Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's Eve.
Today marks the last day of 2011... I think, like last year, the last day falls on a Saturday as well...
Last day of 2011, and I'm stuck at work for a half-day shift. That's 5 hours of my life wasted sitting in the office. Anyhow, one of the HA brought me to view my new office specially set up by Eugene, and to my delight, it looks wonderful! The entire theme surrounding the room was.... dark. The cupboards are all dark brown, while my work table and chair is black. Fits me very well, and I'm glad to be staying there all the way till June, and perhaps longer, if boss permits (with the success of the pilot projects, hopefully).
Anyhow, just to recap... what was I doing on my last day of 2010?
I believe I went out for an advanced birthday celebration with Kenny... I think he treated me for a late lunch and movie, followed by some window-shopping. I know for a fact that I headed home before midnight, cuz I remembered watching the countdown on TV (or rather, watching my TV series on my laptop). I was residing at Bedok, then. I remembered, come midnight, my mom was the first to wish me on my 22nd birthday, followed by my brother. And a series of those from Facebook or SMSes. I remembered it was my off day, and I had to work night shift on the 1st itself... whereby a couple of my colleagues bought me a cake, and made me blow it before the clock struck midnight.
I realized that I never went for a NYE countdown party before. Ever. I guess I just dislike the rowdy crowds, and drunkards going nuts all around... Although, I must admit that I am also a nutcase when drunk. Talk about hypocrisy.
So... what are my plans for my last day of 2011? What have changed?
A lot of things have changed in the year of 2011... Alot... Bad and good things alike...
I moved out of Bedok somewhere in March, and am currently residing in Woodlands. And still no house to call my own yet... Still renting up till today... That will mark 2 years of renting and moving around.
I quit my job of 3 years as a nurse in August. It was the most hardest decision I ever made, and up till today, I do have certain regrets leaving that job... I miss it, honestly. All the patients, the awesome colleagues I had... The power I had back in the ward as a senior... I really do miss it. And I fear of losing my knowledge, my skills, as each day pass without me practicing it...
From August to Mid October, I was rotting at home. I actually was starting to enjoy the free life of not having a job, waking up late everyday, sleeping in late everyday. But financial wise, it was causing me a serious problem.
I started a new job in October... something completely different from nursing. It's a drastic change. Finally, an office job... something I thought I'd like. I still do get to meet patients, but it's all too different. I sit on my ass almost all the time, in front of a laptop. Being redundant. But I am going to promise myself to stay in this job for at least a year before moving forward.
December.
December.... I'm still unsure if this is a good change, or a bad change... Jake came back into my life. Kenny moved out of my life. I really am unsure. I hate the fact that having someone returning into my life, someone else has to move out. It's not that I want Kenny to walk out of it, he wanted to walk out of it. He dislike the fact that I actually was agreeable to having Jake back. He said he won't be able to stand it, or control it. So I had to choose. Of course, I chose no one. Or maybe, in a way, I did choose... because I did still talk to Jake, driving Kenny away from me.
So this New Year's Eve, I know for a fact that I am not spending any time with Kenny, alas get any wish from him either. I've known him for a little over 5 years, and trust me, it's a big change in life when I don't meet him up every week. He refuses to pick up my calls, or reply any of my text messages. He wanted a 2 months break away from me, with minimal communication. *sigh*
And no, I am not spending New Year's Eve with Jake either. I decided not to. I decided to spend this NYE by myself, on my own. Maybe it's self-punishment. Self-torture. But I know I deserve it. One can never have too many good things in life. I've known Jake for about 8 years now, if you choose to include the approximate 6 years of me hiding from him - sure, that'll only make me know him for 2 years. But I've been through hell and back with him, cried a thousand tears, laughed a thousand laughs in that span of 2 years. And even during my "hiding", there was never a day that went by without me thinking of him, about him. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I still love him? Yes, I know I still do. But I'm still have my doubts. And I am prepared for whatever that is to come. I am prepared to fight fire with fire. And I will not let Jake take over my life, the way he did all those many years ago. He is not my world. No one is. I am giving him another chance to prove himself... but I am not going to neglect my friends in that process - they are everything to me.
One came back, one went out.
Life sucks. 2011 ended kinda badly in a way for me. I wish I can remain friends with everyone. No enemies. No one angry at me. Or upset with me.
I really hope that 2012 will be a better year.
I hope I will be a better person in 2012.
I hope for happiness. For luck. For a better future. Better life.
I am tired of crying. Of the tears. Of the pain. The heartaches.
