You made that choice of leaving Clare 8 years ago.
You made that choice of leaving Amanda a few months back.
You made that choice of leaving Patty (I don't know when).
You made that choice of wanting to be with me, in hopes of making me happy.
I never for once even forced you to return.
You returned at your own accord.
So why do you have to lie to me now?
Why do you have to boast about all those girls you left and ignored?
Why do you have to remind me every single day that there are other girls waiting for you, leering at you?
I know I am out of your league. I believe I've said that before.
And I am sure you are mature enough to make your own choice.
I am not asking you for anything.
I am not asking you to marry me tomorrow.
There is no deadline to my love for you.
All I want is for you to look me in the eye, and tell me the truth.
But I am appalled that you are capable of looking at me in the eye and lie.
To my face.
I will play along.
Play this game of yours.
Until I uncover the truths. And I know how much it scares you about the snowball effect I tend to have... but do I have a choice? Each time I try to bring something up for justification, you get defensive. So I might as well collate everything, and shoot you down.
I will play along. I will make you drop to your knees.
I can make a pretty good liar, a very good actor.
Trust me.
You will regret this.
the beauty exposed ; 12:51 PM
Monday, March 26, 2012
It's a brand new week.
I had the most insane weekend ever.
And when I say insane, let's not interpret it into a fun-filled weekend. It was fun at some point, but disastrous at most points.
Let's just say I had a rude welcome to the weekend... it started out fine, until things started becoming chaotic. Enough said, I just want to keep instilling the point that I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly, and would be greatly upset if he knew the entire truth. As of now, he knows the partial truth, and he's already not taking it so well.
However so, I did have a rather good Saturday with him, with both of us passing out cold on the couch together at 1am. I had a rather good bitching Sunday evening with him as well, and I guess that's where everything we both had hidden came out.
Not everything though. Of course I did not bitch about the fact that I still suspect him of hiding something away from me. He's already pissed enough about my late Friday night activity, and trust me, he was yelling at me throughout. But that's not the case in point. He wasn't so much as angry with me, as he was angry at my family. Now I know the grudges he actually kept inside for all these years. It was unbelievable. He kept emphasizing the fact that he wants to be married to me, and not my family... and that if I choose to get married to him, I might have to cut family off - not entirely, but there's a certain limit to things. He said he will not treat my family with exception, or anything special, and that the reason he would actually be nice to them is because of me, because he so badly wants me with him. He said, if not for me, he won't even bother lifting a finger. He kept repeating he had enough of seeing me growing up like a rogue kid, and that for once, I need stability in my life. Ironic, I must say... since there is no such stability in his either.
He mentioned he so badly wants to take me away from my personal hell, but he said I might need some time for readjustments. And about readjustments, I told him I might need a longer window period before settling the idea of being married, and moving permanently. I told him to give me a window period of up to 4 years, and that in this 4 years, I have so many things to do - save up for my own financial backup, clear up my credit debts, make peace with my family.
I have 4 years to do all that, and also 4 years to find out the truth about him. But I don't think I want to take my own time about seeking the truth... because like I said, I do not want to be in too deep... the longer I take, the harder it is eventually.
He prefers me moving out of my house, and staying on my own, or staying in with him while he's here. As much as I would love to, there's so many financial constraints - which I finally spoke to him about in details. I rejected all of his offers to help me now, because I do not want money to be an issue with us at the moment. I do not want to be like I'm in debt to him at this point of time.. that usually creates bigger problem, than it is a solution.
As much as I would like to run away right now, and be with him... there's so many bridges I need to cross to get to the other side: -
- Family. I need to make peace with my family. I don't wish to leave on a sour note.
- Housing. As selfish as I may be, I would like to see my family properly sheltered before leaving permanently.
- Credit debts. I need to clear this off within this 2 years, and cancel off all my cards. Credit cards are truly evil, trust me.
- Savings. I busted all my savings when I went unemployed for 2 months. I need to grow it back up. For moving, and for emergency.
- Him. I need to figure him out before anything else. He is the main issue here, actually. He is the main bridge I need to cross over. If I am certain about him, then I could hurry my ass up and conquer the rest. If he is not for real, then I will take my own time, and end things with him. Things could go so many ways from here on.
