegaarden beer && Erdinger beer. Omfg, it tastes so darn good. It's a pretty expensive beer, tho. But really, it's nice. I was like targetting the Green Apple vodka, but then again, I'm allergic to apples. No, I didn't get high. I drank like... half a cup for each. I'm a bad bad drinker. The last time I had a full glass of Scotch (neat), I got really high, and was puking and got a hangover. So if you wanna bring me out to a bar/clubs, I mainly take mixes. Take note.
11 more weeks to end of PRCP.
Woot! Permanent weekends off.
No preceptor. ):
And thank goodness the peeps in ED are nice.
the beauty exposed ; 11:33 PM
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Misery Business.
This song popped in my head. And I wonder when I can scream it out loud. (The words in bracket are my add-on opinions)
"Misery Business"
I'm in the business of misery,
Let's take it from the top.
She's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock. (yeah right. more like a watermelon)
It's a matter of time before we all run out,
When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.
I waited eight long months, (well, shorter than 8 months)
She finally set him free. (she didn't. he gave up)
I told him I can't lie he was the only one for me. (well, i used to tell him, now i'm too tired)
Two weeks and we had caught on fire,
She's got it out for me,
But I wear the biggest smile.
[Chorus:]
Whoa, I never meant to brag
But, I got him where I want him now.
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now.
But god does it feel so good,
Cause I got him where I want him now.
And if you could then you know you would.
Cause god it just feels so...
It just feels so good.
Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change. (damn right bitch)
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged.
I'm sorry honey, but I'm passing up, now look this way.
Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you.
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who,
They want and what they like it's easy if you do it right.
Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!
Whoa, I never meant to brag
But, I got him where I want him now.
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now.
But god does it feel so good,
Cause I got him where I want him right now.
And if you could then you know you would.
Cause god it just feels so...
It just feels so good.
I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving.
Whoa, I never meant to brag,
But I got him where I want him now.
Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now.
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now.
But god does it feel so good,
Cause I got him where I want him now.
And if you could then you know you would.
Cause god it just feels so...
It just feels so good.
__________________________________________
Long story.
Yesterday, during lectures, Tony kept on calling and texting me.
Met up with him in the evening at Westmall, about 7pm or so.
He looked kinda different. Gained weight. And he commented some nice things about how I looked.
He looked rather... excited to see me. We booked tix for Stardust cuz I told him it's such a nice movie, and I just wanna watch it again. If you've watched the movie and listened carefully, you'll understand why I made him watch that movie.
Went for a quick bite at McDonald's. Shared a meal. He complained to me about his gf. And told me he can't take it anymore. I told him to hang in there, and don't stress out. There's no point stressing out, it's just gonna give him a bad headache, and bring his immune system down.
Went for a smoke. Talked about some crap. Fastforward.
Movie. Midway through the movie, he kept leaning his head close to mine. He founded excuses to whisper to me. Asked me if I was cold, and honestly, I was. Took my hand, warmed it. And never let go. Till the end of the movie. He became really quiet at some points of the movie...
"I mean, everlasting life? I imagine it would be kind of lonely. Well, maybe if you had someone to share it with. Someone you loved. Then it might be different."
"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. ... when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say is... I think I love you. Is this love? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine. "
Movie ended. Walked out in silence. At the escalator, he stood in front of me, and just stared at me for a whole second. I just ignored. Went for another smoke, walked to the station. Last trains are coming. Rushed. Got into the train. I leaned by the glass panel. He stood in front of me. And just hugged me. Told me he can't take it anymore. I had nothing to say.
Sent me back home. All the way to my doorstep. Hugged me tight. Looked me so hard in the eyes, and said 'I'll see you again... soon'
End of part 1.
Today.
He texted me. Told me that he texted his gf saying that he wanna be alone. She texted back, wanted to talk it out. He told me about it. And all I had to say was 'You're your own individual that makes your own decision'. After some while, he texted back. Told me 'You're right. My confusion's clearing up and I'm glad I smsed her the hardest thing.... I know what I want, especially after last night'. I told him to like take a month break, be alone, think through things. He said he will, but it'll be unfair to me and stuff. So well..
End of part 2.
Now, things are gonna change. For better or for worst.
Now's left with my own capabilities. One thing I've learn: Never be possessive. Never be so obsessed.
the beauty exposed ; 5:59 PM
Friday, November 9, 2007
Solitary.
Sometimes, solitary is the best thing.
Just being alone to reminisce all the times: good and bad.
Sometimes, living in the past don't mean you're in denial.
You're just not willing to let it go.
You're not willing to look ahead.
For I live in the depths of yesterday, even though I am here today.
Smiles and laughter... Are they all a mask for vanity? Maybe.
