Sunday, March 13, 2011
Time to pack up and leave
I figure now would be a good time to blog about an update in my hellhole of a life.
I'll be moving back to Woodlands somewhere mid-week this week. Nope, it's not my own place, it's a rented place once again. Better still, it's just a rented room. So I have to pack up all my stuffs, and most of the stuffs have to be placed in a storage area, which basically means that I won't get to see my stuffs for a few months.
You don't have any idea how sad it is to part with my clothes, shoes, and soft toys of comfort. In fact, some of my current items have been kept away in boxes for sooooo long to the point that I forgot I even had them when I reopened all the boxes to throw away unnecessary stuffs. For instance, I discovered a Debit Card which I don't remember having. I finally found my MAC Fix+ spray stashed away behind my perfumes. I found my favorite lipbalm. I found plenty of sample perfumes which I really like. Bottomline, when you're cleaning away your stuffs, only then you will retrieve back your stuffs.
--I hate how life is so crammed out at the moment. And I mean that literally. Like, right now, I don't even have a room to sleep in, what more a bed to sleep in. I sleep on a freaking couch, and my back hurts like fuck. Basically, I eat on the couch, I sleep on the couch, I have entertainment on the couch. Yes, the couch has practically become my home for the past one year. And no, it is nowhere near comfortable. It's hard. I only have such limited space to turn and move around. Either my arms or my legs will be so crammed after waking up. I never truly feel well-rested.
And now that we're moving to a new place where we've only rented out 2 rooms, I think I might be sleeping in the bathroom this time. Like seriously, how can four adults share ONE freaking room?
Life is really super crammed right now. I'd rather reside in hell than be here trying to live everyday miserably. Now you know why I keep telling myself and believing that there is no such thing as God, and that God is merely a human's creation for some sense of comfort. Unfortunately, I don't take comfort in some non-existent being. Sorry for being so skeptical, but my life has been nothing but hell for the past few years, and it has even spiral further downwards ever since last year.
I really wanna cry it all out, I really do. But it's just stuck like a lump in my throat, too much to be let out, too painful to swallow it back in. And at times like these only do I realize that I am truly alone. Like I've said before, I do not need some worthless concern or care. What I need is cold hard cash and a place to stay. To start back my life. I really hate having to move every now and then... It's really tiring having to pack my stuffs over and over, knowing that the new place is just temporary shelter. I would very much like to have my own room, my own bed to sleep in.
No, you will not understand the pain. The sadness. The fear. The anger. The burden. The frustration.
I am really getting very tired of living. What's the point in all these? I find no meaning in living anymore. I really don't see a meaning to live like this. It's just very tiresome.
Only at times like these will you realize that you're all alone, isolated from everyone else. No matter how many close friends you've got, at the end of the day, you're living your life alone, you're suffering from the pain alone, you're all alone. There is no one who is able to help. So why live?
--Most people remove their shoes before jumping off a building. Most people find a comfortable place to lie in before slitting their wrists. Most people unbutton their shirts before shooting themselves in the chest. Most people find a favorite spot to sit in before shooting themselves in the head.
I want a painless way to die, since life is already being too painful.
the beauty exposed ; 6:26 AM
