Lost In Beauty-

Friday, June 29, 2012

So it's been like almost a month since my last update. What have I been up to?

Seriously, the past month felt like forever. I was shocked to discover only a month has passed. It felt like as though an eternity has passed. Life is tiring. With everything that's currently happening, I am trying so hard to look at the beauty of life, and focus on it. I am tired of fighting every single day.

So how is life with Jake?
It will be a joke if I were to say 'heavenly', because it certainly isn't. We have our ups and downs, mostly downs, and we fight so hard everyday to live through it. We have a new family addition to our tiny home, and that's Angel, a 2 months old bunny. S/he is very affectionate, and I try to spend more time with Angel. S/he takes away that heavy feeling buried deep in my chest.

Honestly, I feel like tearing up every night. I am back to having my lack of sleep, to the point whereby, I will fall asleep everywhere, all over again. Just the other day, while trying so hard to focus on my work, I fell asleep at the desk. I fell asleep last night while having dinner (at 11pm). I don't know how long more I can take it. Mentally, I am very drained. Emotionally, I feel very alone. Physically, I am very tired. I try to keep a straight face, and smile everyday when I return home. I do not like the idea of Jake thinking it's all just his fault. But life since December 2011.... has been VERY different.

6 months into this relationship, 2 months into this engagement, true colors do start to surface itself. No one will understand. I can't exactly leave and ditch Jake for a couple of months while I try to find myself or rejuvenate... he will call that a selfish act, and then try to end his life. I can't have that kind of blood on my hands. I feel hugely responsible for his life. I feel like I am living for 2 people now. And it is very tiring. His troubles becomes mine, his problems become mine, his worries become mine, even the haunts of his past become mine. He no longer refer to his dad as 'my dad this' or 'my dad that'... He now boldly says 'dad this' or 'dad that'... He said I am so much a part of him, that I am simply his life. He said without me again, he'll die, and will succeed his attempt.

How do you live with that kind of responsibility upon your shoulders?
I no longer have a life... I miss going out with my friends... or sleeping at mid-day during the weekends. Or sleeping in early, or just falling asleep on the couch. I miss that. All of that. I miss falling sick and not having to do anything. I miss gnawing in pain because of period cramps and not having to feel guilty about it. I miss leaving the dishes in the sink, and let someone else do it. I miss not having any responsibilities.

But I can no longer do all that. I cannot fall sick and ignore my surroundings. I cannot have period cramps and gnaw in pain. I have to persevere, and stride through the day, and still SMILE and see to Jake. It is very tiring to go through life with someone, but yet you still feel alone. For instance, I had HORRIBLE period cramps yesterday, I still had to go to work, come back and take care of Angel.. and then I thought I could just cuddle up next to Jake and rest... but I can't. Jake was upset due to certain issues... So I spend a good 2 hours talking to him (with the cramps, mind you), and being supportive. I was tired from work, from the lack of sleep the previous night, hungry like hell, and in pain. But I have to be selfless and look after another person. And I am not married yet, neither am I a mother. I am tired.

I feel like life is just draining away from me. My chronological age may be 23, but biologically, I feel like I am 73.

Jake plans on quitting on the military, and I hope that's a good choice. He wants to take up teaching, so I hope that being around youths will teach him that hey, life is not so bad, and there are people out there who requires attention as well. At least no more military bullshit. He also plans on moving here permanently, and will try to bring his daughter along. He said give him 2 years to settle issues in NY before he moves here - so by 2014, he said he should be settled here.

It's already almost July. We're 6 months away to a brand new year... ALL OVER AGAIN. I just can't wait to die.

the beauty exposed ; 12:42 PM

Tuesday, June 5, 2012
How do I love thee...?

I'm sorta grateful that Jake has to be report to work earlier nowadays... Because it means he'll be so exhausted by 10pm, and wants to be in bed by 10.30pm. Like yesterday, for instance... He was so exhausted he couldn't even function well.