[[hearts]] Kenny-Anorexic-Kendrick.
I understand that you wanna make me see the beautiful things in life. And I know that I am one stubborn brat. Thanks so much for not giving up. There's so many things I didn't know about you till recently. I didn't know how much love and care you have got in you. Oh, neither did I know you're such a pervert too. Oh well, we're all perverts. I love the fact that you're a perv. Whatever happens, we'll be BFFs for life. Whatever happens, I love you, and I know you do too. Always && Forever.
Cass : I am gonna miss you while you're gone till 2008. Come back for my birthday ok? We'll drink again at K's. Oh, don't forget to get me a present.. Remember, I want a rainbow belt. Or anything rainbow. I know Aust has loads of shit.
Kriz : I adore you. We shall share K-Anorexic till whenever we can. And no, I'm not letting you go home. Gonna hide you under my bed. xoxox.
We shall all mark ourselves with a barcode tattoo with the word 'Priceless' underneath and imprint 'Fake Vanity' on our chests.
the beauty exposed ; 8:09 PM
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Thursday.
Last night, I woke up with a startle at around 3am.
And then, a message came in. It was Tony.
Trust me, I'm psychic. XD
He was just complaining to me about his girlfriend and shit.
Texted for about 30mins, trying to calm him down.
Finally slept at 4am.
Woke up at 10am.
Message from Kenny-Anorexic. Telling me to get my hair layered.
And reminder about the drinking at his place tomorrow.
Got online at 11am.
Did my usual routine: VF, MySpace, Hotmail, Facebook, Yahoo.
At 1pm, Tony IMed me. Excitedly telling me about his podcast interview. Told me to watch it. It was in Mandarin, so I couldn't understand. But I told him that I'm proud of him. And he told me some stuff which I don't wanna put up here. [[I'll talk to you about this K]]
He was like asking me why I've never used the stockings he bought for me. And I told him that if he uses something stripey, I'll wear it the next time I meet him.
He could've met me yesterday or today. But his reason for not meeting up are: Wednesday - Gotta meet agent in the afternoon. Need to accompany Agnes in the evening. Thursday - tattoo appointment at 4pm.
He could just have met me for like 2 hours to pass me my stuff... Yet nope. Told me that he'll meet me in 2weeks when he's more free.
Krystal was telling me some really nice things on MSN just now. She's just too sweet.
Went to Rania's house for Deepavali celebration. Ooh, damn, the food was nice. Totally yummy. Went to play with sparklers and party poppers like small kids. Seriously, I have got a phobia about those stuff. But hey, it's fun once in a while. Well, guess the next time we're all meeting up is in 3 months time... After the end of our PRCP. We shall all hang out again like old times.
-right-
[[pics will be added on a later post when blogger isn't so retarded]]
Kenny-Anorexic : I forgot to tell you. I adopted your last name for my Facebook. Don't kill me.
the beauty exposed ; 11:58 PM
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Back at home. (:
Hee.
Watched Stardust.
Loved it so much! Especially when I'm with Kenny-Anorexic.
Kenny was like sitting in between me and Kriz, and we're both like sharing him, people were all staring at us. It's so weird. Imagine 3 idiots, 2 guys and a girl, holding hands together at some point. Other than that, Kriz stepped back with a smile... Altho I know that smile is a fake.
Watched the Ginger Snap trilogy. Boring like fuck. Seriously, I could've fallen asleep if not for Kriz and his stupid jokes about the movie.
Tony told me to watch Tell Me You Love Me.. A TV series.. About intimate relationship. So Kenny and I watched it... And omg.. the amount of sex in the show.. is just wow. Serious sex, not porn shit. Total nudity. I could have sworn Kenny's eyes almost popped out and glued itself to the screen.
I really don't know what else to update on. Out of things.
Omg, Cassidy is going home ): for thanksgiving with her family. She's gonna be gone like... 2 to 3 whole months. Gonna miss that bitch. She's always MIA.
And I can't wait for Derek to come back here! Whhheeee!
Love my Kendrick-Anorexic.
Still hung up over my ex.
Ugh.
"What do stars do best? They shine."
I'm a star that has stopped glowing, but slowly shining back again.
the beauty exposed ; 7:29 PM
Morning update while I'm at Kenny's.
He's busy doing something in his room, and I'm all alone now.
Waiting for the grand arrival of Kriz. Lawl.
Since Kriz knows the whole story.. it's safe to place it up..
Love my Kenny-Anorexic.
I'm gonna try.
Hee.. more cam-whoring today. ^_^
the beauty exposed ; 11:45 AM
Monday, November 5, 2007
Monday.
I'm having the shit Monday blues.
But heck.
Kenny && I have made this vow... to be anorexic together.
So what did we do today?