He helped me break down my finances as best as I can manage, even told me to actually find a job which pays more than what I'm getting currently. I don't know. I don't exactly love this job, and I'm getting sick of my boss reprimanding me over everything.
Life is such a disaster.
the beauty exposed ; 9:56 AM
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Forlorn; forsaken.
I think lately I had a series of fluctuating emotions... And despite claiming not knowing what it is about, I think I lied about that part.
This feeling has been gnawing at me for the longest time. But I am determined to really seek the truth before I pursue the matter.
You know how sometimes you just get this gut feeling inside which you just can't explain... and no matter how much you try to console yourself or talk yourself out of it, it keeps coming back even twice as strong? Where you have no other choice but to trust yourself?
I guess I just really missed him that much to dismiss those feelings, and now it's here full-blown. I cannot shake it away, no matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself. I know deep inside he is not providing me with the entire truth, but I don't know what it is he's lying to me about. And I am determined to find out. As of right now, he thinks I am still clueless, when in fact, I am just playing along with him. I will keep on playing along until I gather enough evidence to use it against him - that's when I will bring him down and shut him up. I would very much like to hear his side of the story - why he had to lie to me and all. I really am not sure what about, really... but I know he is hiding and/or lying to me.
And because of this doubt I'm having, I thought best would be to delay the wedding a little bit. I do not want to get married and regret it for the rest of my life later on. Until I seek the truth, I will keep on delaying. I love him, there's no denying that... but how long more can I take before I go permanently insane? Just because he resides halfway across the world from me doesn't mean I'm helpless like fuck. I am not as stupid as I was from 6 years ago. I don't really know how I am going to do this, but I know for a fact that the easiest way is to actually go to NY when he least expects me to. I realized his trend of only wanting me to go to NY with him informed prior so that he could "accompany" my visit there. So my plan is to save up 5K as soon as I can, fly there, and come back. The latest target is August 2013 (I know that's like a year away, and I might be in too deep by then, but I am willing to take the risk). And maybe even vacation there for a week if I have got time.
From now till then, I will collate all that he's telling me, and seek it out one by one, and with that, bring him down. I cannot tolerate bullshit, especially lies. If it's a white lie, I will look past it... But something is telling me this isn't just your ordinary white lie. It's something bigger than that.
I'm appalled at how he can look me in the eye and lie flat out to me. It breaks my heart seeing him every time. When I see him sleep next to me... I wonder to myself, "How can you sleep at night after a day of lying to someone you claim to love and would die for?" My heart breaks each time I look at his face.
Can someone donate me 2K now just to fly myself to NY and return?
Now I wish I didn't max out my credit cards. I hope to pay off my cards by end 2012 so that I could use it again in April 2013 to expedite my enlightenment. Ha!
There's just so much a lie a person can take. And this time, I'm buying none of his bullshit. I want to know what, and why. And who are the other people involved in this entire story plot.
As of now, I will play along in his game, smile, and act like the unknowing girlfriend who knows shit... I will do so until I cannot take it any longer. Yes, this is the snowball effect. I will eventually explode - just like how I did 6 years ago... But thing is, back then I didn't have concrete proof, and he managed to make me look like the bad person. This time round, I am determined to make him look like the bad one.
But don't get me wrong... I do love him. I just want to know why he will go to such extremes.
As he is feeding me with lies, I am doing my background checks and cross-referencing.
I know nobody's perfect. I loved him despite the fact that he did horrible things to people before. I should probably just look past this... but I can't. Not when my heart is on the line.
the beauty exposed ; 9:20 AM
Friday, March 16, 2012
An emotional turmoil
So recently, I have discovered something majorly shocking.
I was told that Jake has been secretly doing wedding preparations behind my back. As to date, as far as I know, he has got floral arrangements almost settled (he asked if I liked orchids, so I presume orchids are the flowers for the wedding), he has a list of caterers to review (food-tasting!), he has a tailor on hand (custom-made suit and dress), and he even has got in contact with a jeweller to custom-make the wedding bands. I was informed that custom-made wedding bands will take at least 8 months to get ready to perfection, but it will depends on how choosy the person is. Jake tried to discreetly gauge the size of my finger (again... He must have lost the first measurement he took a few months back). And he even got in contact with a printing company already (for invitation cards).
And all that preparations are without my knowledge.