He spent his evening with Trevor (he claimed he only had dinner and ONE pint of beer... yeah right), and then came back home to be with me. By 10pm, he was so tired, he started talking crap. By the way, I am glad Trevor is not staying with us. Major distraction.

He started off with "I love you baby...."
Then...

"I love love love love you...."
"I love the way you nag at me"
"I love the way you snap at me"
"I love the way you get grumpy"
"I love the way you yell at me to rest"
"I love the way you love me"
"I love the way you take control of me"
"I love that you are dominant. I love being the passive hubby"
"I love the way you insult me"
"I love the way you pick on me"
"I love the way you sleep"
"I love the way you laugh"
"I love the way I can talk to you about anything"
"I love everything about you"
"I love you my baby"

I just kept on laughing and telling him to finish his hot cocoa and go to bed, kept telling him that he's just exhausted and talking rubbish. And he was like "I mean all of that, really. I really really love you". Made me thought for a minute if he had more than just one pint of beer. In order to get him moving, I told him to get into bed, and promised him a rub down. And he was like "Yay! Rub down! I love your rub down. Makes me sleep like a baby". I told him I wanted to get a shower and clean up our 'supper' before I get into bed and settle him, that he has to try to stay awake for 15 minutes in bed while I get cleaned up.

Cute thing was, I was done by 11pm, and was crawling into bed. And my poor baby was already asleep. I just tucked him with the blanket, and kissed him goodnight. Poor baby had a long day at work... and this week is going to be a long week for him.

I cannot picture my life without Jake.
No matter how much I dread certain days, or cry myself to sleep, I will always love you. There's nothing about you I want to change. I love you the way you are.

the beauty exposed ; 8:48 AM

Friday, June 1, 2012
A not-so-innocent evening.

I have had a lot of people asking me what it's like to have a conversation with Jake, and keeping at it. People think he's a serious man, no joke, no humor kinda guy. And I have people asking me how in the world do I live with a guy like that (seeing that I can be a total goofball). In all honesty, Jake is a pretty serious guy if you are just an acquaintance. He wasn't as goofy when I first knew him. It took a while before I cracked him open, and have his nutcase side out. Him and Trevor - similar, maybe just a touch saner.

So last night, I decided to record a random conversation we had. In actuality, it lasted for almost 3 hours plus, but of course, I cut short and only recorded a snippet of it for you to hear the humor Jake do have, and how much of a psycho he can be.

And yes, he do laugh. I don't know why no one can picture him laughing.

I do apologize however so, that the random conversation I decided to record is erm... totally adult-content. If you're not comfortable listening in, then don't. I am not forcing you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple talking about sex and discussing it to get to know one another better. I may have known him for 10 years, but the things he told me still amazed me because I never knew all that about him.

Yes, I am about to publicize something rather personal, so it will ONLY be up for a week. After that, you may ask me for the clip, and I'll let you hear the humor.

Here's the link to the secret recording (Jake has no idea I recorded this. He will kill me if he finds out):

http://soundcloud.com/hana-ivashkov/voice-005/s-BrG75

If you listened to it, and wondering who 'Lucky' is, it's his black cat. If you saw the photo I posted of him on Facebook, you'll know. And if you're also wondering who 'Mom' is, one of his social worker whom he's really close with is here with us in Singapore, and will be staying with us for a while. She's in her mid-50s, so he naturally called her 'Mom', and I just tag along to it. She's in the room across to us, and he feels a little shy to be doing "stuffs" with her around, in fear that she hears "stuffs" (we can get pretty noisy).

Apologies about me asking him about his stomach over and over. Some medical issues. And don't ask about when he mentioned "stitches". I am not going to answer that. Or when he mention therapist, doctors, nurses. I am not going to answer any of that either.

And also apologies for me giggling too much. I giggle a lot around Jake for no apparent reason. And also, sorry for my voice, I lost my voice for 2 days, and it was recovering from a bad sore throat and cough.

the beauty exposed ; 1:44 PM