Thursday, October 11, 2012
Life as we know it.
So, we meet again.
I know it's been a month plus since I've last updated.
I have been through hell, and back.
I miss my Jacob to death. I've been missing him every single day. Never a day goes by where I don't think of him, where I don't get reminded of him. I miss him. It's a feeling you won't understand, the depth of it - you will never get it. I miss just having him to hold. I miss his voice, his warmth, his touch. I miss waking up to him, going home to him. I know I always nag and complain about him, but it's just something you probably won't understand.
I know he loves me. And I will always love him. He will always have my heart, the entirety of it. No matter how much I try to replace him, or how much I try to give my heart away to someone else, I find myself going back to him, every single time. I don't know what I ever did in life to have deserved a love so great by him, to be loved so dearly by him, to have known someone like him. Yes, he had his flaws, but I learned to live with it. He loved me even with all my flaws. He called me beautiful when I wake up in the morning looking like a total mess - with no makeup, hair tangled and knotted up, and in PJs. He listened to me whine about the most random things that don't matter. He did things he never enjoyed doing just because I wanted to do them. He'd stay up the whole night looking after me when I was sick with high fever, sponging me, and making sure I drank enough water, making sure I took my medication. He carried me in the heavy downpour because I couldn't run fast enough to seek shelter.
He loved me like I never knew love before.
I miss my Jacob to death.
True enough, only death will do us part. As much as I would want to die and be with him, I know for a fact that he would want me to continue living on. Cherish the memories we had. Stay strong. But it's selfish - he left me to survive on my own.
But knowing Jacob, he's always around to look after me.
For some odd reason, his former colleague, Jake (ironic, the fact that they have the same name), got friendly with me. He reminds me of my Jacob in so many ways - mannerisms, their dry humor, the way they speak - it's so similar. If I close my eyes and hear this Jake speaks, I could have mistaken him for my Jacob. It's an amazement I failed to notice that when I've met him several times before. And me being me, of course I wanted something to replace my loss. And this Jake did pinch my heart. The only difference between them is that Jacob was serious, and Jake is more laid-back and easy-going.
I will wait and see where this goes. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here, and I know I am diving into things a little bit too quickly (okay, maybe not a little bit). But it's a leap of faith. There's just something about this guy that is pulling onto my heart.
And he has been a real sweetheart so far. Really reminds me of Jacob.
the beauty exposed ; 3:57 PM