Here's my resolution for 2012 (which I almost always don't stick to, and don't complete):
- Save $$
- Pay off my credit card debts before June 2012
- Be a better person in all sort of ways (I need to smile more, laugh more, be more friendly, approachable, lighthearted)
- Be more proactive, less talkative
- Exercise more, lose weight (I sooo need to lose another 5kg)
- Travel to at least one country out of Asia (kinda far-fetched, but I am going to try)
That's it. I think that's all the resolutions I have got. I wish I could add 'Find true love' and 'Get married' in that list, but that's kinda nuts. I've always wanted to get married on 12/12/12 or 20/12/12. But right now, that's an insane way of planning because who the hell gets married in less than a year worth of planning? Unless it's shotgun (*touch wood*). But anyhow, 11/12/13 sounds good to me as well (that's provided the world hasn't ended).
Side-tracked.
I hope everyone has a blessed New Year! A happy, brighter 2012 for us all! Hopefully it will be a year full of laughter and smiles all around!
Happy New Year everyone!
(And I'll be spending my New Year/23rd birthday overnight at a hotel... A birthday treat)
the beauty exposed ; 8:24 AM
Friday, December 30, 2011
Another week gone.
In a couple more days, I'll be turning 23. It's gonna be 2012.
It has been a long 365 days this year... With so many ups and downs. I hope that for 2012, things will start going upwards, and no more downfalls... It's very tiring..
This weekend, I have yet another mini-getaway. It's like an escape route each week, leaving all that I have to think about behind. But then again, how long can I keep up with this weekly getaways? To be nice to him, I've decided to save up some moolahs, and hopefully *fingers crossed* by the second half of 2012, I'd be able to visit him there at his hometown. We'll see how it goes.
I figured I'll give him 2 years to prove his point, whatever point it is that he wants to prove. If I think it can't work between us, I'm not going to hesitate breaking his heart... again. I think 2 years is a pretty long time, so... I think it'll give him more than enough time to prove it. I know all this lavish gifts and surprises are bound to stop someday soon, and it's unfair for me to judge him base on all the gifts he showered me with... And this guy takes some time to crack open, and I want to crack him open, and see what he's got. I really am not sure if he's the real deal, or just back for revenge. I did tore him apart all those years ago.
If it's a game he wanna play, I shall play it my way. Just as long as I don't fall hard on my face in the meantime.
Till next time.
And in advance, Happy New Year to all. I hope 2012 will treat you all awesomely, and let's also pray hard that the world doesn't end then.
the beauty exposed ; 1:35 PM
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The weekends are over already?
First things first, I finally bought myself a new phone! I am officially saying goodbye to my iPhone this coming weekend, after I'm done customizing the new phone. Decided to make a change and get myself an Android phone (Samsung Galaxy Note). It's a very drastic change from the iPhone, and trust me, I'm having a hard time adapting to it. I'm just gonna get it customized to my preference, and try to get a hands-on with it, and officially switch over to it by next week tops.
Now I understand why people always stick to what they are familiar with. Like an iOS user will stick on to buying a new iOS phone, and vice versa. The switch is really hard adapting to.
-------------
Anyhow, as we all know, over the weekends, I had a mini-getaway at the Marriotts'. How was it?
I had fun. I never thought I'd have that much of a fun, but I really did truly enjoy myself, and I truly did loved his company. Despite him having another room, he ended up rooming in with me for both nights. We talked, and talked, and just enjoyed each other company. Now I'm starting to wonder what made me left him in the first place, 5-6 years ago? Why did I run away the moment he went into deployment? He asked me that, and right now, I don't have the answer for him. I really can't remember why. Or what happened.
I never wanted the weekend to pass. I wanted it to remain, to last. There's just something about him that makes me wanting more and more. Seriously, that weekend was my most fastest, and most rested weekend ever. It felt like as though we were just talking for 15 minutes or so, but in reality, an hour plus has passed by. It's that quick. It's that insane.
Am I ready to give him back my heart?
Maybe I will. Maybe time has done things to him. I don't know. I just don't want whatever that happened 5-6 years ago to repeat itself. I am guarding my heart. Guarding myself. I guess I'm pretty much prepared for whatever that's gonna come my way. We decided to try a bit more of something called "communication" to keep us both in each others lives. Maintaining a long-distance is really tough, but I guess with communication, it could be done. So, yeah... He said that he wants to be my place of comfort, a place where I can cry to, talk to, or anything. He said all he ever wants to do is make me happy. And that we really really need to communicate to keep us both in the loop. And he also said that once I'm settled with life, and I'm good with my other commitments (current family situation, housing, etc), I might want to consider moving in with him - and he said no rush, that it can be many years for now, but he'll wait till I'm ready for it.