Cam-whoring!
He's my model, and I'm his photographer.
[Pictures at the end of this post]
We watched movies: The Island && But I'm A Cheerleader.
But I'm a Cheerleader is a damn funny movie. And Kenny had to like get horny during the movie, all thanks to lesbians making out. (You're a bloody fag, remember that)
He mixed some stuff for me to drink, it was awesome. (Whatever you put inside, just make sure there wasn't drugs)
And KFC! Despite our anorexic vow. (Pancakes tomorrow morning!!!!)
Too bad Kriz couldn't join the fun. ): Miss that guy. But he sent me a stupid picture of him.
And his little message was: 'Look at my shirt!! Don't miss me too much. Have fun with K. xoxo'
Ass. I want that shirt. He has everything I want. Rainbow belt, nice shirts && hoodies.. ):
My Kenny. I love his hair -jealous-. He's got like one of the softest and nicest hair I've ever touched. Hehe, my Kenny-Anorexic. Btw, this pic was taken outside his house. He wanted the emo shot.
Proudly editted by Kenny. We tried "glue"-sniffing. It was more like... nail-polish sniffing. It gives you a headache, so be warned about trying it. Anyhow, that stupid shirt with that stupid design on it costs almost 60bucks. And he wears it at home. -_-'' Tell me how to not hate him.
He hasn't sent me the rest of the pictures I've taken cuz he wanted to edit them all, make it look nice and whatever. Mehh, I hate him. He's got the Cybershot cam. I want it ): Give it to me when you're getting a new one, okies.
Anyhow, let's hope for a better tomorrow Kenny-Anorexic.
And I'm not meeting Tony this entire month, or I think so. I think I'll be meeting him in like 2 weeks or whatever to talk things out. I give up.
CT-Anorexic loves Kenny-Anorexic.
Thanks for the super awesome rainbow-ish day. Let's cuddle up and do a movie marathon again.
the beauty exposed ; 6:37 PM
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Explosion.
I'm still waiting for my time to run out. And it is running out.
I'm turning anorexic. Surviving on just a few spoonfuls of food for the entire day. And I honestly feel full. Just no appetite.
I'm having funny dreams. And I wish I never have to wake up from those beautiful dreams. Just me and him.
New skin. To reflect how I am honestly feeling.
Kenny - I understand. It's ok. I'm just sorry for not loving you that way.
the beauty exposed ; 1:50 PM
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Vacation wk.
Here comes my one week of well-deserved vacation.
I need it.
I don't know what I'm gonna be doing tho.
Prolly gonna spend the week with Kenny and Kriz.
Just so lost now.
I was always known as the girl who never gets lost or confused.
But for the past month, I'm lost.
And never found my way out.
I'm just waiting for the time to run out.
I miss him.
Ugh.
I know I should be like all over him now.
But I miss him.
The reason I'm still lingering is because
I love him.
Still.
And he knows.
the beauty exposed ; 11:03 AM
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Dept of Emer. Med.
Tomorrow's my last day at ED. For this week, that is.
And I'm loving it.
Totally.
Idk yet if I'm blessed to be posted to ED for 3 months.
I love the staff there. Friendly, approachable, and no matter how dumb I can get, they still have their patience.
Yes, it's damn tiring.
Pushing trolleys here and there, getting scolded by patients because they waited so darn long, and reassuring worried relatives.
And yes, the pace is going a little too fast for me, and I always fall back behind.
But I try. As annoying as it is, I'll try.
And now, I'm turning into an ECG expert.
-cross fingers- I hope all will go well.
Saw the most goodlooking doctor yesterday and today. I swear I could melt. He looks like a carbon copy of Keanu Reeves. Damn goodlooking. My motivation to work in ED. XD
Saw a goodlooking radiographer and MO. Some more motivation. -lmao-
"So, where are you working now?" - people who ask me
"I'm working in the department of emergency medicine" - me
[Sounds so wow, right?]
Few days time, I get to meet up with him. He bought me something from his Thailand trip. I'm just so shaken up thinking about it. Millions of questions are running through my head. Just when I gave my entire heart to him, he had to crush it. I'm just still so scared. Idk when I get to meet him, but I know it's soon. Somewhere in this coming week. He told me he'll contact me again to let me know. And he told me that he wanna know what emotions will run through him when he see me again after so long. That sentence hurts. But as it is, I'm still living in the depths of yesterday. Skipping through the month of October. As if I was never there. In fact, I wasn't there. Emotionally, mentally, I'm gone.
Kenny - Some help needed. I just had the weirdest thought. You can kill me for it later. But you need to hear me out. Text/call me when you see this. I am not gonna text you. Sick of doing that.
the beauty exposed ; 6:18 PM