I'm not sure if I should be delighted after finding all that out... or upset.
Delighted because here's a man who is pulling together a wedding alone, and trying his best to turn it into my dream wedding, and surprise me with it. Upset because I would love to have a say in it as well... It takes two people to have a wedding, correct?
If it was my choice, I would rather have calla lillies as opposed to orchids. Or maybe even both! I would like to know how my band will look like (I love simple rose gold rings, or white gold with subtle diamonds), because I will be wearing it for the longest time on my finger. I would like to know what food is being catered at my own wedding, and what is written on the invitation cards, the color, the font... What if he printed out too much cards? Or too little? What about the caterer? What if it's too much food? Or too little? He hasn't sat down with me to list down the guests list even.
I really am not sure how long he is going to keep hiding this... But I am just going to play along and act dumb. I'm sure he has a good reason to surprise me, and oh, trust me, I will still be surprised. His brother told me that the tentative date is probably in 8 months if the bands are ready by then... But he said not to put my hopes up too much in case it got delayed. Even his brother doesn't know what the heck is going on. Eventually, he would have to let me know because it will be ODD if a tailor just came up suddenly and start taking my measurements. And a custom-made dress will take months to get ready, I presume...
Usually, wedding preparations are made 12-16 months before the wedding date itself... No one will make preparations if the wedding is not confirmed, or if it's 24 months from now, right? Because I'm sure no florist or caterer will entertain such an advance booking. I am kinda freaking out right now, because I do not want it to be like "Will you marry me?" and then fly me to the states, and get married the next day. I will need time for it to sink it that I'm engaged, and getting married... Not all in one day. I will probably faint on the spot, or get an anxiety attack at my own wedding (remember Bella having this attack at hers?).
Oh! Almost forgot, he would need to tell me because I would need to pick out my bridesmaids! And my bridesmaids would need dresses as well! And he needs to pick out his best man! Unless he's choosing all that for me... Or probably went behind my back and made arrangements with my side of the family without me knowing...
I'm gonna be suspicious for a really long time now...
Eventually I think I will probably let it go and forget if it's not talked about much.
I really am not sure why he is rushing it... a part of me is excited that he is rushing into marriage, because I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, and start a family with him (it has always been my dream since I was 14 years old to be married to him... Imagine that!). Another part of me is scared... because marriage would spell the end of my carefree, single life... No more partying hard, no more single lifestyle...
I guess when dreams are turning into reality... it actually is rather scary... I never thought I'd have the jitters thinking about weddings and marriage and starting a family of my own. I've always wanted a knight in shining armor, and a fairytale wedding. I hope this is it.
the beauty exposed ; 8:40 AM
Monday, March 12, 2012
Let's count the number of times...
Up till date, he has proposed 4 times to me... all on separate occasions.
I can tell he is not going to give it up.
#1:
It was so sudden... He just popped the question over a TV dinner (at his place), and I was concentrating so hard on the TV series (we had Supernatural on). And out of the blue, he just took my hand, and asked "Will you marry me?".
I was shocked for words, and it took me some time to come up with a response... And the best I came up with was "What?". And he asked again, thinking I didn't hear him the first time, but this time, he added "Will you marry me next year, say March?". And my immediate reply was "So soon?". Trust me, that reply shattered him, or at least, from his face, I got the feeling he was rather devastated. He then proceed to ask "What is it that you are unsure about? Are you unsure about me? Don't you want a life with me?". I cleared things up, telling him that it was very sudden and shocking, and my response was inappropriate and all... And that yes, of course I do want to marry him, but I didn't think it was as soon as next year.
He just kept quiet and said he will ask again, and hope for no hesitation in my response.
#2:
We had a date at Upper Seletar Reservoir, and he offered to hold my hand while I walk the side of the cliff, on the platform separating the walkway and the rocky cliffs to the reservoir. Midway, while walking, and talking, he casually just asked "Will you marry me?". I swear my heart leaped, and I stumbled my steps a bit, and almost fell. Thankfully, he was holding me tight and pulled me. Again, hesitated with my reply "Erm... yeah, I'll marry you".
Really? I have no idea why I hesitated at my reply. He took that (again) as an uncertainty, and he said he will ask again.
#3:
Over a text message, which took me 5 minutes to reply. HAHA.
