Monday, April 23, 2012
The truth about commitments.
Firstly, I have got to say I was dead shock with the new outlook of blogger. I'm at such a blur, that finding the new post page was hard. Just great.
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Anyhow, I was just whining to a friend about how hard life is right now. Not in its most literal sense, of course. Life is great, but things have changed a great deal.
I am not married, but I suppose I have got a taste of how marriage life is like. And trust me, it's a nightmare. Of course, during the entire honeymoon phase, everything's wonderful, blah blah blah. But that will only last for so long. I never knew "marriage" life could be so tedious, so super tiring - having to deal with work during the day, and household duties later in the evening. It makes me appreciate my mother a whole lot more.
Ladies, cherish your mother while you still can. In fact, bring her to stay with you when you're married.
I work a typical office job, starting at 8am, and ending at 5pm. By the time I reach home, it's almost 6pm.
Jake and I established certain set of agreements to work on while living together, and trust me, I never thought it could be this hard. I am on the verge of tears everyday. Here's how the schedule looks like:
6pm - drop my work bag, mop the damned floors. (I hate the fact that we're staying on the 2nd floor, and it gets mighty dusty for some reason)
6.30pm - start working on dinner. It's usually whatever I can find from the fridge, or whatever grocery I just bought. If I'm too tired, I'll just buy takeouts, and place them on plates.
7.15pm - dinner's ready. Jake's home at around this time. He'll help to set the table.
7.30pm - Our dinner affair.
8pm - Clear dishes. I'll start the laundry (if it's laundry day)
8.15pm - Squeeze in a little bit of TV time & chit chat time.
9.30pm - Jake goes off to shower. I'll remove the dry laundry, hang up the freshly washed ones.
10pm - Jake will help with folding of clothes and keeping them. I'll iron my clothes for either the next working day, or whatever that needs to be ironed. Jake will iron his own clothes.
10.30pm - My turn for shower
11pm - Get to bed. He'll fall asleep in a heartbeat. I'll do some reading till I fall asleep, usually close to midnight.
5am - Jake gets up and do his stuffs (whatever it is that he does at that hour)
6am - I get up. Shower, get ready for work.
6.45am - Breakfast. Or rather, drink coffee.
7am - Jake leaves for work. I clear up whatever that needs to be cleared from breakfast.
7.30am - I leave for work.
And it's the same damned cycle every single day. We practically don't have much time for one another anymore. Now I understand why he wants my time on Friday nights, and the entire Saturday - we really have no time for us. Sleep means sleep - no cuddling or smooching or whatever.
Another thing, grocery shopping. Oh my goodness. Now I understand why my mom always grumble whenever she returns from the market - be it the wet market or supermarket. Things are bloody expensive. Just buying food stuffs to stock up the kitchen could cost up to $60, and that will barely last us for 2 weeks. And carrying the items. On top of that, the detergent, and soaps, and toiletries. It's a nightmare. And bloody expensive!
I miss my mom. I never knew how hard it was till I'm facing the same situation. To top it off, I don't have kids to look after. I don't know how she does it. I feel like crying every single day, so tired from work, and coming home to more things to do. It's a never-ending cycle. I miss coming back home from work with everything done for me - dinner is prepared, I don't have to do laundry, clean the house. I took it all for granted. Now I really, truly appreciate my mom.
And this is all happening to me, yet I am not married. Perhaps now I might not want to get married. Commitment isn't easy. Here I thought staying together would be fun. Boy, was I wrong.
Appreciate your mothers. And stay single for as long as you can. It is a reality slap. I don't know how other women do it. I really don't understand how. I was telling my friend that now I feel like I no longer have a life... and she told me "This is life. Your new life".
Just great, isn't it?
There's a whole lot more to getting married than meet the eye.
Don't say I didn't warn ya. Now I'm stuck in this rut (and I don't really plan to get out of it).
the beauty exposed ; 12:58 PM
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Adult humor
So last week, Jake and I were roaming around town on a boring Saturday evening. We had nothing to do, amd nowhere to go. Both of us were desperate to just be out of his place and be outside just like other people.
We entered a subsidiary of Tangs departmental store (the one located at the underpass), which had plenty of kitchen and bedroom stuffs. We had nothing in mind, just browsing through section by section. We made mental notes of getting some of the colored plastic cutleries though - he wanted blue, I wanted pink. Big problem there.
Anyhow, we moved on to the bedspread section, and I was pointing out potential bedspreads I'd like us to have and use. Of course, he was in disagreement with me, seeing that I picked out those that are pink, or has flowers on it. I, in turn, disagree with his choice which comprises of boring designs and neutral colors.