Moving in with him will be the most epic thing ever - seeing that 2 nights rooming in with him almost drove me insane. He's just too neat. He picked up and folded my clothes neatly, arranged the shoes nicely by the door. He even made the hotel bed early in the morning. And I can't give a hoot about tidiness. He hates animation movies, and I love it (I was watching Despicable Me halfway through, and he got so frustrated with it that I had to switch channels).
But anyhow, that's not the point. It will take years for me to consider moving in with him (that's a lot of commitment. There's so many unanswered questions. I don't want to migrate over and only know one person there. That'll be.... suicide).
Overall, it was the most enjoyable weekend, I enjoyed the getaway tremendously. I wish I could do that every single week, but that's impossible. I'm just gonna take things slow, and see how and where things go from here on.
It's really hard. But I'm gonna try.
That weekend just somehow rekindled the feelings I had for him.
Till next time.
the beauty exposed ; 8:59 AM
Friday, December 23, 2011
Well, hello.
I know I've been blogging damn consistently for the past week or so... I'm just dying of boredom right now.
Anyhow, I was just browsing through my old entries, and I just realized how fucked up life was. I mean, it's not all sunshine & rainbows now, but damn, I did have a fucked up time growing up.
I'm gonna turn 23 in 9 days. The numbers just keep increasing, don't they?
I hope for 2012 to be a better year. No more drama. No more heartbreaks. No more lies. No more running. No more hiding. I think that's pretty much what I hope for every single year. I'm really very tired of dramas, very tired of bullshit. I really just want a simple life, waking up everyday and smile to a brand new day, brand new morning. No more redundant tears.
I hope 2012 will be good for everyone.
I hope turning 23 will be a good one.
I'm headed off to lunch soon, and shall make my way to town slowly then... I'm just so tired right now, I just wanna sleep.
3 days, 2 nights.
It better be worthwhile.
the beauty exposed ; 11:33 AM
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Xmas Weekend Getaway
Tomorrow I shall illegally take a half-day from work. Yup, illegally. That means it won't be reflected in system.
I've a treat/gift from someone to spend a couple of nights at the Marriott hotel, just to de-stress and enjoy getting pampered.
I know I'm gonna enjoy getting pampered and spoilt rotten. I don't want anything to ruin this for me. I'm gonna actually give out a minor verdict if he's worth my time after a couple of days spent with him (no worries, there will be no hanky-panky). He's trying to win me over with lavish gifts because he's won with words already.
Is he really the one?
Wish me a great Christmas weekend, everyone.
Have a fabulous Christmas in advance. :)
the beauty exposed ; 11:19 PM
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Struck.
You know that feeling you get, the feeling that gets you all tingly in your toes? The feeling that makes you smile wide, the feeling that warms your heart? The feeling that makes you feel like you're walking in the gardens of heaven?
The feeling of being in love?
I think I'm falling in love again. How can the same man make me fall in love with him countless times? It's no wonder between the time I left him till now, no other men could fill that void in my heart. He's got me, he has always got my heart.
Yes. I left him back then.
And he still waited for me.
I think I'm in love.
And please stop thinking that it's not okay for me to be in love with someone 11 years older than I am.
Get over it. Period.
the beauty exposed ; 11:12 PM
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Chances
If someone asks you, "Why can't you give me a chance? Why aren't you giving me a chance to make you happy?"
What will you say?
This person has been gone for 6years. Years. Not weeks, not months. But he did finally found me after 6 years. I'm amazed he never stopped searching for me. 6 years. Of course things can't be okay in an instant. We all aged. I'm 23 now, no longer 17. He's 34 now, no longer 28. Things changed. I've changed.
Stop thinking that it's sick I was dating someone 11 years older than me. It's not sick. I prefer maturity. Right now I think I'm falling for someone 15 years older than me. 15. Yes, that makes that person 37.
Anyhow, back to topic...
Do you give this person another chance? He said that he loves me so much, he'll make anything I want happen. Do I try to give him that chance? Give him my heart, in hopes that he won't disappear again for 6 years? Hearing his voice, looking into his eyes... It just killed me.
What do I do?
What the fuck do I do?
Life is a twisted, sick bitch.
Oh, did I mention that now I have a 7 year old goddaughter named Katie, and a 15 months old godson named West? Yep.
the beauty exposed ; 10:23 AM
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A chain of unfortunate events.
I am still pondering on how one thing could led itself to another.
How the hell did I get myself into this mess? Into this situation? My mind is so badly boggled up right now, I don't even know where to start.
It feels like I'm 15 all over again. I am very sure this is history repeating itself, it's almost scary. I know I've been through this years ago, and when I got out of it, I told myself I am never ever going to let myself fall into the trap again. And yet, here I am, caught in the tangle of the spider's deadly web.