I just got home, like barely 10minutes, and he dropped me a text saying he's already missing me. I replied that I missed him as well, and I wish there was more time together, and he went on "Marry me, and we can have all the time we want together".
It took me 5 minutes to reply "I'll marry you in a heartbeat".
So much for "in a heartbeat" when it took me 5 minutes to process that reply.
He just said "I wish. It's okay, I'll try again". I think he got the 5 minutes lag in response... I could blame it on the reception.. but what the heck, right?
#4:
Over a Skype chat. We were rambling about random stuffs, and he was asking me when would be a good time to talk to my family (we had a history together, remember? My family knows him, and my mom disliked him due to some issues towards the end of my relationship with him), and he was like "I wanna get the 'hellos' done and over with" and I was telling him it will be alright and stuffs, and he was like "I wanna marry you, I wanna get you a ring next year" etc... And my reply (thankfully for an instant reply, took me a minute to type it out) "I will be more than glad to be married to you... but no rush, really". His reply was "(sad face). I wanna rush it. I wanna settle that open door and shut it once and for all". So he said, he will meet my family, say his 'hellos' to them, and ask for my hand in marriage. He said he will try to clarify whatever issues there are to clarify there and then.
He wants to rush it to next year, which he say is the earliest he can push it to...
His estimated time is 1 to 2 years... but I will leave it to him to decide. I'm just gonna go with the flow...
4 proposals over a period of a month or so.
Desperation? Or madly in love?
He said he doesn't want to lose me ever again, and he feels like marriage will resolve his fear.
But I have my own fear: He left his ex-wife for me. Now, will he leave me for another after marriage?
He claimed that his love for me is eternal, true, forever.
But the only way I can find out is to live through it, right?
Only time will tell.
the beauty exposed ; 11:01 AM
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Haunted.
As usual, life is not all sunshines and rainbows. I kinda am getting a hang of that... Things are never completed until I shed a tear, or feel like as though I've been ripped apart, or turned inside out.
I got the hardest verbal slap today... Something I actually never saw coming.. Something very least expected.. I had no idea how to react or respond to it, but all I know was silent tears streaming down my eyes. I had to swallow down my tears, the lumps caught in my throat, and keep my voice steady before saying a word. It's not about being portrayed as weak, but rather I do not want him to know how much his words cut me.
It's almost like rubbing salt to a fresh wound.
It shouldn't be much of a surprise for me, but I was wrong... When I heard him, his choice of spiteful words, I was in so much shock. Shocked to the fact that after all this while, he never actually forgave me for what I did 6 years ago. Forgetting is definitely out of the question. I was shocked the amount of grudge he kept in him, the spite he has in him... And yet after slashing me over and over, he uttered 'I love you to death', just as how someone would rub salt to open wounds. That made me felt even much more worst...
Now I don't know if this is his way of getting back at me... Rip me apart just as how I ripped him back then. Flat out, he told me that he has trust issues with me. He even said he's unsure if it's truly love I have for him, or if it is just another one of my disposable tirades.
I was caught speechless throughout the 2-odd-hours of conversation.. He kept apologizing at the end of it, claiming he doesn't know why he's feeling this way, and that he loves me through it all.
I wish I could just console myself and tell myself it is just the PTSD talking... But it was too much of a slap to brush it off.. How am I to live knowing the person I love is holding a grudge against me. He said his love for me is true, eternal, that he will never cheat on me, and that he meant forever with me. But how could all that be true when he will always have that grudge lurking inside him?
Truth be told, he doesn't want me attending baby showers or weddings, in fear that I might despise him after a while for not being able to wed me as soon as I want him to, or give me a child.
I am very upset. Disheartened. But I can never tell him how I truly feel. Can never bring myself to do that... I will always swallow whatever that is shoved down my throat. He has no idea how hurtful his words were. Yes, I admit that I made a mistake walking out on him 6 years ago, and having a chain of regrets after... But I never want to do that again.
Not until I am forced to my very last drop of blood. My patience is wearing thin. My sanity is slowly creeping away from me. If you can't stand the idea of looking past my mistakes, then please, don't love me at all.
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the beauty exposed ; 6:55 PM
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
This is the NEW shit
Marilyn Mansion is the shit.