However so, as I was making an exit out of the bedroom area, a particular bedspread caught my eye. It was just a solid color - maroon, with embossed designs on it. I was excitedly calling out to Jake who just gave me a sigh and rolled his eye, thinking that I am yet to show him another girly sheet.
The look on his face when he saw the maroon bedspread was priceless. He just went "Oh wow! Look at that!!!" and I just grinned and said "nice right??!!". He just kept looking at it and said "Can you imagine us humping that?!"
I burst out laughing. His face flushed red, amd in a feeble attempt said "I can't believe I said that! What I meant was... Can you picture me naked on a bedspread like that? Because I can picture you standing at the door with just lingerie on while I lounge on this thing"
Again, I just started laughing like a hyena. His face was getting redder by the minute.
But all is good. We did end up buying that bedspread... I had it on the bed the moment we got back. What happens next, I shall leave it for you to imagine.
Till next time folks.
Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4
the beauty exposed ; 4:28 PM
Monday, April 16, 2012
Religions.
138 days in. 364 days to go.
Had a good break in blogging, I suppose. Haven't blogged in a little over 2 weeks.
Things have been great lately, just the usual rubbish here and there which cannot be prevented. Otherwise, life has been rather... okay.
I have finally made the decision to move in with Jake for a little bit while he's here. I just suppose both of us really need the time together, as opposed to me just dropping by for a little while, and heading back home. I never knew that that gets him upset, that he so badly wants me to live in with him. So I suppose this would be a good try-out before I move in with him in NY and regret it. So now's the time for me to figure out what irks him the most. I know he lives with a set of house rules which I have to abide, but let's just see how insane it can get, and if I can live with it.
Anyhow, I was just thinking about marriage, and the entire issue about civil marriage vs muslim law marriage.
As we all know (or maybe just me), Jake is an agnostic; which means he believes there is a higher power, but he doesn't believe in religions. As for me, I am a self-proclaim agnostic. I also do believe in a higher power, but not so much in religions. We both have our own personal reasons to it. So technically, both of us are agnostic by choice (we both were born with a religion).
He has nothing against religions, in particular mine, but I know certain things do piss him off ever since he went for the Iraq deployment and saw and heard things there. I remember how he used to get so angry over the phone just talking about the entire religion practices and such, and even up till today, he still do talk to me about what he experienced there. I mean, he is not a racist - if he is, he wouldn't be with me. He just have this thing about religions.
So, anyhow, back to the civil marriage vs muslim law marriage thing. Technically, I am supposed to get married under the muslim law, and that would mean that Jake would have to convert, which I think he is rather reluctant. I do not want to force him to convert just for the sake of marriage. And on top of that, the muslim law marriage is totally fucked up, whereby women are at a loss of everything. I find that bullcrap. I mean, yes, the husband is the head of the household, but does that mean I have to succumb to everything he says? Even if it's wrong? And please him the way he wants to be pleased? Bow down and kiss his feet everyday? NO FUCKING WAY!
After seeing my own mother's bitter divorce, it just set me thinking so much. My mother lost everything to the father. In muslim law, there is no such thing as dividing your assets equally. Women are at such tremendous loss that it is very ridiculous. And under the muslim law, women are not covered by the Women's Charter. So basically, women are left to die alone under the muslim law.
So I thought, wouldn't marriage under the civil law be much worthwhile, then? I mean, if I were to get divorce (and I do not hope to be divorced), the assets will be divided equally, I have Women's Charter on my side to fight for my rights, and everything will be equal. No favoritism or siding of one side. Wouldn't that be much better?
Jake is sweet enough to want to have a small ceremony here out of respect for my mother. And he said he wants a church wedding up in NY just for culture sake, not for religion or what not. He said he'd rather just go to the city clerk's office and sign the documents and get it done and over with, have a reception, and that's that. But he said he do want me to have a wedding I can never forget. So yeah...
I don't know, really. It's really fucked up. The world is fucked up because of religions. People draw the lines when it comes to religions. People start war because of religions. Can't everyone see that religions are the root of all evil? It's one thing to believe in a higher power, it's another to preach what you believe and forcing it down the throats of others. And thinking you're always right while at it. It's just fucking ridiculous.
No religions are right. What kind of a religion promotes killing one another?
I am just a very bitter, faithless person, I know.
I may not pray, but there are moments whereby I just talk to God. I don't say prayers, or recite verses or whatever. I am screwed up. I told Jake that I want my kids to make their own choice when they grow up. If they choose to have a religion, so be it. Otherwise, it doesn't really matter.