Maybe the names have changed, the ages are different, but I know it is the same thing all over. And I'm caught in the middle of it. All over. Suddenly, I don't have the freedom to live my life. Suddenly, someone becomes a priority, like I'm supposed to die for that person. It's so weird, really. I suddenly can't have a life, can't have friends, can't have free time. I can't even be at work in peace!
It's suddenly I'm reliving my life back at 15. All over again. The horrors I had. I never wanted them to return. The nightmare. And here it is, the nightmare is presenting itself in some other twisted way. In some other twisted form.
I really don't know. I really don't understand. I'm trying to break away from it. It's really really really hard. I'm trying to be as oblivious as I can, but again, it's really hard when someone is trying to get my attention every single second.
I will not be a third party. I will not be the middle person. I will not be anything.
Oh, someone please help me. I need a savior really badly.
And why, oh why, do I always know someone at the worst point of their lives? Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the jinxed one.
Gee.
Someone save me.
the beauty exposed ; 11:21 AM
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A few weeks later...
I've been brain-dead thinking of what to blog about lately. There's nothing interesting going on, and each time I'm on the 'New Post' screen, my mind just went blank.
So what's up lately?
Work. Work takes up 5 days a week, and on weekends, I'm mostly tired and at home, in bed. I can't really be bothered to do anything. I'm trying to finish up reading a book (which is taking me forever, it seems... I wonder what happened to me), and also trying to finish up FFIX for the third time (I played with cheats the first 2 time - infinite life for the first try, awesome weapons for the second. This time round, I'm really working hard to level up my characters. No cheats involved). I'm also taking it slow on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. I have not even start on Dead Island. There's just no time, it seems... Too many things, too little time. I'm mostly asleep by 10pm latest. Heading out after work seems like a drag to me... Too tiring, too time-consuming, money-consuming.
Oh, talking about money, this month is the FIRST time in my working life am I ever dead broke. Seriously. Of all my 3 years working, I have never ever been broke shitless. It's scary. So as of now, I'm really cutting back on my shopping spree online, and I need to start paying off my credit card bills. I finally came to realize that I don't need anymore shoes, and I think I've got all the shoes I need for every single occasion - from flats, heels, to boots. So no more shoes. In fact, I don't even use them. So there. And for the clothes, I need to wear them all out at least once before going on a spree again. Time to replenish my savings account, and pay off my debts.
Breakout. My face hasn't been kind to me lately. Not too sure if I should blame it on the weather, or my bad skincare regime (I've been slacking behind), but I've developed small tiny zits all over my face. My skin condition is horrible - it looks really dead. PX just gave me some skincare products from Korea, so I'm gonna try that out sometime this week for sure. I really hope my skin will recover. It's really dry under my eyes, and cheekbones, and oily over my forehead. My pores are horrendous, let's not even get into that.
Life. Life hasn't been nice to me. It's December, almost 2012 in 3 weeks or so. Life seems to be spiraling downhill. I am really unsure why but I keep getting attracted to married men. I know its bad, but I really don't know why. When I started my new job, I had a solid crush on a doctor, and he happened to be married, so I left him alone. And a month later, I got to know of someone through a friend, and we were just randomly chatting up on Skype. I knew he was married (he told me), and that he was having some problems at home. So I just listened. As days past, we just got closer, like good friends. And I don't know... I just started falling for him, it's unbelievable. But I know the limits - he's still a married man, despite whatever problems he's got at home.
Random screenshots of our convo on Skype (click to make it bigger). Sorry for all the blacked out stuffs, I gotta protect his privacy, and we all shall only know him as MK. One odd thing is that, he really really reminds me of Jake for some reason. Maybe its the personality. Maybe its the way how easy it is to get to him. Tell me, how can you possibly not in love with someone who calls you 'princess'? I'm making my stand though, that we can't be anything more than friends. I don't want it to get out of hand, and I don't want to be the cause of anything. You really need to get to know him, and I bet you'll fall in love with him too (OK, maybe some of you won't, because he is a little older than what's deem "normal" for my age. I shall not reveal the age here either).
I need to stop falling for married men. Period. I've already got 2 friends on my back with a knife to stab me if I ever ever destroyed a marriage. So yes, life sucks at the moment.
I hope as hell 2012 will be a much better year. I know I may still be young, but I am considering the idea of finally settling down. I'm not getting any younger. Time is seriously ticking. Maybe I am bound to live life alone. Grow old alone. That's a rather scary thought (imagine me as a cougar. HAHA!). I would love to finally settle down, start a family. So I really hope 2012 will be a much much much better year.
Maybe I should lower down my standards and go for the not-so-pleasant-looking guys. Oh fuck no. I wanna have pretty babies.
Till next time.
the beauty exposed ; 9:03 AM