"Babblebabble bitch bitch
Rebel rebel party party
Sex sex sex and don't forget theviolence
Blah blah blah got yourlovey-dovey sad-and-lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in:
Everybody sing along,
Are you motherfuckers ready
For the new shit?
Stand up and admit,
tomorrow's never coming.
This is the new shit.
Stand up and admit.
Do we get it?No.
Do we want it?Yeah.
This is the new shit,
Stand up and admit."
the beauty exposed ; 9:49 AM
Monday, March 5, 2012
And it's March already...
It's already the month of March... The third month of 2012, and we are now left with 9 months to go before 1) the end of the world, or 2) to 2013. I'd rather the latter, honestly. I feel very drained out already, and would like a permanent rest from everything.
I know I have been having certain bouts of mood swing lately - happy, sad, angry, confused. I am at a lost, actually. I know why I am feeling this way, yet I am not ready to admit it. And no, I am not pregnant, thank you very much. Honestly to speak, I think the days are passing by rather quickly, and I have yet to decide if that's a good thing, or bad. But somehow or rather, it is slowing down, and dragging on... For instance, my past weekend felt like the longest ever weekend I ever had.. Instead of 2 days, it felt like 4, and I felt drained out of any energy I have in me.
I had a couple of jokes to share, that was my initial entry, before I deleted it off, and decided to type this out. I guess life is not all about jokes. I don't know what has got into me, or why I'm emo-ing so damn much. I guess, the truth is, I miss my single life. I miss my life so much. I miss being carefree, and having to care about no one, or their feelings. But now, I feel like I'm walking around eggshells every single day, trying to be very extremely careful not to crack any pieces. It's insane.
You want to know how it's like living a day with the man I love? I was just watching American Horror Story, and strangely, the character Tate Langdon reminds me so much of him. And if you do follow up on the storyline, you'd come to realize what a psycho Tate is. The way he treats Violet, and the way he treats the rest of the world - similar. The way he acts when Violet says or do something. Imagine that in real life. Imagine having to tiptoe around broken glass pieces and eggshells every single day, worried if you're gonna get cut, or are you gonna crack something.
"What's a relationship if its built on lies?"
I honestly don't know. I have been peppering white lies here and there, and I am trying to withdraw it all, and try to be completely honest as and when I can. But there's always a catch, a consequence. I even have to watch what I say. Watch my own body language. Watch my own actions. Everything has a consequence. Everyday in my life ever since I've entered 2012 has been about consequences. About being careful. Scared. Worried.
And unfortunately, I know the reason behind all that.
Yet I am not ready to admit it.
Maybe he was right... I am slowly keeping it all inside, and it is also slowly pouring out of every pore in my body. I am more easily frustrated, annoyed, irritated, angered. Yet I try so much to control my natural reactions around him. And unfortunately, I take it out on people who don't deserve it, or knows nothing about it. And yes, I know it's unfair. But it's either that, or I will literally explode out at him, and trust me, a war will start. Possibly one whereby both of us will end up dead. It's amazing how we both are controlling ourselves so well, hiding ourselves behind a wall.
It's like having two angry people in love with one another. The irony of it.
Why does life has to be so difficult, so complicated?
Why is love so damn complicated?
Why can't I love someone who is more.... normal? With no gruesome history, no violent backgrounds.
I ask myself that every single day. Of 6 billion people in the world, why did I fall for someone like him, and why can't I let go? No matter how frustrated I get, or how drained I get, I will always find it in me to go on and attend to him, his needs, his wants.
3 months into the relationship, and honestly, I think I'm going to hell, and have to make my way back later.
All I'm asking for is just some simplicity.
The innocent things in life.
Where did my innocence go? I don't know.
Love.
It will destroy you completely.
Never believe what anyone has told you about love - the beauty of it. There is no such beauty.
On a lighter note, I am glad I have found someone who actually entertain my stupidity, someone who holds my hand while I walk on a ledge next to a rocky cliff (even though there were signs saying not to, and that it's bloody dangerous), someone who does not take advantage of me, and does not initiate any physical contact unless I am comfortable with it.
I am still unsure if this is a match made in heaven, or hell.
I am still deciding if being with him is the best decision I ever made, or my biggest mistake.
I will wait till 2012 end, and maybe then, I will return with an answer.