So now you know why I am so super screwed up. Why I drink despite my religion saying it's a sin. Why I had a tattoo despite it being seen as a sin in my religion. Why I have done things which are a no-no in my religion (seriously, staying over at a man's place is a sin, what more sleeping with him before marriage). I honestly don't care much. I'm pro-choice, I suppose.
Oh well.
Life's a bitch.
the beauty exposed ; 9:14 AM
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Counting in and counting out.
125 days in. 377 days to go.
In response to Lynx - it's just the extra thick makeup that make girls look prettier. And also because it's supposed to be the happiest day of their lives, hence the extra radiance when they smile.
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Had a good time crying last night. Someone told me that if I spend most of my time crying in a relationship, I should reconsider my choice. I realized that I have been trying so hard to put up a good front lately. But I am slowly crumbling.
Anyhow, it's been 125 days since he officially returned back into my life. And 377 days more to go before I go (hopefully I'm right about this. I want this to work). I am very extremely tempted to actually have a vacation there this September mainly because I am dying to find out the truth. 377 days to finding out the truth is a rather long time, and by then, I don't know how much he would have twisted my mind and heart around.
But I can do this, right? I mean, I tolerated and endured him for 2-3 fucking years back then, not inclusive of the time when we were just friends. If I can be really patient and put up with his crap back then, I am sure as hell be able to do the same now. I mean, it's just 377 days more to go, right? It's just one year. I love how he is actually kinda worried about me going there when I mentioned the idea to him... But now I think.. I should just keep my plans to myself until the very last minute, a couple of hours before my flight. He will eventually forget that I have such an idea in my head, and I want him to relax and think that I am still that naive girl he knew.
377 days. Why can't you be faster? Why can't I strike lottery now and just pack my bags and go?
I am trying to take things a day at a time, and tell myself that I should not place myself in too deep. But no matter how I try to force myself to sit back and enjoy this, I find myself crying time and time again. It is not easy.
However so, I would like to see what he can pull in 377 days. To what extent his drama can get. I am sick of this. I am sick of having my life controlled and having people judge me all the fucking time.
Now I'm starting to slowly remember why I loathed him.
He pulled a great one last night.
I shall see what he will pull today, and for the rest of the week.
Splendid.
Imagine if I rushed and agreed to marry him end this year/early next year. All hell will break loose. My mom was right for me to be wary when it comes to a Belmont guy.
the beauty exposed ; 9:24 AM
Monday, April 2, 2012
As insane as it sounds...
It's April, like finally.
Time really is flying off the charts this year... We're in the second quarter of the year (already?!). Before we all know it, it's gonna be mid-year soon enough. Scary, huh?
Anyhow, I was doing a lot of thinking yesterday (it was April's Fool yesterday!! But this is no joking matter). I am going to try my best to clear off my credit debts as fast as I can...
I was thinking that in 12 months, I'm going to resign my job, buy a one-way ticket to NY, and stay there. I know I will be jobless, homeless, and cashless. But I thought... if I keep waiting for the perfect time, it will never happen. Might as well take the first step of buying a plane ticket and fly out there first, and settle the rest later.
So my target month to achieve that is by April 2013. I hope to have enough for flight, and a couple of days stay at a motel. First thing I should do when I touch down is find an apartment or room to rent around the city area. Then scout for a job - I will sound desperate here, but I will take any kind of job, be it as a waitress, barista... Just about anything. If I could get a nursing license there, then I will practice as a nurse there. But temporarily, any kind of job as long as I have money to pay off rent, and food to survive.
Why the sudden crazy idea? I honestly don't know. Like I said... if I were to keep on waiting for the perfect time, it will never happen. If I keep waiting around for one of the hospitals to reply back with a job opportunity, it will take forever. If I were to wait around for Jake to get married to me, that will take the next 5 years.
Besides, I told Jake that I do not want to use his money or his house while I'm there. I will only go to him for cash if I am desperate and in need for rent payment... Otherwise, I want to try make it on my own. Remember the movie Burlesque? Where she just packed her things and leave for a new state with no money, and no job? I am somewhat doing the same thing... except that I am not moving from a different state... I'm moving from a different country entirely. It will be hard. It will be tough... But I'm not going to give up.
I just hope that I won't chicken out when the date draws closer. I really hope for this to happen. As selfish as I may sound, I think there is nothing left here for me in Singapore. I am tired of being here. Same old shit year in and year out. I want to do something different. I want a difference. And I think, best way of doing so is to actually get the fuck out of here.
If I find it too hard, and don't like it, I will come back. If I quickly adapt and learn, I will stay there.
I just really hope I have enough money to buy myself a plane ticket, and pay for a couple of months of rent. I hope as hell this will work out.
the beauty exposed ; 8:47 AM
